Am I out of practice or was this a weird discussion with manager?

[pensandpapwrs]

I’ve been back at work just under six months after Mat leave, my daughter is 18 months. I was told my work wasn’t perfect when I came back as I was missing small things (work in a professional role) but I was steadily improving as the months had gone on. I was asked how I felt about things etc. I was told of the direction of the company and that manager was looking forward to us all embarking on this next phase of growth together.

So that was all ok. So I thought. I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine. I also am on target. I just felt it was a weird thing to say, like how is the balance wrong and how can I NOT collect my child or be there for the home stuff? I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

I came out of the meeting feeling totally mixed messages. Am I reading into this too much?

It sounds like this is the type of company who likes to keep everyone on their toes by means of pointless criticism. I would ignore it & get on with my work as usual.

Sorry, to clarify, I leave at 5 to collect my child, most people in the team do this (well, the women!). It’s not usual and some leave even earlier if their child is in school.

This is why I am confused about the home work balance comment. Also have no idea what the robust comment meant other than perhaps I do check things too much, so maybe that explains that one

A manager who makes unsupportive comments without giving examples or discussing how you can improve? Hmm.... where is this going? I wonder....

From now on, as far as they are concerned you will be whiter than white. Cover your back. Act professional at all times. Act confident. Don't discuss concerns or difficulties about the baby or work/life balance.

Assume that they are planning to manage you out because this is how it starts. You need to remember you are doing a good job. It's them.

Oh, and start looking for a new job.

It’s just strange as I’ve been there several years though this new manager only been in the last three so I knew them only briefly before mat leave.

Fine for everyone else but not you. Why? Are you being singled out?

This is how it starts.

@AustinFlowers i did find it odd when I asked for an example of what I could have done better when I first returned and they simply said I had spelled a name wrong. I get that’s not ideal but hardly in professional negligence territory is it. And there was nothing else said, no examples given even though I asked. They just said the trajectory was great and going the right way and be ready to be thrown more more.

Yeah I agree with the PPs that this is a classic combo of misogynistic bullshit and a company culture of keeping people on their toes. It is exceptionally poor management to give negative feedback that is unquantifiable and can't be properly substantiated with clear examples.

Ask yourself, would he have made these comments to a male colleague in the exact same circumstances? He probably would have given him a pat on the back for being both a good employee and a committed father.

As you've already noted, don't ever fall into the trap of chatting about this stuff again because he's clearly going to use it against you. Wanker.

New broom

@AustinFlowers well when I asked if it was a problem they said no and that everyone else does it too. So I don’t think I had been singled out. Just strange to have the work life balance mentioned?

I’d read that as ‘you’re not staying late after the official finishing time
like everyone else/those who REALLY want to progress’
So a hurdle to possible promotions etc…?

@thesunisastar yeah I wish I hadn’t let the conversation flow into that territory. I know for a fact work has not been impacted by me having a child other than me having a stronger boundary about when I need to pause for the day (I.e. my child’s bedtime) and there’s nothing I can do about that.

I agree with this. Ask for everything in writing because I think they’re going to try and “manage you out”.
The only thing I disagree with (and it happens on MN all the time) is the assumption that you’ll have a union. The vast majority of people don’t, it seems an odd thing to assume.

Not everyone is on your side. Not everyone will explain. When you query things they'll say it's fine because that's what everyone else does but 10 minutes later you are being pulled up about it.

You would be very naive to assume this manager has your back based on what you've said here.

Personally I think it's massively jumping the gun to interpret this as a first step in managing you out. It could be, of course, but it's by no means inevitable.

I've found that there is a certain type of manager who just cannot bear to not include something negative in any kind of review or appraisal meeting. It's a power thing I think, like they think they need to keep employees on their toes to stop then being complacent. I think it's just as likely that this is what's happening here, based on what you've said.

I love the way you write on here, OP. You come across as lively, open, straight to the point and honest. I'm guessing this is your natural style so you give that kind of impression when talking.

Some people have difficulty aligning articulate, honest and open-hearted talk with professional standards. This is because they're wankers, but it would be more helpful to view them as insecure - needing things to be done right, in their eyes, because they fear failure.

I agree with replies suggesting you lick the corporate arse a little more obviously! (Well, nobody's put it quite like that.) Show How Much You Value His Feedback by tweaking some things which you can then explicitly show as evidence that you take his comments seriously and he's successfully made you a better team member. Stop double-checking as much. Sound more definitive. Also bear in mind that somebody else might be trying to undermine you by exaggerating your concern for DD while at work - when colleagues invite you to talk about her, or about parenting, shut it down as non-commitally as you can.

Others are offering good suggestions; I just wanted to highlight the aspect at looking at this from the point of view of what your manager/colleagues need, rational or not.

I'd be concerned that this new manager has a vision for what his team looks like going into this "exciting new phase" and you're not in it. They might have liked how it worked while you were on mat leave and now you've come back and messed up their plans.
So obviously when you ask what you're doing wrong they have nothing. Because it's not you, it's them. Be very careful around people like this. They do not have your best interests at heart.
Hopefully this isn't the case, but it's just as well to protect yourself in case it is.

