Am I out of practice or was this a weird discussion with manager?

[pensandpapwrs]

I’ve been back at work just under six months after Mat leave, my daughter is 18 months. I was told my work wasn’t perfect when I came back as I was missing small things (work in a professional role) but I was steadily improving as the months had gone on. I was asked how I felt about things etc. I was told of the direction of the company and that manager was looking forward to us all embarking on this next phase of growth together.

So that was all ok. So I thought. I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine. I also am on target. I just felt it was a weird thing to say, like how is the balance wrong and how can I NOT collect my child or be there for the home stuff? I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

I came out of the meeting feeling totally mixed messages. Am I reading into this too much?

@BadSkiingMum i actually think this is it. It’s the fact I opened up… thinking we were just having a chat. I talked about home life because they initiated that chat. I’m a chatty person and yes I do like to double check so I guess those things combined have created a certain impression. I certainly won’t be opening up again.

Your manager sounds like an absolute dick tbh. Deliberately saying vague things to you that she most likely knows will make you worried. I agree with PPs who have said it sounds like they want all of you a the time. They don't sound like a very nice company to work for.

@RajGamgee thanks. I did get lots of patronising ‘oh having one seems easy when you have more’ (this person has a nanny and does next to no childcare).

I think I will actually just mention in passing that I’ve managed to sort extended childcare to give extra availability to work without interruption. Like you say, let the misogynistic arse think he’s educated me. Exhausting.

I think it's unfair of them to make vague comments without substance. I'd email the manager (so you have it in writing), thanking them for their time etc, and asking for more clarity on the two points - home/work-life balance and robustness. Request some examples of when you've not demonstrated these qualities, so that you can address them correctly and improve. If they can't back up the comments with clear examples then they aren't fair comments to make.

After being back 6 months, l wouldn't expect you to still be needing to improve.

@2Old2Tango i did actually say ‘if my work is now on a good trajectory can you tell me what it was initially that you felt wasn’t up to scratch.’

he said I had spelled a name wrong in an email. That was all he said? Obviously that’s not up to scratch but Christ. Not the end of the world.

I get it. It's very frustrating because you feel your manager's perception is just wrong. There's limited point in arguing with them on it though no matter how annoyed your are (I know I've been there). Focus on getting clarity of what they need you to show them. Eg ask in the next meeting 'last meeting you raised a concern that I was over indexing on home life. That hasn't been my intention at all. What can I do to show that the work I do here is still a priority for me?' If they can't come up with anything ask if you can leave that with them to think about because it's really important to you that you are not perceived in this way, and want to know how to change that perception.

(You don't have to say 'the only priority').

Good idea. Definitely keep it professional only moving forward. It does sound like they have concerns and I’d be seeking clarification in writing. The previous post by @wordler is excellent. Think about how you come across at all times.

im kind of middle management in my role and I have an excellent junior colleague in my team. My manager referred to the junior colleague as “stressed Eric” the other day an said she always looks like she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She isn’t stressed, isn’t anywhere near a breakdown and is very capable but does have a habit in meetings when we talk about a new project sitting there with almost a panicked look on her face. I’m not saying you’re pulling faces but is there something which is giving people the wrong impression about how you’re managing?

And I strongly disagree with emailing (assuming you're in a professional role like law). It comes across as you being defensive. If you're concerned about this escalating, then make sure you keep a record of what was said when but don't start emailing your manager giving them the impression you're building a case.

If you can't get any further in the next meeting, then I might start emailing but try as much as possible to have it appear to be about you reflecting on the meeting and suggest next steps rather than documenting evidence for a tribunal claim!

This all assumes that your preferred outcome is to continue in this job and to progress.

he said I had spelled a name wrong in an email. That was all he said?

If you do decide to send a follow up email make sure you don't use question marks in this way as it makes you seem not confident. I'm not criticising you, I just don't want him to have more ammunition against you.

NOTHING they are saying is vague. The feedback is crystal clear. You’re not working or performing enough. Because you talk about your home life with a few people they have latched on to that. You’re not over the details. They feel they could get someone better than you for the same pay.

not saying you ARE doing these things ^^ but this is the feedback they are giving you.

