Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

yep, and the 'if he gets up to the toilet i will only sleep when he comes back'

poor guy!

not saying the gym routine is good or not, but jesus!

I am now curious to know if the OP ever let the kids sleep in her bed or if they had to sleep alone...

I guess we’ll spend even less time together, but hey-ho Perhaps he’ll notice himself then and change his mind. Or perhaps I’ll get used to sleeping without him and when the adult kids leave for good he can take one of their rooms permanently.

You both sound like you've got unhealthy obsessions.

I think you're catastrophising. If it is as you say, he's just trying to get fitter, get in better shape then perhaps he would appreciate you showing your love for him by supporting him to get fitter.

He has tried to show you he loves you by insisting he sleeps downstairs so you can get your sleep needs met because you're really suffering at work and with your health on interrupted sleep.

If the roles were reversed how would you know that he'd want you to stay in bed rather than support you in your health journey? Maybe that's how he would show his love. You just don't know.

You're expecting him to notice something, when he could make assumptions that you're happy to support his gym habit. He's not a mind reader. Tell him you're not happy. Don't expect him to know what you're thinking or feeling. You both have a responsibility to communicate.

If you're not happy then tell him you're not happy and suggest a solution or a compromise.

Surely you can find other ways to maintain a healthy emotional connection than expecting him to sacrifice his fitness journey so he can stay in bed and cuddle you.

For the last few posters and with all due respect, I’m feeling upset and have posted to see if I’m being unreasonable.

By the very nature of feeling upset, I’m going to give certain information, and as I’m posting for myself, I’m unlikely to be giving the balanced view you think I ought to be giving. If I had a balanced perspective from the start, I wouldn’t have posted whilst upset and would instead have solved my own problem.

I’ve had lots of food for thought, some support and sympathy which I needed and a few harsher words, which I’m fine with.

I think you've had some harsh replies on here, i would feel the sane way about the constant wakings, we are all different, no-one should tell you there's something wrong with you for your sleep preferences

Helpful

I guess we’ll spend even less time together, but hey-ho Perhaps he’ll notice himself then and change his mind. Or perhaps I’ll get used to sleeping without him and when the adult kids leave for good he can take one of their rooms permanently.
I feel super sad about it all. If it was me doing this, I know he’d miss me as much as I miss him. He doesn’t now because he’s the one who’s busy.

Now you've really lost me. What's with all the needy martyr stuff going on? You're an adult with a responsible job and grown children, yet you're behaving in a really unhealthy and unhelpful passive-aggressive helpless-me way. This is something he's doing (really inefficiently and badly, I'd say) for a short period in order to achieve a certain end. There's an obvious solution to this short-term problem, and that's separate rooms but no, you're not having that, not even for another three weeks until all this madness is over because 'cuddles' and children going nuts.

I started feeling sympathetic towards you and concerned. Now I'm team Husband.

They are away at uni. They still have rooms full of personal belongings.

His routine sounds insane. And I say that as someone who goes to the gym five times a week. I don't believe any PT would recommend what he's doing.

Fair enough going to the gym to use weights but he's going twice a day(!!) to just walk on a treadmill?? Why doesn't he walk outside when he can do that anytime of day?

This is going to sound counterintuitive but I would get him some personal training sessions as a gift (or encourage him to invest in it) as they would guide him to a more healthy, sustainable routine with exercise and possibly also with eating.

Agree the issue is that it’s FOUR HOURS a day. This is insane. He can go once like other normal people - tbh id be suspicious he wasn’t actually going to the gym!
if he has to go at 4:30am, can’t he go a few days a week and on those days he sleeps on sofa. That would be a compromise. YANBU but the issue for me is the huge amount of time he is there. And every day. Are you absolutely sure he is going to the gym.. and why that long… I’m assuming it’s not work related. I would be wondering who else goes to the gym. Maybe I’m really untrusting but this sets my spidey senses off.

Read all the OP's responses and the fact that her husband has offered to sleep on the sofa. Then see if you feel quite the same way.

Even if this is true, why would it be a bad thing? I love my husband. I like to be next to him in bed.

and why are you so angry?

Your husbands habits are not healthy. Gym should be done once a day. His routine is insane and unsustainable. You need to convince him to just go in the evenings. Not for your sleep only, but for his as well.

I get what you’re saying about sleeping in same bed @RubyRedEye . I wouldn’t like separate sleeping either.

But that’s not really the issue, it’s this weird and unlikely gym story

Sharing a connection in bed: fine, healthy.

Prioritising that connection over anything else and feeling as though the sky is tumbling down at the mere thought it might not happen for a short period of time: not fine, unhealthy, restrictive, obsessive.

I've never met anyone who goes to the gym 7 days a week, twice per day! If he's truly into his fitness and strength training, he should know that muscle takes time to repair so rest days are super important!

But he's not really at the gym for both of those sessions is he? I would investigate more. If he's not having an affair, he's seriously checking out of home life with you, a strong indicator that all is not well.

I would be suspecting he is meeting somebody there.