Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

[RubyRedEye]

My husband has been getting up early to go to the gym. He likes that it’s empty and he hasn’t got to wait to use any of the machines.

The problem is that he is getting up at 4.30am.

He tries to be really quiet, but inevitably he is waking me up.

I really struggle to go back to sleep and I’m working full time as a teacher. I’m exhausted. I am also getting dreadful headaches throughout the day, because I’m so tired. I can barely concentrate.

His solution is that he sleeps in the living room. So that’s it? No more sleeping in the same bed. That’s really not what I wanted from a marriage. The idea makes me feel really sad and disconnected from him.

I asked him to go at a different time, but he also goes to the gym from 8-10pm every day, so unless he goes 6-10pm, there’s no other option. He works full time too.

I feel upset that there’s no compromise. He’s all about his health, his fitness, his wellbeing. Whilst mine is going down the pan. He might be able to function on 5 hours sleep a night, but I can’t.

Who is being unreasonable.

Right, after reading your comments I'm going to say I think you're being slightly unreasonable. You don't want him to wake you up, but you don't want him to sleep downstairs. You're sort of dictating that he CANT go to the gym if the 2 options aren't suitable for you. He's already took to sleeping downstairs so as to not wake you up but now that's a problem. This isn't a "you're terrible" situation but it's slightly unfair.

You've been together ages, yeah it's a bit shit but I think you can work this out using logic and compromise. Why not suggest he sleeps in the bed with you every other night and skips gym on those days? Say how important the closeness and physical touch or presence is to you and it should hopefully resonate?

Once he's done his event, maybe he can stick to just once a day. It IS excessive but I'm not sure that in an equal relationship you can dictate whether or not he is able to go to the gym when he wants to keep himself on top form.

I'm not getting cheating from your comments at all otherwise different story, it sounds like he is genuinely at the gym.

Maybe speed along the process of setting up a home gym and then he can do his workouts at home and you won't feel so disconnected. No more early wakeups then.

If you had a multitude of issues in your marriage or young kids I'd be on your side by the way. But if this is the only problem, I think you need to suck it up a bit and let him crack on trying to sort himself out physically. It IS a good thing for him to be doing, as much as you find it annoying.

Lastly, if you don't cuddle or talk in bed, and just roll over and go to sleep, I'd think you're being even more unreasonable. Just wanting him next to you while you're not even conscious is a bit selfish. Only you know if that's true or not.

Hope it all works out for you.

Ok but can you see how this is a bit controlling?

I'm sure you don't mean for it to be, but he's not a stuffed animal comfort item, he is a person. He shouldn't have to get back in bed until you're ready to wake up just because you struggle to go back to sleep in his absence.

If you can fall asleep without him when you get in bed then you should sleep separately. It isn't fair to make someone else responsible for your needs. It sets them up to fail because they can't be responsible for your needs, when they're trying to be responsible for their own.

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like being managed by a man who's coping with the challenge of a new promotion by living on a diet of raw eggs and 5 hours sleep a night...

Spending two hours a day walking on a treadmill sounds like a very inefficient way to lose weight and firm up. Walking, even uphill, even at some speed, doesn't burn many calories. He'd get odd looks for walking for an hour at a time on the treadmill at my gym. You usually walk on it to warm up for 5-10 minutes, then transfer to a more efficient form of exercise or start running. A combination of rowing and cycling would give him a quicker, whole-body, workout. No need to spend two hours a day on weights, either. It sounds as if he would benefit greatly from a personal trainer. I bet he could accomplish everything he needs to do in one 90-minute session three or four times a week.

This is clearly only a short-term issue, OP. Buy earplugs (Boots Muffles or soft silicon earplugs are excellent, don't waste money on Loop, they're not worth it) or sleep in separate rooms until he can fit into his suits again.

Sudden thought... If you've been married all these years and have adult children, surely there's a spare room in your home? Or are you really saying that two professional adults in their 40s+ are living in a one-bed property and one of them will have to sleep on the sofa if they can't share the bed? Something about this doesn't feel right.

Setting aside whether or not a partner should have 4 hours a day to themselves, what have you tried re getting yourself back to sleep? What’s your self-soothing method?

If he’s not already getting up for a wee in the night in his 40s he probably will soon and that might wake you even earlier, so I’d be working on getting myself back to sleep techniques!

Well they’ve sort of left home. I didn’t want to be too outing. They still have bedrooms and would go nuts at the idea of beds being used.

Could you get a giant teddy bear as a replacement?

