A bit sad I wasn't mentioned individually for supporting DH's career

[PlateSpinn]

So DH has just had a notable promotion and a celebration.
I've been there for 30 years, the student years,the low pay, the working away, the chewing over projects. My career took a terrible hit at multiple times to support him and keep the whole kid and home circus on the road.
He thanked his family several.times, looking at his parents, named a few colleagues and that was it.
I'm beginning to feel a little publicly humiliated and suspecting I might be at the end point of being useful when youngest goes to Uni.

Would you thank a spouse or should I just feel family covers it?
YANBU thank your partner
YABU family covers it.

Any good ideas for 'ducks in a row' worst case, I'm being 'let go' shortly.

Really!!!! What a sad opinion this is 🙄

I think the importance of the ceremonial mention is a bit of red herring tbh.

If he's a shit husband who doesn't appreciate a damn thing you do, then a mention at his ceremony is meaningless and a hollow nothing.

If he's a really great husband who supports you, builds you up, really appreciates everything that you do and lifts his end without being told how to lift it, then the ceremony omission needs to be viewed within the context of that.

If this event is actually an accidental catalyst for your own feelings of frustration and regret about your current domestic set up, then again, view it through the right lens and act accordingly.

We have practically no information on any of this, so no idea, tbh!

I sincerely hope this is a wind up.

@coxesorangepippin

Re. Women's work. Because women mostly do it. It's not women's work. We all know that. It should be men's work too. But it's mostly not. As we all know.

Of course.

But as long as women continue to use this rhetoric about “prioritising his career” and “I supported him” attitudes towards “women’s work” won’t change. Sometimes women are their own worst enemies.

The bottom line is it’s not necessary to have someone at home “facilitating”. It may be advantageous for the working partner or the family. But when people position it as a “necessity” they just reinforce the idea of it being “women’s work”.

First read I thought you’re over thinking it but if I’m honest with myself, I’d be hurt if my husband did the same but not ducks-in-a-row upset. What else is happening to get you there?

Did he have notes? My DH decided to wing his wedding speech because he couldn't find his notes and forgot to actually mention me!

I can laugh about it because everyone saw how happy he was to be marrying me and I don't think anyone there could have interpreted it as not caring about me. But this seems kind of hurtful unless it was off the cuff and he could have just forgotten that important part....

Personally I don't describe DH as my 'family'. We have a family together and we both have our separate families, but he is my husband and me his wife. We choose eachother.

So no I wouldn't be happy being as being lumped in with 'family' in a big speech. Especially if he was looking in the direction of his mother when he said.

Happened to me too. You do such a good job keeping his show on the road he doesn’t even realise how much you’re doing.

DJ always dry cleaned and ready to go ✅
Secretaries’ Christmas presents bought ✅
Nutritious dinner served up at midnight ✅
Speeches and presentations sanity checked ✅
Clean house to come home to ✅
All domestic appts attended to by you ✅
Helping plan outfits for filming ✅
Last minute dash to the airport ✅

Not to mention all the work coaching, counselling and diplomacy advice!!!

I think I'm in a similar place. I'd either be not bothered, or a bit bothered, depending on my mood/whatever else was circling in my head at the time. I definitely wouldn't be ducks-in-a-row bothered unless there a LOT of backstory culminating in that moment.

I proofread my ex's PhD thesis and he didn't thank me in the acknowledgements. He'd obviously checked out of our (7 year) relationship. I thought it was shitty because, however much he no longer loved me, I'd still put in a lot of hard work on it (same dickhead had sex with me hours before dumping me). Proofread current DP's PhD thesis a couple of years later, and he did thank me in the acknowledgements.

It's understandable you don't feel your contribution has been acknowledged.
It's fair to agree that he is thoughtless not to mention you specifically.
Are you jealous of his recent accolades and him being in the limelight?

I'm puzzled as to why @PlateSpinn thinks that he wants a divorce.

@PlateSpinn in the light of this update, you should be more than a bit sad… you should be fucking furious!
How very dare he fail to acknowledge your sacrifice which was way more significant than that of his parents!

