Not allowed private room

[Spamfritterss]

for my birth I made it clear I wanted to pay for a private room. When giving birth 3 weeks ago I had a bit of a traumatic birth and was told I couldn’t have a private room with bed for my husband due to needing an extra eye kept on me. I was put on a noisy ward where I was placed at the end by the window the row of beds next to me all had their curtains partially closed so you couldn’t see me unless you walked down. I didn’t have someone keep an eye on me I had checks but no more than any one else. My husband and I had been awake for way over 15 hours so I sent him home as one of us had to get some sleep. The ward was full of people and partners chatting all night as well as crying babies. All I wanted was to be alone with my husband. I had no clue what I was doing couldn’t move properly and spent the whole night crying over what had just happened to me. 2 of my mum friends have just given birth and where able to have a private room. I just feel really resentful. I get they thought it was medically necessary but no one could see me and I didn’t get any extra checks

https://www.ouh.nhs.uk/privatehealthcare/services/children-women/maternity.aspx

It just depends if they happen to be free; though.

OP, YANBU !
The more stressful or difficult the delivery the greater is the need for a peaceful, quiet room with your birthing partner’s / husband’s support.

Yet invariably the opposite happens 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nghttime on a maternity ward is absolute torture. I don’t blame you for feeling upset. The system is totally rubbish.

At least RTFT before posting such nastiness

That’s awful ☹️

My husband and I had been awake for way over 15 hours so I sent him home as one of us had to get some sleep.

It sounds like ultimately you are annoyed at yourself for being a martyr. Firstly 15 hours is less than most people are awake in a normal day, secondly if someone has to be the one to get sleep why did it need to be him when you were the one who had just had surgery?
Your DH could say so he should have stayed to help you. Your time post birth wouldn’t have been nearly as difficult if your DH was helped you.
You’re focusing on the wrong thing by obsessing over the private room.

@Spamfritterss I had a similar row with doctors when dd was ill and they said they had to monitor her and yet no one came anywhere near her for over 6 hours. Ther answer was they relied on me to alert them so I would assume that they would apply the same logic to your situation. They may not have physically looked at you. But if something happened on the ward there is more chance people will see/hear you rather than hidden away in a private room.

It's crap but that is the NHS. Unfortunately if you wanted guarantees you would have had to pay for fully private services

This, entirely

You can't always get what you want. I got a private room. But I was going through the stillbirth of my beautiful daughter. Some needs are greater than others.

Very few people get their imagined perfect birth. Its unpredictable and first timers go in with completely unrealistic ideas often.

Its not a glamorous time, your hormonal and feeling sorry for yourself but unfortunately you're not anymore important or feeling different than all the other women at that moment in that maternity department going through it. The doctors prioritize based on NEED not your wishes (regardless of who flashes cash).

I have had 3 kids, in 3 different places and didn't get what I 'wanted' any time (things I was promised by the hospital in pre-planning) but years down the line it really doesn't matter.

So sorry this has happened. I was in the main ward when ds4 was in scbu. I had other people's visitors loudly speculating about whether social services had removed by baby. It was horrible and I couldn't wait to get home.

My postnatal care was awful and my poor husband was ill with shingles at home and couldn't come to the hospital.

I said to him afterwards that it was like Tenko.

I didn't have a second child - no desire at all to go back there.

Ugh this thread 😡😡

YANBU OP. I’m so sorry that you had a difficult time . The state of obstetric care in the country is almost beyond belief.

I think you have had a rough time on this thread op.
It's not a race to the bottom! Many of us have had traumatic births, for millions of different reasons.
Your feelings of not getting what you feel you needed are valid and I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you had planned.

I find it mad that you can pay for rooms. Surely they should be allocated on need.

I was given one after a long traumatic labour and then EMCS and DS being up in the NICU. I was very distressed and it made a big difference. I'd like to think they'd have booted me out if someone needed it more.
DH went home after spending some time up in NICU and literally blacked out. He'd been awake about 72 hours (I'd actually slept with the epidural in).