He is being totally unreasonable. Anyway, anyone doing more than two hours in a gym every day is unhealthily obsessed.

My first husband was like this in the year or two before we split up. It all became so extreme. He was quite possibly also having an affair, or gearing up for one, and possibly using steroids too although I don’t know that for certain. It was quite a relief to be rid of him in the end though (we had young DC too, so he wasn’t pulling his weight there).

I am remarried and my DH does go to the gym a few times or week, sometimes more, as it happens - but it’s “normal”, if you see what I mean? And if he is watching his weight and eating more healthily then that is still within the realms of normal too, and we can still go out for dinner and have a nice life on similar schedules.

Anything as extreme as your DH is hard work and it sounds as if he is turning away from your marriage.

I agree with @Pluvia that this gym programme sounds weird. I do a lot of gym and this is not the norm: nothing like it.

and the food regime is also weird.

he needs a good PT! but it does sound very very odd to be so obsessed with looking good at an event and using extraordinary and unhealthy means in an attempt to do so

The OP has explained the obsession.

If it continues in the same way after the event then yes he has a clear problem.

It is also not the most efficient way of maintaining weight or gaining muscle.

Have a look at Jordan syatt or Ben carpenter on social media. They advise on healthy fitness and weight management

On a more practical note, soundcore do pretty good sleep ear plugs that will play white noise/other soothing noise cancelling noise all
night long, and they block out everything.

4 hours in the gym a day is excessive and his diet sounds unhealthy. I’d recommend a personal trainer and dietician. I love sleeping next to my husband so I wouldn’t want to give this up! Perhaps he could sleep downstairs alternate days or have cuddles in bed for an hour then he goes down to the sofa until the work event is over. After that he really should compromise on the frequency of early mornings and sort out the home gym. Good luck

He sleeps on the sofa on weeknights and in bed on weekends? It will make it even more special!

He needs proper help.

This isn't a routine any decent PT would recommend. It's not healthy or sustainable and probably isn't even that effective.

If they are students then fair enough.

However if they are near the end of their course or in the forces you need to have conversations with them about what will happen next if they don't move back full-time within a year.

He sounds like he’s verging dangerously close to an obsession and disordered eating. I know he wants to look good at an event but this is a really extreme reaction to that. What’s the plan after the 24th? Is he still intending to go two a day for four hours a day?

Doing that much exercise is surely going to lead to an injury soon and with the way he’s eating and exercising he isn’t giving his body what it needs so it could actually have to opposite effect where he fucks his metabolism up or his body goes into starvation mode where it clings on to as much fat as possible. He needs to rest his body between workouts, recovery is just as important.

He should look at a personal trainer instead who would likely tell him he’s doing far too much but would get him better results.

Ignore that. My youngest has sort of left home. If he moaned that I'd lent out his bed. Id remind him who paid for it.

Man up both of you and use a spare bed

Thanks everyone. I’m going to let him crack on and see what happens after the 24th.

I guess we’ll spend even less time together, but hey-ho Perhaps he’ll notice himself then and change his mind. Or perhaps I’ll get used to sleeping without him and when the adult kids leave for good he can take one of their rooms permanently.

I feel super sad about it all. If it was me doing this, I know he’d miss me as much as I miss him. He doesn’t now because he’s the one who’s busy.

Thanks everyone for the advice. If the eating thing goes on too long, then I’ll try to get him to seek help.

You didn't seem to see the problem with a married couple sleeping separately for the foreseeable future. You said you sleep much better when your DH is away but it doesn't mean you love him any less - which is a fair comment. But unless your DH is permanently away and you always sleep alone, your experience bears no relation to the OP's.

I stopped sleeping with my DH years ago because of his horrendous snoring. It was hard at first but I soon got used to it. I could never share my bed with anyone now as I like my space way too much!

Well they’ve sort of left home. I didn’t want to be too outing. They still have bedrooms and would go nuts at the idea of beds being used.

Who cares if they go nuts? Your house, your rules. No need to tell them that Dad's slept in their bed for a few nights while he works through his exercise obsession. They need never know.

I'm beginning to lose patience with you, OP. First you omit to tell us a lot of important information, then you do the 'I can't possibly sleep without my husband there for cuddles' number and now you're saying he can't use one of the other beds in the house because the children would be annoyed. I'm beginning to feel sorry for the poor guy: it sounds as if you and the kids are all rather controlling and inflexible.

Unlikely to be the gym unless he has a very unhealthy obsession that he’s willing to ruin his marriage and marital intimacy over. Sounds like a typical affair story