Not allowed private room

[Spamfritterss]

for my birth I made it clear I wanted to pay for a private room. When giving birth 3 weeks ago I had a bit of a traumatic birth and was told I couldn’t have a private room with bed for my husband due to needing an extra eye kept on me. I was put on a noisy ward where I was placed at the end by the window the row of beds next to me all had their curtains partially closed so you couldn’t see me unless you walked down. I didn’t have someone keep an eye on me I had checks but no more than any one else. My husband and I had been awake for way over 15 hours so I sent him home as one of us had to get some sleep. The ward was full of people and partners chatting all night as well as crying babies. All I wanted was to be alone with my husband. I had no clue what I was doing couldn’t move properly and spent the whole night crying over what had just happened to me. 2 of my mum friends have just given birth and where able to have a private room. I just feel really resentful. I get they thought it was medically necessary but no one could see me and I didn’t get any extra checks

I would say there was a need / requirement for you to be there OP although I get you were disappointed. It's hard when you have an image in your head of how things will go and then it's turned upside down. I'm not going to explain my story but I DID get an unrequested private room because after the birth of my son, he and I showed signs of a serious illness and we were quarantined in there - not for our sake but to protect the people on the ward. No extra checks, I was actually very very isolated but nothing I could do, we weren't allowed out the room and my husband had strict visiting times plus no other visitors AT ALL. Just adding because there may be a multitude of reasons why you didn't get what you wanted. and before someone says it, it wasn't COVID just rotten luck!

And congrats OP 😊 concentrate on your little bundle!

3 kids and I was only once put in a private room. Partially because of medical problems during birth but mostly because I would've been one of the only women on the ward without their baby with them.
Mine was in the NICU and instead of putting me on a ward hearing nothing but newborns, I was placed where I couldn't hear them.
This was a decision made moments after it was decided I was having my baby that day.
My experience was NHS but maybe those private rooms were being reserved for others who had a less than ideal birth experience like me but hadn't had their baby when you saw them empty.

Some hospitals have a policy of not letting women who have had a lscs or a pph, etc in a private room for 24 hours due to needing closer observation. The hospital I work at has this as a policy. I do think it’s a bit bonkers as my SIL had a baby at a hospital with no mays on the pn ward, only single rooms. 🤷‍♀️

at my hospital the idea is if you need help and can’t press the buzzer maybe you could shout and someone else in the bay gets help. Or you collapse and someone else in the bay notices (more likely in the day I guess). Also you may not have had more formal “ checks” than anyone else but as a midwife is going to be in and out the bay she may well just be casting a glance through the curtain to see you’re ok. I know I do this and often the person is unaware they’ve been checked on, especially at night when I’m trying not to disturb them.

im sorry you had a bad time, I totally agree that pn wards are not a nice place to be.

It sounds like an understandably upsetting experience. However, unless you witnessed the labours of all the other women on that ward with you how, would you know they hadn’t had equally traumatic births and required the same amount of checks as yourself?

OP one birth I was in agony afterwards and no clue what to do, the second I needed surgery. I didn't get the peaceful births my friend got in a lovely pool, born fairly quickly but I got my babies. It's best to put it behind you.

OP, I hope you don’t mind me saying but I wonder if there’s a bit more to this? You mention having a traumatic birth. I did too, and a number of things went wrong afterwards as well as the issues that happened during the birth (not just didn’t get a room, during the birth my son was misdiagnosed as breach when he was oblique presentation, I was given medication I was allergic to and lots more, then afterwards lost medical records, incorrectly discharged, incorrect medication etc). Everyone kept telling me well don’t worry, you’ve got a baby now, focus on that! When the reality I was seething and resentful about how everything came about. It significantly impacted on my mental health and I wish I had recognised this sooner and sought support, it wasn’t until nearly a year afterwards and I realised I was still traumatised. So if you are feeling upset and resentful, don’t be worried about reaching out to see if you need some support

I think everyone giving the OP a hard time needs to chill out a bit. She has just given birth and most of us here can understand that exhausted feeling. She had hoped to have a private room that she was happy to pay for but was told she couldn't and had tk stay in a busy maternity ward room. Those places are loud and impossible to rest in.

She is full of hormones after labour and is tired so calm it down! Yes some people had worse and some people have much worse but suck it up and move on!

I hope you are able to rest and enjoy your new baby @Spamfritterss

This topic is such a tricky one because I think most mums have had a birth experience that could be described as traumatic, and the spectrum for what counts as traumatic is pretty broad. I was given a private room for free for 4 days as I’d nearly died of blood loss and couldn’t even walk until day 3. My pelvic floor was also quite literally destroyed by forceps. I think I was there for my dignity more than observation to be honest.

They didn’t even say anything to me, they just wheeled me in after my baby was born, and I later realized other mums had gone to a ward on another floor.