As a previous PP lawyer I also assumed that was your job from the OP (not sure what that says about the profession..!) but aside from the fact that you definitely won’t have a union in that case (which is always trotted out here as an option), I agree with this PP that I wouldn’t go to HR unless this escalates a lot. I don’t think you’d recover from it in practical terms with this manager. Genuinely wish you the best of luck with this, it’s not easy and I’ve watched many colleagues do bedside stories from glass meeting rooms to stay in the office showing face. It’s not worth it!

It sounds a bit, based on your post and updates, like they are trying to ensure you’re not planning a second child any time soon! Is your manager male by any chance? Does he have children?

I agree with @BadSkiingMum, and I’m glad to see you picked up on her post. When you said that you had just commented on your work-life balance in a chatty way, my heart sank a little because I’m sure that’s when the manager latched onto that particular issue. It may even be that they are patting themselves on the back for ‘listening’ and telling you at the end of the meeting that you should work on this…

I also agree with PP who said that the impression you may give with the double-checking and appearing in a rush etc is probably where any issues with colleagues comes from. Think back - when you have double-checked in recent weeks, has anything you’ve done been wrong or needed adjustment? If not, maybe worth really trying to break this particular habit. That may be all you need to do to appear more ‘robust’. From everything else you’ve said it doesn’t sound like they have a long list of examples of your work not being up to scratch, so it’s likely to all be (incorrect) perceptions. This means you are correct to consider yourself to be doing a perfectly good job.

I think you need to get everything in writing.

Id also suggest there’s potentially grounds for sex based discrimination if this goes further. Would a man doing exactly the same as you be told that his WLB wasn’t skewed? Absolutely not.

Totally agree with all this post, especially the second paragraph. Nails it, in my opinion.

Btw, @pensandpapwrs, you can take it as a massive compliment that someone who writes as well as @Garlicbest comments favourably on your communication style!

Honestly it’s none of your employers business, home life is just that. Who are they to even comment on that. Personally I’d reaffirm the boundaries and not let them drag you into working more (if you don’t want to).

I am not quite sure why everyone is piling up in the OP and thinking that her employer is necessarily right....

To me it sounds instead like they are trying to find a way to get rid of her now that she has a baby and to try to avoid a claim of discrimination they are slowly trying to undermine her and suggest her performance has dropped without providing concrete evidence.

OP, you need to email your manager and state that you like in writing a list of the concerns and clear details of what they would like you to do to address them.

But I must say in reality you need to prepare yourself for having to find a new job sooner than later because it sounds like they are trying to get you out.

Get everything in writing and get legal advice.

I agree with those posters who say ignore everyone who says this is them gearing up to get rid of you.

You’ve mentioned many things which were positive and which indicate they expect you to continue in your post. It’s typical of the anxious over thinker (your phrase) that you are finding it hard to give the positives their full weight.

I think the two points this manager tried to raise were made poorly, as it is hard to figure out what actions and behaviours of yours he was really talking about.

You can ask him for a follow-up conversation to help you understand the feedback you received at the performance review. Remember though he may worry he got himself onto thin ice and that you may be preparing to complain.

If you have this conversation make sure you are highly professional - repeat the two points he made and say that you would like him to give you concrete examples of the behaviours that he thinks need to change. Emphasise this is because you want to be able to take the feedback on board and address it. Try to strike a diplomatic balance - don’t make it his fault for not explaining but don’t take the blame on yourself for not understanding.

If I was to read between the lines and guess. The tipping too much towards home life is likely to be what various posters suggest. I’d add: Are you by any chance underestimating the stress that others in the team are under who are not the parents of young children? When you are rushed do you make comments connecting the pressure you are feeling to you being a parent of a young child? As an “anxious over-thinker” did you used to work long hours to do the work in a way that made you comfortable, and you are having trouble adjusting to the constraints you now face?

You are adamant that you don’t talk about DD - firstly, in some workplaces the tolerance for women speaking about their children, childcare and so on is still unbelievably low, secondly, some people think they aren’t talking about their child or making references to their role as a parent but colleagues experience it quite differently.

The comment about robust is not unclear, it’s just not possible to tell from the post and your answers whether it’s fair or not.

I think I would ask yourself whether this manager is not great at managing a returner, or whether there is some truth in what he tried to say. I’d also ask myself whether some of what he said could have come from comments from others in the team, whether fair or unfair, and if so, what and why?

It sounds to me like they rate you, and as someone else said, they think it’s six months in and they want you to have fully adjusted to your new reality.

One hard nosed piece of advice. Always blank every comment and question that might be trying to sound you out about whether you are going to have another child soon (and go on mat leave again). Graciously respond to assurances that they see you as part of the great future of the team “that’s brilliant, thanks, I love being part of this team.”

Personally, I wouldn't want to work for an organisation that doesn't have flexibility and doesn't value the working mother. I understand the need to put the work in and not leave work for other members of the team but it doesn't sound like you're doing that. It sounds like discrimination and I'd be logging all my work hours on a timesheet (if you don't already) and joining a union. Ask your boss for clarification first though.