MIL strikes again

[againanothernamechange]

DP and I have a 10 month old, we live a 40 min drive from his dads house, we have an agreement in place that once a month for childcare reasons his dad and step mum will have GC. we have to drop GC off, he stays overnight and then GP's will drop him back home after work the following day. I admit, this month we've had to ask them to have him on a couple more occasions than usual because of mine the DP's work.

GC is due to go today, he's been off colour all week, and is now full of cold but MIL (its easier to call her that) is questioning if he's well enough for the visit! she says that she had planned for her own DD's child to be there 'for quality time apparently!!' (theres a 6 month difference), but if our son is poorly, she will have to cancel this as its not fair to pass any germs on!!!

I simply can't take time off work, nor can my DP and its just a cold!

AIBU by sending GC or YANBU.. its just a cold and she's being precious about the other GC

I have never heard anyone be unkind to someone for doing what was the best advice they had at the time. Unfortunately, people don't stop there, they continue to talk about how they/their baby was "fine" and therefore it was perfectly safe.

When my daughter has her own children, I'm sure she will tell me some advice is now different based on the latest research, and I will continue to think it's brilliant that the more we learn the better able we are to take care of our precious babies and keep them safe.

I would also judge you for starting him on solids too early.

You or your DH should be taking time off to look after your sick child. Poor little thing.

@dragonfliesandbees "Being in the same room as another person is protective against SIDS. A baby monitor is no substitute for a person."

So interesting. It's the first time I hear this. Mine are 11 and 14 and the advice I was given (and looked up) was to not have them sleep on a soft surface, never on their tummy and not having anything in the bed that could block their airways. Not too hot in the room, well aired, absolutely not in the same bed as parents. I followed the advice religiously but they did have their own nursery with baby monitor always on ofcourse. From what I can find about the bebefits of children sleeping with their parents (in their own cot) is that it seems to lessen the risk for SIDS but nobody can explain why. It could be that SIDS happening when babies are in their own room is simply due to not having the baby monitor on so not hearing if a baby is distressed.

My lovely MIL did exhaust me when my children were small with her outdated "knowledge'. Children should sleep on their stomachs and you can give them cheese when 5 m old etc. I found that the best way to deal with it was to say "I've asked their pediatrician, he's firmly against it". I did this with everything because if I told her that I read it on NHS guidelines she would not give up. But she knew the doctor so he was like god to her. Poor fellow, if he knew how much he has "told me" during the years 😄

The ops mil was probably left in a pram to cry in the garden. That's what was advised to her parents back in the 50's and 60's. You wonder how the human race survived. Another poster said I can't go back in time and change anything she was a healthy baby and is now a healthy adult. I can't live on regrets what do you want me to say she's fucked. Well I'm not going to and it's pointless making the op feel bad explain to her what could happen and give advice another poster called her an idiot. How's that helping women are meant to be caring and nurturing so they say. This is Mumsnet after all.

You may think the new guidelines later is bonkers but she will tell you it's right what's she's doing.

It could be psychological? When baby is sleeping next to you in a cot they can hear you snoring or moving about. It may give them some comfort knowing you are close. If a baby sleeps alone they could feel more distressed. Babies live inside you for 9 months all they know is you. Mother and baby are suddenly seperated is a shock for baby. My son took it the hardest out of all my babies he was always crying the first 6 weeks.

You don't sound like you appreciate what they do for you very much! I think if your baby is ill, either you or your partner should stay home with him. If he's full of cold he's probably feeling pretty rotten and at 10 months he can't tell you. Keep him home in the warm and don't expose others to the virus.

YABVU - other children don't need to catch your child's germs, thank you very much!!

Are you a troll?

Weaning and having baby in own room is not recommended unt six months, especially not having in own room as can prevent SIDS being in with you so she has a point to be worried.

You should be at home with your child if he's sick don't have children if you don't care when they are unwell ffs

Thread title says it all. Mill strikes again indeed.

Should read 'Entitled mother stamps foot petulantly'

OP you will be a MIL one day. Think on.

You are also unreasonable to describe the visit of StepMiL’s own grandchild as a ‘playdate’.

No-one is perfect. The day my daughter came home from hospital, it was snowing, my parents came to pick us up and I put my daughter in her car seat in a snowsuit. No-one told me any different and as neither of us drove at the time, I hadn't done any carbseat research. She survived, because we didn't crash. If I saw another mother about to take her newborn somewhere in a car, I would straight away tell her that that is very dangerous, not because I'm judging her for not knowing but because I assume every mother wants her baby to be as safe as possible.

I do feel sorry for mums in the past, before we had the internet and when science about child development was in its early stages. I'm sure the countless parents who lost babies to preventable causes, and all the adults suffering preventable health problems, wish they'd had that knowledge, which has reduced infant mortality in 2024 to 1/10 of what it was in 1950.

I will never think my daughter is "bonkers" for following the best science we have at the time based on all the research that will be done between now and then to keep her babies safe. I would be very worried if she decided to disregard anything new in favour of parenting the exact way I've done.

can i not be cut a bit of slack just once

Are you actually serious? Was she not cutting you slack when she did all the extra childcare for you this month? You clearly don’t like this woman but feel like it’s perfectly acceptable to use her for free childcare, and let’s be real, it’s most likely to be her doing the majority, otherwise your FiL could come to yours to look after your baby today. You’re a user. What have YOU done for HER recently? Or do you feel you don’t owe her anything?

My child is 22 and the advice was six months old for weaning. I think it was new advice because I remember my health visitor mentioning it was a change. I suppose it took a while to filter through as official guidance,

I think that's a dangerous suggestion - I've also not heard of babies succumbing to SIDS making noises as if distressed. A monitor is not enough. My oldest is almost 18 and the advice when he was born was to be in the same room for all sleeps.

The BCG vaccination was a good idea. Introducing solids at 4 months was standard advice from health visitors from the 70s onwards. Has stopped in last decade or so, I think.

When I had my second child and I moved out of London they said she didn't need it. I did explain my dad had TB when he was a child and all they said have you come from these countries if not then no she won't need it. There's only two years between my first two children. They must have changed the guidelines again in that time?

That's because in certain parts of London TB rates are still high. All newborn babies in areas where the TB rate is more than 40/100,000 are offered the BCG.

All that's awful and I'm with you there, but this?
She's doing absolutely nothing wrong - if your kid's sick, I get it's hard to get time off but I wouldn't want anyone knowingly sick here either to pass their germs on.
YABVU

YABVU. your child is unwell.

Not a suggestion a hypothesis. Nobody can explain why this is the case whereas when it comes to all other advice the reasons are obvious.

I don't know about change to advice lately - but I would be surprised if it has, because TB is back. My own experience is much older. I refused a BCG for my son in the late 70s because it was only offered to babies whose parents were of Indian extraction, and I considered this racist. I know, that was a stupid reaction, but the late 70s were a bit touchy in that way. My late FiL died of a TB related illness and I got my kids vaccinated pronto (and self) realising I had endangered DC for ideological reasons.

My mother's older brother and his father both died of TB in the 1920s, so I had no excuse to be so touchy when the intention was good - to protect my son from TB (which can have devastating effects e.g. TB meningitis, which can kill but also leave mentally and physically disabled).

But if there was a significant difference between own room with monitor on, and own room without, then that's what the advice would be. But it's not.

just an update... he went to GP's house, he slept well and there was no need for calpol or anything else.. regular updates and he seems happy enough and he will be back home later this evening. i won't be judged on how i decide to feed my baby nor will i be judged on where my baby sleeps but i do take onboard that if he's ill in the future, i need to be a bit more assertive with my work!