Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Op is being accused of catastrophising but I can see that if he does have an ED he is not the same person.
An ED is very controlling and will force him to prioritise it over everything. I think this is what op is sensing..

Have you really never spent a night apart in over 20 years OP?

That must be really unusual these days, so I suppose posters need to see your issue in that context.

The facts are;

Im exhausted because I’m woken up daily at 4.30am.

My husband has offered to sleep separately.

I don’t see this as a long term solution.

I believe that he could afford to cut his hours at the gym down by half; and stick to going in the evening.

I’m not asking him not to go at all.

I’m not accusing him, or trying to be difficult.

I just want my marriage to stay as it was and for him to calm the gym down. Eating tea together would be nice too, but I didn’t want to push too much.

I don’t know what using my kids beds have to do with it. I don’t want a marriage where we have separate beds. As lovely as it is for some, that’s not for me, as silly as you think my reasons are.

It looks like in order to feel physically well I’ll have to, but that feels sad to me.

I think this is more the problem

@RubyRedEye why don’t you discuss this odd regime with him now so many people have raised it??

Also who is looking after the kids, doing housework and cooking if hubby is at the gym twice per day? It sounds like such a lonely existence OP x

OP has explained that all this kerfuffle should be over by the 24th October, when he'll shimmy into his old suit, leaner and fitter, and confidently handle a challenging event at which he'll be appearing. He's going about the whole situation inefficiently and riskily (walking on a treadmill, eating loads of raw eggs, only sleeping 5 hours a night) and as a PP pointed out, with an air of desperation. But after 24th October the worst should be over.

I'm not saying the situation OP's in wouldn't drive me to distraction (more because I'd be worried for DH's sanity and health more than anything else) but surely in a relationship that's endured for more than 20 years one partner can expect the other to support them by sleeping in separate rooms on week nights for another fortnight? But no, OP's need to cuddle overrides everything, apparently. The only thing that will fix the problem is for DH to do what OP wants. That's not an indication of a healthy relationship.

A PP's suggestion that OP buy her DH some sessions with a personal trainer is a great idea. OP, it sounds as if DH's self-esteem is low and that's why he's embarked on this crazy regime. Are you doing anything to support him so that he feels better able to cope with the challenge coming up on the 24th?

My DH started sleeping in a separate bedroom when I was pregnant because I was snoring badly and was waking up 5 times a night for the bathroom and actually then him moving, was stopping me from going back to sleep.

I hated it (we both did!) BUT it temporarily gave us both (especially him) much better sleep. Maybe accept it for now and see how it goes. He can't keep up that regime.

Im exhausted because I’m woken up daily at 4.30am.
My husband has offered to sleep separately.
I don’t see this as a long term solution.

I must have missed something. You've said he's doing this crazy regime in order to lose weight so that he'll fit into his old suits for an important event coming up? Have I got that right? So how come you're now talking about this as a long-term problem/ solution scenario? Surely once he's back in his old suit he can slow down on the exercise front?

Never. Only if one of us has been sick.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

Sorry.

The fasting will stop (hopefully) by the 24th.

The gym he intends to keep up permanently. If both settled down by the 24th I wouldn’t be as upset.

Me and my husband have a fantastic relationship but I sleep on the coach but I go back to bed for the weekend.

But several people here, including me, have explained that he can exercise better and more efficiently in a much, much shorter time with the help of a personal trainer. He appears to be spending two hours a day walking on a treadmill when 20 minutes spinning and 20 minutes rowing would be far better full-body exercise. And no one should be doing weights for two hours a day: professional body builders don't do that. If he has some professional input then if he wants to reduce the amount of time spent in the gym to an hour or 90 minutes three times a week he certainly can.

I guess the issue is whether he wants to exercise efficiently and effectively and have a lot more time at home with OP. She seems to assume ehe doesn't, for reasons which haven't been explained.

i’m sorry but 4 hours at the gym a day is abnormal. you can do a good, effective session in 30-60 mins if needed. it’s his choice but id be wondering a) if he’s okay?? and b) if he’s actually at the gym??

The way he is exercising and eating is not sustainable in the long term. He says it’s short term for whatever reason but is impacting on your health and well-being which really isn’t fair. It would drive me mad to be woken up every single day and to not be able to get back to sleep so I can sympathise.

Your DH would be better with a PT who could give him a more impactful routine and some nutrition advice so he wouldn’t need to go twice a day. I doubt it’s having much impact from what’s been said other than probably quick wins initially in the first weeks. Better diet and actually more sleep would help him more and not affect you OP.

You’re not being unreasonable.Going to the gym for 4 hours of the day is excessive Particularly if someone is working full time and in a long term relationship.When do you actually get to spend quality time with him Surely the whole point of being in a relationship you both want to spend time together, it’s not just about what one person wants.

It sounds like he's spending way too much time at the gym but you have no reason to doubt that's what he's actually doing, and it's because he's feeling insecure about an upcoming work event. Nothing you've said suggests he's cheating on you or wants to cheat on you, and by offering to sleep downstairs while the 4.30am gym habit is ongoing, he's trying to be considerate.

Can you compromise on sleeping in the same bed on Fridays and Saturdays? If he skips the gym on Saturday and Sunday mornings, he can do a longer session later.

I would support him with his confidence and accept this is a temporary thing. He can't go to the gym this often forever, but you know there is an end date in sight, and it's within a month.

If this were the other way round and a woman was feeling fat and ugly and her husband didn't want her to go to the gym in the morning even though that was the only thing that made her feel better... you know what the response would be.

Men are allowed to have feelings about their own appearances as they age, too. Make the most of the time you do have with him, make sure he knows you still find him attractive, and hopefully the gym habit will naturally ease off in time, and he'll back to bed for cuddles soon.

I think this is one of those 'for better, for worse' periods. Thankfully, it doesn't sound that long.

those posts are literally the only ones OP hasn't addressed

OP, if your husband keeps up with his current "diet" and exercise regime, the situation may be more serious than where he sleeps. Please heed the very wise advice from people encouraging DP to get a nutritionist/PT.

From everything you've said, there needs to be a compromise on both parts. At the moment, you both come across as being unreasonable.
I'm sure, after 20 years together, you'll both sort it out.