MIL strikes again

[againanothernamechange]

DP and I have a 10 month old, we live a 40 min drive from his dads house, we have an agreement in place that once a month for childcare reasons his dad and step mum will have GC. we have to drop GC off, he stays overnight and then GP's will drop him back home after work the following day. I admit, this month we've had to ask them to have him on a couple more occasions than usual because of mine the DP's work.

GC is due to go today, he's been off colour all week, and is now full of cold but MIL (its easier to call her that) is questioning if he's well enough for the visit! she says that she had planned for her own DD's child to be there 'for quality time apparently!!' (theres a 6 month difference), but if our son is poorly, she will have to cancel this as its not fair to pass any germs on!!!

I simply can't take time off work, nor can my DP and its just a cold!

AIBU by sending GC or YANBU.. its just a cold and she's being precious about the other GC

I can't even imagine anyone having my 10m old overnight without me, ever. Not even GP. It sounds simultaneously an incredible luxury and a stressful strain on the bond to be honest.

Whay are you or DH not caring for your poorly baby?

Yup

I'm sorry your Mil isn't making your life easier. You obviously need alternate childcare.

What jobs do you and your husband do where the pair of you can't take any time off?

“can i not be cut a bit of slack just once!”

Fuck me, you don’t know you’re born!

You clearly do not appreciate your in-laws at all. They already look after your child at least once a week and sometimes more and it’s only 10months old!
I guess you’ll be popping off for a weekend break next. 😂

How about the fact that your poor child is feeling unwell and probably wants his mummy?

We had no grandparents on either side so all childcare was done by me inc. when I was really unwell. Once with a migraine and projectile vomiting down the hallway and having to stick baby DS in his playpen for most of the day. Then there was the time I had proper flu and lay on the sofa every day with DS crawling around on the floor. His Christmas dinner was beans on toast that year as that was as much as I could manage.

Here's my suggestion OP ...

1. Organise some regular paid childcare
2. Invite you mil and fil over to yours sometime next month - or even better, suggest a meet up at a local national trust or the park or somewhere, so your in-laws can simply enjoy their grandchildren and your company, without only seeing GC as childcare providers. You could even treat your in-laws to lunch as a thanks for all they've done so far by way of childcare. I bet they'd love that!
3. If they offer to have GC again, ensure at least a few times, it's on a day when you are free and let the GC go to his grandparents just for fun! and for their pleasure.
4. See the in laws again just for relaxed meet ups with no strings. Maybe each time the look after DC for you, you could meet you mil for a coffee then next weekend, as a thanks, without the DH and your DC. Just the two of you.
5. Watch the relationship improve :)

YABVU.

I remember a good few years back my sister done the same because 'she had to work' and everyone got sick. Myself and my children included.

It's very selfish. It's just a cold reasoning is bizarre., especially IF the other child has asthma or other health conditions.

So you won't take the day off work to look after your ill child but you expect your in laws to ?

Either use some of your wages to pay someone to care for your child. Or give up work. It's a choice most of us have to make.

It must be annoying to keep justifying your parenting choices to your MIL and it's true that you are the parent, not her, so the decisions lie with you.

But that has nothing whatsoever to do with the childcare arrangement, where she is doing you a massive favour, and therefore her needs and preferences deserve a lot more respect.

Well, no, you don’t appreciate anything they do actually. That comes out loud and clear. You’re trying to make her sound like some witchy harridan of a stepmother, and all you’re doing is making her sound like a big hearted, generous woman who helps out an ungrateful, entitled “me me me” mother when she absolutely does not deserve it.

The ONLY things you’ve been able to accuse her of is upsetting your delicate little heart for questioning you on eating your baby far too young and how early you put him in his own room. I’ve got news for you, they are normal things for an older, more experienced mother to question, they’re about your sons safety-not about you.
You appear to be very “take take take” with this woman, what do you do for her in return for her giving up so much of her free time to look after your child?? Do you have them round for Sunday lunch? Do you make a fuss of her on Mother’s Day? Do you ever offer to take her out as a thank you? Get her the odd bottle of wine to show your appreciation?
My own mother wouldn’t have given up that much time to look after my son when he was little-nor would have I asked her to! And I certainly would never have foisted him on someone when he was ill-even if it was “just a cold” 🤦🏻‍♀️
Stop doubling down and defending yourself, you’re in the wrong-and you owe this woman a huge debt of gratitude

I note the OP has not responded to the point about weaning

i am aware of the advice, i just felt that we couldn't fill him up, so we decided to try him on baby rice etc. he now eats a wide variety of foods.

Well said @WhimsicalGubbins76 exactly what I was thinking!

Except for the part about eating her baby 🤣🤣 stupid thing won’t let me edit, so that clanger can just stay in

Perhaps your husband should be the one dealing with his dad/stepmum, OP.

Let him sort out the childcare conversations when dealing with his side of things. And if his parents refuse to take him with a cold, then he can stay home with the baby, no?

can i not be cut a bit of slack just once

OMG, you're being cut slack once a month for every month of this baby's life so far, and this last month multiple times a month! It's not her job to look after your baby so you can work! She's doing you a massive favour. You've got this so wrong.

Look at it from her perspective: she can't see her own daughter's children, her grandchildren, in case her step-grandson for whom she already provides free childcare makes them sick. It's only a cold, but think about it from her DD's perspective.

I think you need to organise your family life better, you and your partner.

This really can't be a serious thread. Nobody could be that obtuse.

Your MIL sounds like a concerned and fair person OP.
I think she is well within her rights to not take your ill DC at the same time as her other DGC.
I hesitate to ask how you would feel if the situation was reversed, because you might not mind your child being exposed to illness, as long as 'someone' else will be caring for them when they get sick.
Time to step up, between your DH and yourself and find someone else or stay home with them.

It sounds like they help you out quite a bit and have been extra accommodating over the past month, especially since she's not actually your DH's Mum. It's not fair for her to put the health of another child at risk and it's very reasonable that she also wants to spend time with her actual GC.

You "simply can" take time off work- you have a sick child and like every other working parent, you have to sort it out with your employer.

Well…what an entitled selfish brat you seem to be OP. Other people do matter too you know.

I suspect she’s being perfectly reasonable also with questioning your parenting choices.

I'm with MIL. Fill him up so he sleeps and early into his own room seems all for parents and parents careers benefits

Have you thought about asking your own parents, or DH's Mum, for help? Because it seems like there's only one person stepping up to help you and they are the one getting the flack.

As PPs have pointed out, it's quite unusual that at 10 months you are already needing her to have him overnight numerous times a month and not wanting to take time off to take care of him when he's unwell. You've also made decisions which make life easier for the parents but have been shown to be harmful to babies' health and development. It sounds like (especially considering she's considering cancelling seeing her own GC to take on yours) that she's concerned that you and DH are not coping with parenthood, and is trying to be a safety net for GC.

Sorry, I’m a big fan of my kids being looked after by family for lots of reasons, but a major downside is you can’t send them if there even a little more than sniffly.

I’m interested in the examples you’re giving as things your mil has commented on - I’ve been on here a long time and mils usually suggest early weaning and shifting to sleeping alone, while the mum delays these things. Interesting.