Postnatal care is pretty brutal and should be better tbh but if there are limited rooms they should be allocated on need.

I asked for a paid-for private room, but none were available. If you’d like the certainty of one, perhaps you should consider The Portland or The Lindo Wing at St Mary’s for your next baby.

I was really lucky to have had a private room by chance both times - first one was because my Covid test came back inconclusive and the second was because I’d had such a quick uncomplicated birth that they said I could just stay in the birthing suite as I’d be discharged in 6 hours!

However, I never requested a private room (and not that it’s my decision) but I would have given up that privacy in a heartbeat to a mum whose baby was in NICU or someone who had a still birth. Theres something to be said for being grateful you have a healthy baby next to you on the ward and I can’t imagine how horrendous that would be for women who don’t have that and have to listen to other people’s babies crying all night! They need that space so much more.

OP I think by my calculation you pretty much gave birth in the busiest week of the entire year.

The third week in September is known to consistently be the ideal 'target' week for couples to try and aim for to ensure their child is one of the eldest in the year, plus it coincidences with a conception on or around New Year.

The weeks either side of the target week are also known to be busy.

I am betting that they simply didn't have a room for you anyway. They do state that although you might be allowed to book this isn't a guarantee you will get a room if there's someone else with a greater need.

Hitting this in just the wrong week certainly isn't going to aid your chances of getting a private room.

@Allswellthatendswelll I find it mad that you can pay for rooms. Surely they should be allocated on need.

Why is it mad though? They are only available if there is no need for them, and if there is no one who medically or pastorally needs it why shouldn’t the ward make a bit of extra money?

I had a privet room when my son was extremely premature and I had sepsis i later developed psychosis and when I went on to have my daughter I asked if I could have a privet room incase my psychosis came back there was no rooms available due to tragic circumstances I understood and I didn’t even get psychosis again infact I have really fond memories of the hospital after having my daughter. It’s scary but the rooms are given on need to have basis. Seek help for post birth truma x

While they maybe couldn’t see you at all times, you were surrounded by people which is so much safer in that they obviously deemed you a higher risk. When I was in shared bay of postnatal ward, someone else had a massive haemorrhage, I hate to think if she had been on her own what could have happened,

I did hate the lack of privacy though as you say, I chose a different hospital for my second birth where all the rooms were private.

I actually think British maternity wards are regressive. When we've planned and built new hospitals in the last twenty years even they have not opted for private rooms. Private rooms are the norm in many other Western countries and I think it's appalling we still don't see the value in them as a nation and instead have a put up and shut up mentality cos it's the NHS.

So many women would actively put themselves into debt if they could guarantee a private room - that's how much women want them

Never does Mumsnet make me more mad than the bashing and bullying of new mums on these types of threads.

OP, this sounds really difficult and will likely stay with you a long time and need a lot of processing, I hope you will receive the space and kindness to do so.

Postnatal care in this country is appalling, and it sounds like there was zero justification for not allowing you to pay for the private room. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

No wonder maternity services are in the state they are in when you read the comments on here. Sending you lots of love, strength and healing with your new baby.

BlouseyBrownMalone
As if the OP thought she could just 'demand' a free nhs room and then be pissed of when she didn't get it!
@Spamfritterss
@HorsePeopleAreStablePeople
@Gogogo12345
@21ZIGGY
You people have shocking comprehension skills. The irony of you being outraged.

@BlouseyBrownMalone has said 'as if...'. They were pointing out to people who thought the OP was being entitled in demanding a fee room that she WASN'T doing this.

Why do you think the sentence started 'As if....'.

So basically, OP is unhappy that she was treated like every other new mother on the busy maternity ward...

Why would a maternity ward be different to the rest of the hospital though? Are you proposing all 200 odd beds in a hospital should be private rooms instead of wards?
Do you understand the sheer scale of infrastructure needed for that compared to ward bays and how much of a time impact that has on care?