If my son attends an ASD school….

[Redwineandcheeseplease01]

I am probably going to need to send my son to a mainstream primary with an ASD unit (autism/ADHD). Currently struggling on a heavily reduced timetable in mainstream reception class despite having an EHCP and 1:1.
I am digesting this realisation and I just want to know, do children and young people who attend specialist ASD schools go on to live full, happy, “typical” lives? Sorry if my question is moronic, my heads absolutely all over the place at the moment.

All special school are different and they try to tailor the needs to each child. Some kids learn to communicate, some learn life skills, some learn a trade and some do A Levels. I would visit some schools and see what you think, and speak to your sons teachers. No one can predict your sons future or how he'll cope in a few years but do what makes him happy and your life as stress free as possible

My DS is autistic and adhd and I expect him to live independently one day. My neighbours dd has down syndrome and live in a independently flat with wardens. She's responsible for everything and has a job and is amazing.

No one can tell you and predict the future. It may be that his 'normal' will not be everyone else's normal and as a society we need to understand it and be more inclusive, not to try to make disabled kids and adults wit in with a 'norm'. He can lead a happy life, it may not be independent 'normal' life, but going to a mainsteam school will not guarantee it either.

It varies. My dd does not have a typical life but it is a happy one. My friend's son has managed to do some qualifications at college and is on track to go to university. He attended special school when younger. It really depends. I think what you need to consider is that failing in mainstream will not achieve a better outcome.

I have 'level 2 autism' and I believe my life would have benefitted a huge amount from a special school rather than struggling miserably in mainstream, mostly not knowing what was going on.
Don't worry. You can't predict, but imo you are doing a good thing for him.

Thankyou @FairCrow
I am so scared of making a wrong decision for him.
If anyone could tell me of their autistic/ADHD children that went on to have happy, full lives I would really appreciate it at the moment ❤️

How long is a piece of string...

ASD is a spectrum. I have 2 autistic cousins. One got a first from a top university, now works in finance and has bought himself a lovely penthouse flat. Never had a girlfriend but his career is very successful. His brother ended up in a residential home as his meltdowns were too violent and his parents couldn't cope.

Hi OP

Sending him to a specialist school means that his needs will be met better, he'll have peers who he can relate to more and staff who are vastly more experienced in SEND.

I get that you're scared, and how uncertain the future must seem right now (I've been there) but you can't predict the future.

It took my son almost 18 months to really settle into his special school, I worried I'd made the wrong decision in sending him there more than once. But he is flourishing there, he has peers who are similar to him, huge amounts of resources and staff Etc.

Kindly and gently - try not to get too wrapped up in "typical" expectations (as you said in your OP) just think about what is best for your son, and don't compare other people's experiences to your own. It just isn't helpful or healthy, for your son or you...

Wishing you all the best.

What I can say is that it’s likely that if he doesn’t go to an ASD school (or one with an ASD unit) it’s likely that the outcome will be much worse. Think school refusal, masking but then massive breakdowns at home, self harm, depression, mental health issues, bullying, being known as the naughty kid, teachers not having the knowledge to teach him. Of course it’s not guaranteed but someone staying in a school which can’t cater for their needs is an absolute recipe for disaster.

Once they are in the right place any good school will aim to help your DC become the best version of himself. Sounds like it’s too early to be sure what that looks like TBH but if he’s got a supportive family and loving home he’s in a great position. My advice would be to worry about today/ tomorrow and not the next 20 years!

Depends what you mean by "normal".

My son's physics teacher in his mainstream school went to an ASD unit. A duty manager of our local chain cafe who went to one. Personally I think if you can handle either of these jobs you have the social skills and exec function to pretty much do what you want to do in life.

My son went to a sen school and many there are highly capable and achieved GCSEs. But all schools are different so check what levels they would be offered if you still want to attempt GCSEs. Many are geared up for learning difficulties so check if they are regally suitable (my son doesn't have LD and the placement didn't work out as he felt he wasn't working at the correct level, amongst other things). Many struggle with mainstream more as you go along and it can be incredibly hard to get a sen school
Later on if they fall out of mainstream. Many fail at transition to seniors so even if you aren't thinking now do think ahead. Go with your gut. If they need that extra support and more nurturing environment to thrive then it's the best decision you could make. Good luck.

Your child has the best chance of meeting his full potential in the right setting where he can thrive.

Nobody knows what the future holds but he deserves the chance to be in the right place to be happy

It's very much a question of "how long is a piece of string" I suppose but I can honestly say having my son accepted to a SEND school was the greatest thing to happen to him. And our family actually, they have been incredible with him.

He can learn in a suitable environment and he can make friends with children who have similar abilities and everything from visuals, low lighting, the ways they teach are all adapted to children with send to reach their full potential.
I think thriving not surviving at school age is more beneficial than anything else you can give a child with send.
I also think in an environment with others who need to have basic life skills that we take for granted with typical children that is only a positive.

I doubt my son will ever live independently, he's 7 and desperate for independence already for things he's just unsafe to do.
It does crush me, knowing that at best semi independent living with support staff is what his future holds but he has very specific interests that could potentially lead to employment, if he continues to flourish.

When my wee fella went to mainstream he was barely verbal and just attacked everyone constantly, now he speaks in full sentences and is improving with things such as peer relationships, his diet including foods that aren't just beige and also working on using the toilet with now only minimal support.

I'm a huge advocate for SEND schools and I've a few pals who's DC attended primary SEN and then went to mainstream secondary school or specialist college placements.

