A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

Could you please walk this way, toward the sea, and keep walking

What a selfish ungrateful cxxt. You are not livid enough

Agree. Take the initiative. Say 'I was disappointed not to get a mention when you thanked people in your speech'. See how he responds.

Understandably you feel overlooked and undervalued. It was really thoughtless of him not to include your support. I’d probably make some plans for independence if you’re feeling worried about the future.

I'd have stood up and called out, "Ladies and gentlemen, he wouldn't be where he is today, even standing here before you, if I hadn't washed his pants and socks and ironed his shirt!"

The way I see it a SAHP’s job role needs to be formalised so both parties know what to expect from the arrangement.
This should focus on the ‘three Cs’- cleaning, catering, childcare with other duties to be agreed with the working parent like gardening and DIY.

Seriously??

If she refuses to do anything for him and his response is to stop paying the bills instead of wising up then that tells OP everything she needs to know about him

YANBU. I’m sorry that this happened.

He seems the type that everyone would be thinking this anyway 🤣 I have gathered you all here today to celebrate Mo 🤩

This is just so hurtful.

@coxesorangepippin

Bottom line, there's no value in 'women's work'.
A woman looks after a family, cooks dinner, does laundry, wipes up children's tears, does homework, sorts shit out, etc etc and nauseum for 30 years.

I don’t disagree that domestic work is undervalued and taken for granted but why is this “women’s work”?

I understand why the OP feels aggrieved at the fact that her husband doesn’t appreciate this but surely the problem is that she’s taken it upon herself to do all this undervalued dog work in expectation of some recognition when she is fully aware there won’t be any.

There’s a societal problem with the model of one person earning all the money and the other one doing all the important but unpaid work. This post is a shining example of why this isn’t a good way to structure a family.

I mean no disrespect here towards the OP and I don’t know what the background was to her stopping work but one of the many reasons why it’s a bad idea to become wholly dependent on another adult for your livelihood is precisely that few people really value unpaid work.

The only way this will get fixed is if men are forced to pitch in at home. And that won’t happen until women stop taking on the role of unpaid “facilitators”.

My friend's dad did the same - thanked his "family" while gesturing to his siblings.
Never once mentioned his wife (who also worked but obviously had to contend with his even increasing work commitments) or children who he hardly saw while he was working long hours, doing a degree that he never used, residential training courses for up to a year at a time. It's not even that he did it to support the family as his earnings never really increased in line with all the extra time he spent on training/improvement.
We always joked that his "real" family only included his siblings....
Some men....

Read the OP's second post. She didn't stop work until last year. She may have worked less than full-time hours years ago when the children were younger, she hasn't said. She simply says his career took priority because it was steadier than hers, but hers could have been better paid, from the sound of it, had she been able to focus on it.

What a pratt.

Speech should be along the lines of... the utmost love and respect to my amazing wife (name) for her continued support throughout the years.

I know someone that ends up doing a lot of speeches to thank people for being involved, and he says he very rarely mentions people individually because it's too easy to leave someone out.
He also said that it's often the people who have done a lot that are forgotten because they're always there so don't stick out in the way that someone whose done less does.

You are the gift that keeps on giving. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
PS I think you overlooked the SAHP servicing the car.

Yes.
However, personally I would appreciate to be mentioned in this situation.
Fortunately, I never "facilitated" anyone's career.

How humiliating for you.

In a way it’s done you a favour as it’s shown you his true colours. A year career break is nothing get your cv polished and apply away.
Once you get offer frank conversation about division of labour at home, him doing nothing is not going to fly.
Teen parenting and getting them launched successfully took lots of parenting time - it’s very intensive period. He can’t just opt out.
I’d also bring up how hurt you were by him mentioning people and not you.

What more does she need to know. What part of you think this woman wants divorce.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

She simply says his career took priority because it was steadier than hers, but hers could have been better paid, from the sound of it, had she been able to focus on it

Yeah I realise this. It doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t making some huge sacrifice by giving up work which merits am acknowledgement.

Why did his career “take priority” because his salary was higher? It shouldn’t be the default to stop working just because you don’t earn as much as your husband. Her job should be an equal priority. Nothing will ever change if everyone takes the approach that a lower paid job doesn’t matter.

It does seem the husband is self centred and a bit insensitive but she hasn’t really done anything to merit thanks purely because she’s stopped working. Although I get that it’s stressful, that’s on her.

Re. I don’t disagree that domestic work is undervalued and taken for granted but why is this “women’s work”?

^

Re. Women's work. Because women mostly do it. It's not women's work. We all know that. It should be men's work too. But it's mostly not. As we all know.

Could be lots of things. Could have been made senior partner of a big law or accountancy firm, could be a barrister just made a judge, could be in business and been made CEO. All these couid involve several drinks parties to celebrate.

You need to communicate to him how hurt you feel, sounds like he's taken you for granted

I didn’t say she did??