It all sounds very discriminatory to me. Would they make those comments to a bloke. I doubt it.

Moving forward, if any comments are made, say 'put it in an email please'. You need it all documented.

"I think I will actually just mention in passing that I’ve managed to sort extended childcare to give extra availability to work without interruption".
Don't do that, outside of meetings, don't 'casually' talk about your childcare. You'll be more or less saying that your work has been affected by your home life, reiterating his point. "Is something bad happening here?" was a strange thing for you to reply. Ask what you need to know eg What does robust look like? As said, keep notes and diaries. Perhaps you are giving too much away when chatting. For a while, chat less and go ultra professional.

But it doesn’t sound like it does if you have to leave during the work day to collect your child? Maybe I am misunderstanding

"So I thought. I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine. I also am on target. I just felt it was a weird thing to say, like how is the balance wrong and how can I NOT collect my child or be there for the home stuff? I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!"

Some of what you refer to here is what I meant by gaslighting. They've said leaving to do nursery pick up is fine but are now saying you have the balance wrong. They've said you need to be more robust when you weren't aware that you were not robust. It's making you doubt yourself and messing with your mind.

Exactly how I interpret it. Op has returned to this employer - she’s not a new starter, so I find it hard to imagine her understanding of her performance is so out of whack with the reality.

If I were the op, I’d stop with the analysis of exactly where I was going wrong and look for somewhere that appreciated me. This place sounds awful.

Sounds like a throw away comment that was said in the moment.... they do have to follow proper procedures if there is an issue..

I've got a 11 month old daughter and ran into a bit of trouble during my pregnancy.

pregnantthenscrewed.com/advice-services/

This charity was amazing x it might be worth you having an informal chat with them as they can help you with anything that you may not foresee x

I do think this is somewhat of a societal problem... we have to work like we are not mothers.... but raise our children like we don't work.... the role of the mother has dramatically changed now.... and not all employers have progressed with modern living xx

Do you work from home a lot?

Let me guess you work in a team of men who have wives that do all the pick ups and childcare ???

I think it’s straightforward prejudice against mothers or a way of ensuring you will work your ass off due to insecurity.

Did you notice whether the next phase of growth for the company comes with additional investment and recruitment? If not, they’re gearing up for making you all do 50% more work for the same pay. You’re a problem because you’ve got a right to flexible work and so they want to make you worry about your performance, meaning you’ll work harder and not complain.

This can be a start of performance improvement plan conversation. I would document everything in writing and factually address concerns. Especially put factual quotes around "tipped balance" , these can be invaluable if it gets to settlement conversation.

Hmm OP, yes of course more clarification needed BUT it stood out to me your comment about ‘working your way up’ after mat leave.

You said you’ve been back for six months.. that seems a long time to be working your way back up to a job you left behind in a company you’re already familiar with.

so… either your boss’ expectations are totally out of kilter since you became a mum (were you killing your self with long hours previously?) or despite being on target, you’re not delivering to your usual standard.

What is the culture of the company like towards parents? Is it supportive? It sounds as if you are bending yourself over backwards to pretend your child doesn’t exist in order to convince them that nothing has changed. But they di exist and things have changed. Maybe it’s time to find a job with a family friendly culture, a place where talking about your family is seen as, well, normal!

I say that as someone working in a highly senior professional role who is also a mum… I returned to work in a similar vein but now work for a company that embraces diversity and all that entails.. including being a parent.

I don't understand if you are leaving work to collect from nursery during your working hours and then catching up on the missed work later at home (while looking after your child) or leaving because it is the end of your working day. If it's the former then, yes, you need to have that arrangement formalised by the manager. Most managers do not want their employees to be working from home with a young child.

@Pusheen467 thanks, I wouldn’t do that in any correspondence. It was more to convey a certain tone here when typing fast!

Sounds like they’re holding on to the age old misogyny bullshit that women who have children simply aren’t as good, and are slowly engineering you out, especially as they’ve told uou about this “next phase of growth”. They’re possibly paving the way to put you on a performance plan, come to the conclusion you’re underperforming and let you go.

Ask for it all in writing as you found it very vague and keep records of everything here on in.