Am I out of practice or was this a weird discussion with manager?

[pensandpapwrs]

I’ve been back at work just under six months after Mat leave, my daughter is 18 months. I was told my work wasn’t perfect when I came back as I was missing small things (work in a professional role) but I was steadily improving as the months had gone on. I was asked how I felt about things etc. I was told of the direction of the company and that manager was looking forward to us all embarking on this next phase of growth together.

So that was all ok. So I thought. I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine. I also am on target. I just felt it was a weird thing to say, like how is the balance wrong and how can I NOT collect my child or be there for the home stuff? I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

I came out of the meeting feeling totally mixed messages. Am I reading into this too much?

At this point you don’t know that you have a huge fight on your hands - you do know that your manager wants to see something they are not seeing right now.

But at this point you don’t know what that is - it could just be a small pivot that will change perceptions. It could be an increase in work targets.

I strongly recommend a clarifying email not a meeting first because it sound like you have a manager who is struggling to be clear and specific in person. Asking them to write it out will help them focus.

But it’s in your best interests at this point to show that you welcome this feedback, that you’re a team player, that you understand the vision and direction the team is going. Do the corporate ass-kissing.

People are saying that they wouldn’t have this conversation with a man but one of the things that men are never hesitant to do is big themselves up and make sure they take credit for all their wins - they send emails pointing out their strengths and met goals, before any meeting like this takes place.

Meet this kind of feedback with a ‘Yes…And’ approach not a ‘No… But’

Yes, I hear your feedback I can see your point… And I’d like to take this opportunity to show how improvement has been made.

And any conversation going forward from
colleagues or management that asks you how you are finding things with home work balance you say “I’m doing really well thanks - I have lots of support and everything I need is in place etc etc”

Great advice from @wordler.

You play the game that's what you do. You channel your inner warrior. You listen to what is going on around you and pay very close attention to what is being said. You start keeping notes. You don't share concerns or insecurities.

It's rubbish and it shouldn't be like this but you have to stay strong because if there is a plan to get rid of you, your manager is banking on you crumbling. 'Not robust enough' will then be added to the list of failings.

It's highly likely you are doing nothing wrong. You need to decide if this is the type of person you want to work for. Funnily enough, you too have a choice.

I didn't mean to alarm you with my comment - but if your working more hours than you're contracted for and LM is suggesting it's not enough, how dare you have a life outside work, it would be good to keep track of the comments.
Either for a formal complaint, tribunal if it gets really shitty and you decide to call constructive dismissal, or they do 'have a reorganisation' and organise you out.
Hopefully an informal well judged word will sort it, or LM will grow a brain cell - put you shouldn't have to put up with constant demeaning put downs - however much you know LM is being unreasonable, it will wear you down.

You're not a machine. You are allowed a home life. Sounds like bullying a woman after ML and piling pressure on and that you should be thankful for the job. Get to Fxuk. Union up.

@ConstanceM this is what it feels like

And this is why we’re having fewer children.

I think they’re not happy with the “new” you; the working mother version. It sounds dreadful. Shame on them. I’d ask for clarification of the meeting, in writing. What does your partner think? If you are genuinely doing all you say above, you sound like a committed member of the team. Are you supposed to pretend you don’t have a life beyond your work? I’d look for new employment.

I’ve read this post with interest.
The time and effort that this person @wordler has taken to write this advice for you is very kind and selfless. Seems like some great advice and insight from their comments for you too.
Sounds like they’re singling you out a bit for whatever reason. Some workplaces just don’t like workers who have any priority whatsoever other than their job, which is obviously outdated and unethical but still happens. I’d say keep your head down, do your best, keep your private life private - remember “loose lips sink ships” and do your best to nod and say yes. Hopefully, it will blow over.

Ask for another meeting. Write down points that you need clarification on. Be clear on what your understanding of your role within the company currently is. Ask them to be equally clear on what their requirements and expectations of you are. Tell them you would like the meeting to be recorded in writing so that you both have a copy of role,expectations etc. Ask if you can have "touch base" meetings on a regular basis in order to ensure that you are both satisfied the job spec. Is being met!

Are your work hours flexible or are you just able to be flexible if needed?

I’m wondering if the logging in early and completing things later on in the evening makes them think you’re struggling to get things done.

Your home life is important, I would work on a better balance of doing your expected hours and nothing out of these hours. You need to switch off from work and prioritise home life and vice versa.

If you’re able to not nip out to collect your child, either arrange something else or they stay there longer, I would do this. Don’t give them any excuse to use your home life against you.

Don't let this go, you are being bullied. Ask for the written summary and identify the areas that don't reflect the discussion if there are any ... I am sure there will be. Helpful if they do reflect the comments they made so don't worry if they do. Point out areas you don't agree with either what was said or provide evidence to refute what they say. If they disagree provide your summary /changes signed and ask in writing they be kept together with their version and explain why .. your recollection different to the conversation that was had. Then book another meeting and take a trusted colleague to take notes and ask for clarification on the points that are unclear. Leave the second meeting knowing if there is an issue with your performance or not. Be sure that if there is it is set out clearly. If there is ask for evidence, if justified ask what he/she believes is required to improve your performance and agree a plan you feel comfortable with to address any shortfalls with agreed measures. Cut this dead now, play the game but let them know you understand what is happening and that you are not rolling over. Have faith in yourself and confidence .. this is tactical bullying of a new mum / office gossip .. passive bullying techniques . Make sure everything documented / keep your own notes from hereon. Hopefully it will die a death, if it doesn't those notes will be invaluable. Ensure you maintain notes on your performance and ask that any issues are brought to your personal attention at the time they take place by your manager so they can discussed and resolved immediately. Don't let them intimidate you.. you have got this. Productivity does not mean extra hours in the office so be home for your little one. You can have a career and achieve success with a family.. don't doubt yourself x

@pensandpapwrs I have just caught up with the thread and am still feeling a bit uneasy for you.

In addition to the points already covered:

Hours - you are clearly working the hours, but are you working the right hours? When does your manager arrive and leave? Could you swap your routine to take your toddler to nursery and your DH do the collection?
I managed my work for years by aligning my hours with those of my head of department. She would arrive later and leave later, so I did the same. Being in early would have been pointless for me, as it was about 4.30pm that she would typically want to discuss something I had sent her or a have a key conversation that moved a project forward.

Image - I think that you might need to show or do something to project that you are career focused. Host a seminar. Make a connection with a new client. Write an article. Become very active on LinkedIn. Or could the change simply be visual - could a more corporate image or a new haircut be the change you need?

It goes against my grain to write that last point as I know that you shouldn't need to do this and a man wouldn't ever need to do this, but those changes are a far easier road than the path that eventually becomes a grievance and ends with a payoff and an NDA.

Email your Manager asking for a copy of the meeting notes. If there weren't any taken ask if they can summarise what was said as you found a few things a bit unclear. Go through what they send you & email any queries you have so it's in writing so there's something to go back to if you're still not clear on certain things that was said.