Wow, thank you nest of vipers and our friend using his mum's wifi.

You can all sleep well tonight, cos he's still off doing his very important job. So I can cycle through a few emotions, maybe have an extra bump of HRT.

I don't know how this is going to play out but it does feel a motivating point for me. I'm absolutely in the classic pre retirement, stick or twist, zone. We're all grown ups, we all know those vows should be changed to 'Till divorce do us part'. He currently has more opportunity to see greener grass so I'm not stupid enough to think never. But I thought we were about to enter the better, healthy times together.

We've been to together to long to do much emotional chat but perhaps it's time.

You are not stupid and you are not naive. We do make choices that we think are the best in the given situation. I do think your husband was not tactful when he failed to mention you in his speech.

You did what you thought was best in the given situation. Give yourself some credit and if someone does not appreciate it point it out to them.

I've learnt my lessons after two marriages that women shouldn't give up a damned thing for a man.
They completely take it for granted and won't hesitate to just leave you if a better life with someone else comes along.
They don't give a shit about your sacrifice and this shouts taking you for granted loud and long.
I'd be giving him the bollocking of his life.

@PlateSpinn

This might not seem relevant to your situation but I think in a way it is. My DH had a big important job and a very exciting life once upon a time (he was retired when we met) He's now bedbound and I'm obviously giving 24/7 care. We have difficult moments of course but he tells me he loves me a dozen times a day and I know he values what I do for him. He tells me and others.

You deserve to be valued too (and not as some have suggested as a household operational unit)

I went to my mate's DH's 40th a few years ago - his wife (my friend) had organised everything at the party and does the majority of family admin and childcare plus works full time. His career has continued on an upward trajectory whilst hers has plateaued.
At this party, he thanked everyone EXCEPT his wife - he did mention 'family' but then immediately talked about his DB and DM. He even thanked his mate's wife who baked the cake.
Someone even shouted - 'How about thanking Jackie!' but he didn't hear him

I just thought it was really poor form.
I actually don't think he meant it on purpose, he is so used to Jackie doing EVERYTHING he is oblivious to all her extra hard work - he thinks that's normal. I think the lack of recognition for you and Jackie just shows an astounding level of ignorance.

@PlateSpinn tell your DH how you feel and what a knob he is.

I would be beyond hurt. Way beyond. I can't believe, well sadly I can, that no thought was given. Just awful.

That's not the impression the OP set out in her first post.

@PlateSpinn Please please please don't let the nasty comments get to you. You sacrificed your career for him and your children, ofcourse he should have thanked you. I am so sorry for you OP, you deserve better, much better. Definitely time to have a serious talk..🌷

It will not have gone unnoticed by those with an ounce of self awareness.
He's made a quiet show of himself IMO.

Good for you to talk to him about it but I feel he may say what another poster said earlier; but I did mention you didn't I?
Ummm no you didn't and the reason he didn't is you may have be one his 'Invisible support'.

He knows it, he lives it but he doesn't see it. Because it's just 'there'.

And when you did a work return recently he didn't put in the effort domestically to support you.
Cos that's your job 🙄.

You mentioned dealing with teens and stuff and he couldn't 'cope' (yeah right as he's 'above ' that stuff).

Time for you to choose your own path and just do it.
He showed you who he is at that moment. He would have notes. He's not daft. It was because he no longer sees your effort as important of a mention. Takes it for granted.

It might have just been an oversight or maybe he takes you for granted and so didn’t think to mention you. It could also be that you were included when he said “family” since you are family. You are clearly deeply hurt (and I would be too) so I think you should ask him. You will then have your answer.

This seems really harsh...

He had his '5 mins of glory', and some, because they had a celebration for him.

OP does not sound 'me, me' at all; more like (IMO) she's noticed that he mentioned other people and has subsequently reflected that he hasn't acknowledged her personally, despite supporting him to her own cost, which has made her sad.

I don't know of any spouse that's arranged a party upon the promotion of the other, personally, and I think it's odd to pull up the OP on this.