Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

I think he needs to speak to a personal trainer to develop a routine which meets his goals and is less time consuming. What he is doing at the moment is very inefficient.

Let him sleep on the couch for bit. He'll settle into his new job soon and will get sick of spending every waking moment in the gym. It sounds like a phase that will pass and that its helping through a stressful time. The couch and Saturday off seems like a good solution until that happens.

I feel like he can't win. You were not happy with him waking you up so early so he offers to sleep downstairs and you are also not happy with this solution.

No, OP – dear lord, this is not reasonable of him. Four hours a day at the gym? What the what? Do you have kids?

Being in a relationship means compromise – if he won't compromise, then he can be single. That might sound drastic, but at the end of the day it's not just about the gym, it's about him being 100% inflexible and uncaring to your needs.

Bloody ridiculous amount of time to spend in the gym unless he's a professional athlete. The fact that he goes five evenings a week I would say is excessive (unless you're single and that's your social life as well) but get that for some people this is normal. Twice a day is not.

You need to give him an ultimatum either address your gym addiction or lose your wife . And however sure you are he's at the gym, I'd be double-checking on that.

Seriously??
He goes twice a day!!
He's ridiculous.

What?! A couch is not a bed. If he’s going twice every day that’s completely obsessive. A partnership should be a compromise that allows both to engage in self care. He’s selfish.

No. She can’t win. She has a selfish partner who is so focused on his own needs he doesn’t care about hers. He’s being ridiculous.

For people wondering why sleeping downstairs is a big deal.

I really enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my husband. I love cuddling to sleep and he keeps me warm. I have slept on my own before, when I had Covid, and it was lonely.
Sleeping in the same bed gives me an emotional connection.

Why would you take that away if you could just go to the gym less? I’ll accept him being out a couple of hours a day, not a problem. Why four? Why that time if it means sleeping separately?

All of that to fit into his suits? He needs to buy some new ones.

I agree that he needs to get a personal trainer to give him an effective and streamlined workout and eating plan.

Good response - I agree with this.
My DH is also obsessed with exercise, he does triathlons, at his peak obsession would easily spend around 15hours a week exercising.
It's frustrating as if they also work full time they have no time or energy for anything else, so you end up feeling resentful and carrying everything else. And if you object they may feel resentful and think you are being controlling.
Thankfully an injury slowed DH down😂
I think you need to put up firm boundaries, do not let them sleep on sofa all afternoon if they spent 4hours on a bike ride/run in the morning whilst you did childcare or household chores , get them doing the housework, cutting the grass in the afternoon so you get down time!
Do you get time together at weekends?
It maybe exercise but it's still obessesive addictive behaviour

Reading your follow-up, it sounds like this is quite a new thing? Triggered because of the new job and more focus on him.

Hopefully it'll fade away as quickly as it arrived! In my experience, early morning trips out, and late night trips, when you've already been home, quickly fade as the dark/cold months really set in.
It's all well and good in the summer months, when we've got long days of light, but in January? Nah.

OP, listen out for the justifications of "Oh, I'll skip it tonight, but I'll do a hard session in the morning." That's the first sign of it dying off!

Does he have form for being obsessive about things? Zero to gym twice a day and living on protein shakes and raw eggs is extreme (and likely not very good for him).

Or does the event at work include a (younger) woman?

Agreeing with other people that it sounds like he’s having a bit of a midlife crisis; but is clueless about how to actually get into shape. With this training schedule: he won’t.

He’s not giving his muscles time to recover and grow. He really needs to see a PT, who’ll also recommend he cuts down on his regimen and shifts to substance over frequency. Just make sure they have knowledge of working with older bodies, as some train everybody as if they’re an 18-year old. This happened to my dad in his early 50s, and he ended up getting a very bad injury and joint wear and tear that needed surgery. Now he cannot exercise at all really.

Actually, he must be tired because once we’ve sat down to watch TV he’ll snooze. Then he wakes up and goes to the gym. I’ve just reminded myself, that the time I do have to spend with him, he’s falling asleep.

He needs a better training plan or personal trainer - I know a lot of elite athletes and nobody is training that much

I think there is room for compromise here. He is at least willing to brainstorm solutions by offering to sleep on the sofa.

Other things to consider together

• You go to GP about your trouble sleeping and headaches Someone getting out of bed shouldn’t wake you so much you can’t get back to sleep. Your DH might not be the whole cause.

• DH gets a PT and sees a nutritionist so he can get better results with less time in the gym, so the morning session can be skipped

• You go to bed a bit earlier so you are just having a lie in when he gets up and don’t need the remaining hour or two of sleep.

• You go to bed together and he then moves to sofa around midnight when you’ve fallen asleep. Although sofa isn’t good long term for joint health. He should go to a spare bedroom/ another bed.

• You invest in a king bed that has two separate mattresses so there is no shift in weight or movement to wake you up when he gets up.

I don’t think so. I know the people he works with. He takes me out to coffee or for meals with them. Although he’s been promoted, his team hasn’t changed.

If he’s just trying to get into shape then he’s doing far too much and doesn’t need to be waking you up so early. He’d notice a difference even just doing 3-4 hours a week. Has he got quite an addictive personality in other areas of life?

Out of curiosity I was looking at the training times at our swim club for the teens targeting international selection. It’s around 20 hours for these kids who are serious about potentially making the olympics. Even most marathon training plans are less intense than what your husband is doing- about 10 hours a week.

I can relate regarding the broken sleep. My husband won’t go to bed before 1am and he will then spend ages getting ready for bed, turning on all the lights, splashing water in the en-suite bathroom etc which wakes me up. He then has to start work before 6 and I am expected to drive him half way as there is no public transport that way, so I drive him at 4.50am,I’m then back up before 7am. The constant broken sleep makes me feel awful and I always feel tired. 😞

I mean I don’t have a lot of sympathy for an adult who says they can’t sleep on their own. I do have a lot of sympathy for anyone whose partner spends 4 hours per day going to the gym.

Hiit would be so much better use of time for aerobic exercise than one hour of walking uphill on a treadmill. I digress though.

Anyway, the only person I know who does anything vaguely close to those hours is built like a brick s"£#house and takes stuff to 'help' build muscle.

What he's doing is not healthy in the slightest and sounds like exercise addiction. There's no real recovery in terms of a number of days off or suitable hours of sleep. What's his eating like?

I think this needs addressing as a priority. Why can't he just go in the evening or alternating morning and evening? Max one session a day. He's not an Olympian and it's not sustainable for anyone. What does he say when you suggest cutting back?

But why is you getting something you enjoy (cuddles) worth more than him going to the gym, something he enjoys but not worth being woken up early? Sorry but you sound a bit spoilt
youre asking that he gives up something he enjoys so you get two things, an undisturbed morning and company in bed but he gives something up. Just choose what's more important to you, company in bed or undisturbed mornings. You can also do whatever you choose a few times a week, compromise

That’s so much time at the gym!

Have you read that he goes twice a day?