To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

How awful. Usually when someone gives you a gift they don't expect you to pay for it later on. I think I would as pp have suggested balance transfer it from her card to your 0% interest card and just pay the minimum repayment until you go back to work. I would also tell her how hurt I was though.

I always assume it's advice given by people that have never won an argument in real life.

And it’s never really going to end well, is it?! Look, I moaned about you on a forum and everyone agrees you’re a dick!

How many months has it been since the purchases were made? Surely she’s already paid a large chunk of it off..

At most, I’d offer to pay for the cot or half the total cost but only at a time where it’s not a financial burden to you on mat leave!

So remind her of that and say you haven't budgeted for the items, you've just paid out £3K on essential repairs for the house and she can jack off. It's absolutely ridiculous to be asking you now!

Read the OP's posts again.
Only the minimum payments to cover the interest have been made.

Is she for real? Not a chance in hell I would pay her back for things she decided to buy. Dont do it op, she’s unreasonable in the extreme and a CF to boot for even mentioning it. The cheek of some people!

I would just tell her to take it back and get a refund. Then buy something you want that's in your price range. Otherwise she'll go round telling everyone how she bought this for you, but will obviously not mention that you're paying her back for it!

No way would I pay her monthly amounts and no way would I pay the interest.

I would use a 0% card (as pp's have suggested) to transfer the £1500 original purchase price as I was going to spend that anyway.

And now you know, OP - next time she wants to play the generous grandmother, you need to remind her how she messed this one up and not acccept the gift.

I wouldn't pay her. I'd offer to hand her the items back and tell her to sell them if she's struggling that much. Suspect she'll leave it at that.

I certainly wouldn't be giving her hundreds of pounds for her 'gift'!

Pay her back the original cost of the items (not the interest) even though you absolutely shouldn't have to and then cut her off. She cares more about money than her daughter and grandchild.

I would give her back the items, not give her the money.

Totally understand your stance OP. As I said it is hard because it is your mum. If you are going to pay for the items for goodness sake don't pay any of the interest. If she says anything point out you had set aside cash at that point which is now not available. Also her management of the credit card and allowing interest to escalate isn't your problem. You really shouldn't be out of pocket!

What does your dad say about this?

I would have a chat with him and tell him that you were so flabbergasted by your mum asking you for the money each month that you stupidly agreed but now that you and your husband have looked at your finances it's not something you can agree to and the items should be returned if your mother can't afford to buy them outright.

@djspaoxndn - can I ask you, genuinely, what would happen if you told her you changed your mind on paying it back?

She has effectively done the same (in reverse) to you - buying these things as gifts and then expecting you to pay for your own gift.

So, what would happen if you said that you've decided you're not going to pay her back? Can you tell us what you believe will happen here?

good Heavens. Your own mothers is scamming you, blackmailing you and what else. Why you are not NC with this woman

I’d probably pay it as a lump sum even if it was out of my savings and then it’s done. I’d then keep her at arms length. No patience for people who make promises and are then completely unreliable.

@LookItsMeAgain
She would scream, shout, cry, call me horrible, selfish, horrible names etc. If I hang up on her she will continue to call me and text and if I don't reply she would come to my house and shout outside my door. She would tell all my family I have been horrible and nasty to her (without saying why or what I had done) and emotionally blackmail me.

I have had this my whole life whenever I have said no or not done things her way. When I have tried to put boundaries in place it has caused me nothing but heartache by all the things she has said and done.

However, in between this she can be kind and funny. She isn't all bad.

I don't know if I have the energy right now to deal with it all. DH will be home from work soon so I will speak to him about it then. I have felt sick all day.

Why did you agree to pay her credit card bill. I would be pissed if DH agreed to such a large monthly expense without some kind of discussion. Why should you pay her credit card bill? If you had wanted to buy the pram and cot on credit you could have used an interest free option.

Say no and cut contact with her if you have to. What a shitty thing to do to your child and grandchild. If she complains your in laws haven't helped, tell her she hasn't either! She's done the opposite of helping, she has made things worse! Time to get angry with her OP.

What a horrible thing to do-

This really isn't normal behaviour. Just think about your DC seeing stuff like this growing up. I would push back about paying this. If she creates a fuss, put your side of the case. I'm sure most of your family will be on your side.

It might also be useful to make a fuss and embarrass her. Tell your father and DH the full story, ask why she offered to pay if she couldn't afford it, tell them that by paying her back £110 a month will stretch your resources. And tell her how angry she has made you. Then sulk!

OP you know she's not a safe person to have around your DC right?