Worrying about the future is hell on earth when your child doesn't present as you'd expect from a similarly aged more able child and you worry about everything possible. If you can try to break down what is worth worrying about and what can go in the "cross that bridge when we get there" worry pile, it apparently really does help.

Good luck both of you with your journey x

My son goes to an incredible SEN school and is thriving because his needs are being met and the staff have the correct training & understanding. We do our EHCP's every 6 months because realistically that's as far ahead as we can plan I don't think about his future too much because who knows where he will be in 12 months let alone 12 years. He is non-verbal, incontinent and 6yo BTW. I don't put limitations on what he could be and know that SEN school is the correct choice for HIM only you know what is right for your son.

My DS went to a specialist secondary school - he l passed a few HCSE including English and Maths. He has a hobby he’s excelling at. He’s only 16 but at the moneys he’s certainly living a fulfilling life and has confidence in himself.

Your child will be happiest in the right school.

One of mine was in mainstream and it nearly destroyed her, I took her out when she was 12.

The 'full and happy life' thing? You have a disabled child and i think you have to realise their future is being a disabled adult. That's not to say they can't live full and happy lives, but it does mean often that full and happy isn't the same as your vision

Outcomes for pupils in ASD Units are not great, but many of the pupils in them have significant needs. My DC copied a lot of the undesirable behaviours from other pupils in his unit. He did much better in mainstream, but this will vary from pupil to pupil.

Mainstream with an ASD unit sounds like the perfect compromise OP, it would be a no brainer to me. But check the place out and make sure it's right for your DS. I would also consider medication as soon as he is old enough because I have seen so many times it be a complete game changer for kids with ADHD. Suddenly they can concentrate and take in the lesson. I also know kids a couple of kids not diagnosed until 16 or so that are gutted they weren't diagnosed and medicated earlier as they felt they'd missed their chance to do well at school.

DS has ASD, he went to mainstream but had no friends and was very isolated all through secondary. I worried so much for him as how would he ever get through an interview and get a job if he would never speak to anyone. Anyway it turned out he loved programming, I helped him apply for degree apprenticeships and as he had ASD a couple or places gave him the interview questions in advance. This was a game changer and we practised and practised and practised answering them - and he got one! He's now there, has found his tribe and is so happy.

I personally fought for mainstream secondary because of the lack of opportunity for qualifications and extra curricular at the unit the school system wanted her to attend. She was top in the class at most subjects despite rarely actually attending said classes (she was spending most the time in the sick room of my work!) we came up with a bespoke option, a desk in essentially a cupboard at the back of the school office. It worked she got a*'s.

A lot depends on your child and whether they can self teach like my dd, and whether they are disruptive to others

It depends entirely on your child.

I have two boys with ASD, both in specialist settings.

Older is likely to live independently and work etc. He’s academically at expected levels and very able to be independent but needs a lot of support to get through the school day.

Younger is in a unit attached to a mainstream school. He is pre-verbal, still in nappies aged 6. Functions at the level of around 2.

I suspect he’ll never live independently which is heartbreaking to think about.

Try to concentrate on giving your child what they need now to do the very best they can. The right setting is transformative.

I actually think that post 16 will be much better for my autistic kids. School is so hard for them and they have both had significant periods of not being able to attend. My younger one is not likely to ever be able to go back to a formal school environment.

But once they can choose college or employment they will be so much more comfortable getting to pursue their interests. They are so dedicated to their deep interests and would be surrounded by others that like the same. I have no idea if my youngest would be able to work full time, or live independently, but I do believe he will be happier.

Thankyou all for your replies. ASD is his primary diagnosis but it’s currently his absolute zero impulse control/massive hyperactivity/zero danger awareness that is his biggest barrier to learning. Maybe ADHD meds will change that when he’s old enough to be prescribed them (he’s only 4 and a half but paediatrician has told us he has a very strong ADHD presentation and will definitely also get diagnosed with this once he’s 5).
He’s clever, he is enthusiastic in school (with activities he likes), is verbal but has a social communication disorder so conversations with peers can be challenging and (ASD) he often gets stuck in a repetitive loop of scripting out loud to himself. Very vulnerable to exploitation/thinks everyone is his friend.
I feel very, very torn ☹️

Our eldest (11) went to a small mainstream primary and is now in an ASD unit in secondary school as his educational psychologist felt he would not manage mainstream secondary. I was very worried about this but it has been the best thing for him. He loves school, there is only 8 kids in his class, they have 3 class room assistants, they’re always taking them on trips, swimming etc. The level of education is definitely lower than mainstream, but I think the workload of mainstream would be too much for him. I do think he will always need a little support but that he will be able to have a fairly normal life.

I work in a special school and the support that our students get is amazing.
I also have an ASD DC (who went to special school) currently successfully doing an apprenticeship.

It depends a lot on the child and their cognitive ability.

If they are able but struggling then they absolutely can go on to live independent successful lives.

If they have multiple other difficulties, such as severe learning difficulties, then that may hold them back from independence

What do you mean by a happy and full life, OP? Because that looks different for everyone. I suspect, and I may be wrong, that you mean a normal life. I have ADHD/ASD, late diagnosis, so yes I did live a 'normal' life and no, it was not happy. Now I'm diagnosed, I no longer aspire to a normal life. I live my life and it is very happy. Your DC will be happy living the life they're best suited to. Let go of the idea of A happy and full life, most lives can be happy and full if allowed to be. One thing that will stand in the way of that is expectations - yours, his and anyone else's. Relax, let them find their way.