I’d imagine this kind of thing (unfortunately) happens a lot and it’s just a case of who needs privacy most at that time.

so sad that people's expectations are so low. or because they experienced care below any reasonable standard they think everyone else should put up and shut up. maternity care, well let's be clear, health care generally, provided by the NHS falls below an acceptable standard a lot, if not the vast majority of the time. this does not make it ok or just the way it is. anyone with this level of acceptance or complacancy is part of the problem. if you want a private room following labour and you are willing to pay for it, that is not a big ask. developing countries can do this. people in the UK kid themselves that it's better here than elsewhere. it really isn't. it's not a lot to ask for and the fact there aren't enough private rooms for everyone who wants one (and is willing to pay extra for this "luxury") is pathetic. they should be building them, but instead maternity wards are being closed. i would have given birth in a private hospital and saved the NHS thousands if i could, but it's not an option where i live - it's the NHS or home. the monopoly the NHS has is detrimental to everyone's health and it does not work well at all. home birth was not advised and not a risk I was willing to take (yes, I concede an NHS hospital was better than no hospital). Medieval - that is the only way to describe post-labour wards. One of the most traumatic and harrowing experiences i have been through. i am still unpacking what is probably PTSD nearly 5 years later because of how awful it was and really, compared to others, my experience is very tame. i can never forgive the receptionist who dismissively told me that my new born baby was not in NICU (where i'd been told by a consultant to go because that's where they said baby had been taken). i assumed he didn't make it and that's why he hadn't been admitted. oh no, receptionist just didn't bother to check until i had a breakdown right there on the spot. turned out he was in NICU after all. 5 years later still living with the feeling in that moment of believing my newborn was dead (or possibly stolen by someone masquerading as a consultant, but dead seemed more likely). i can feel the world closing in and see everything turn grey then black as i sink into the ground, feeling crushed by the weight. i will never get that out of my head and i will never be the same again. thank you NHS, can i stop clapping now?

OneRarelySeesABrazierTheseDays · Today 20:37

If you wanted a private room, you should have paid for private care from day 1
You chose NHS, but wanted the same service
Never going to happen, nor should it

Perhaps OP isn't in a position to pay for private care from day one but had the funds for a private room after the birth?

I think some people are being very hard on a new mum who just wanted to make the birth as best possible. Surely that's what everyone wants too?

I am so sorry OP for a lot of the responses you have had on this thread.

I absolutely think YANBU. It’s a shame that everyone’s expectations of post natal care are so low.

I spent some time in hospital as a young adult before I had children. I had experienced of the level of observation you get on a hospital ward and that was enough to convince me to have my babies at home. I feel far safer in my own house without my DH at my side 24-7 and dedicated midwives than I would ever feel in hospital.

If you ever contemplate another baby I would really recommend looking into a home birth.

How awful for you

The NHS treats women like shit. Private rooms are standard in many countries so the safety argument is nonsense. Fuck them though and don't let them ruin any more of your days than that already have.

If you had surgery, and lost blood, they will have needed to keep a closer eye on you.
It sounds like you’re still at the going over everything stage of mourning the birth you thought you would have. It might be worth asking for your notes and a debrief after a little time has passed. It might be revealed that there’s something in your notes that explains their rationale.

Having them explain or apologise really helps, in these cases.

My local hospital don't do private rooms you can pay for and husbands can only come to the ward 9am-7pm. I was considering moving hospitals as this is my first and I'm worried I'll be scared and alone

Most nhs hospitals don't have private rooms.

Your sister's experience was awful. Just because she had that experince, it does not mean others should have similar poor experiences. Please don't normalise this.

Oh boo-hoo

If I had my time back I'd have paid to go private for giving birth and after care if if it had put me in debt.
I only had one dc as I found tge whole experience from sraet to finish traumatic as fuck.I still feel anxious if I read threads like this now after 10.5 years

Nasty

Oh fuck off

I pointed this out. Apparently lots of people have incredibly poor comprehension skills

I’m sorry you had a traumatic experience but it seems they had your best interests at heart. If rooms were available and they didn’t offer you one it’s because they really thought it was the safest option for you.

My baby had to be rushed to NICU for surgery and I spent the first night in a big ward full of women, snoring partners and babies. It was truly the worst night of my life, so I get you, it’s difficult when you just want some peace.

@HorsePeopleAreStablePeople

BlouseyBrownMalone is deriding the OP and mocking her to make her feel stupid. It's nasty. And the fact that you can't see that makes you stupider than you are trying to make us all feel.
😂just stoooop. You are looking dimmer by the minute.

@BlouseyBrownMalone has confirmed they were supporting the OP. You just have terrible comprehension skills.

Stop digging.

You really need to stop focusing on what you wanted, what your friends got and spoiling this time with your new baby.

getting over a traumatic experience, doesn’t work that way. You can’t just get over it, or stop focusing on it. And people suggesting you can just makes it worse again.

OP - I’m really sorry you had a traumatic time and that the aftercare made it worse. These feelings are absolutely valid, even though you will probably get plenty of people, in real life too, saying blithe things such as, ‘well at least you’re both OK.’

The only thing I can recommend is being kind to yourself, and accepting that having these feelings is 100% valid. Sometimes a birth debrief can help a bit, but I think probably finding a really good counsellor when you’re ready is worthwhile.