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Original poster

To not want to pay the money back

329 replies

djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 12:31

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

OP posts:
BaconMassive · 08/10/2024 15:03

Your dad sounds like he has the backbone of an earthworm.

Hayley1256 · 08/10/2024 15:04

How much is she expecting you to pay for in total?

ThisFunHedgehog · 08/10/2024 15:04

I’m so sorry OP, this must really hurt. I’d go low contact and explain that being on mat leave means you’re watching your finances closely and you simply can’t afford to pay off her interest. Awful to say but how do you know whether she’s telling the truth and you’re paying off her credit interest for something else ? It’s a really awful thing to do.

BaconMassive · 08/10/2024 15:04

Borrow the money from your dad, then pay your mum back and owe your dad.

TortillasAndSalsa · 08/10/2024 15:05

A gift is simply that a gift. Give your mum not a penny and reduce contact with her for your own sake

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/10/2024 15:06

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2024 14:58

Honestly if the money is available I’d just give her the cost of the items back and be done with it. If you are going to engage with a monthly payment though I’d want to see the statement first because £110 a month sounds high to be “your” contribution. Total cost of both items is what £1500, baby is 6 months old so I assume she bought it at least that long ago, maybe a couple months before baby was born? So if £110 is what she wants from you I assume she is also contributing an amount towards it, if total payments were say £220 (assuming she’s asking you to pay 50% of the total payment), she should already have made at least 6 payments, probably 7/8 if she bought the items before baby was here. 8 payments at £220 = £1760. So the items would already be paid off.

I’d want to be sure that the £110 is fair, accurate, and not a result of the card actually having another £5-10k on it.

Absolutely this - how long does she want £110 a month for??

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2024 15:10

@djspaoxndn

Be damned if I'd pay for the interest when I was going to pay cash for something! If you pay her monthly you're going to end up paying much more than the original purchase price (OPP) had you bought them yourself originally. Plus you don't know what else is sitting on that card what is boosting up the monthly interest. Make monthly payments? Not on your life.

Do NOT put the balance on a cc. AND I'd also insist on seeing her cc statements. How do you know that she hasn't already paid the actual OPP in payments and that what's sitting on the card is the result of previous or subsequent purchases?

I might be willing to pay her the original purchase price just to shut her up, but I'd be sure she understood that she may no longer refer to these things as a 'gift' to anyone and that going forward I would make sure that it was known that I paid for them myself. And I'd get a signed receipt showing that the money was for 'payment in full for buggy and cot'. If she's going to play games, you can score the final run.

OctTues · 08/10/2024 15:13

Is there any chance, since this is six months after the gift & the baby shower, that your mum is using this to stir up trouble between you and your DH.
Interestingly my mum tried this, I never quite got to the bottom of it. I think there was jealousy of my youth, my newish relationship going well, resentment about how her life had turned out.
It took me awhile to click the pattern but little digs, faux disappointment, relaying stuff to other family 'heard there's trouble in paradise, those years are hard'. She would have pulled this trick, laying a trap for DH to fall into in a 'i thought it was a gift' ' he's never liked me, I covered for you'.

At least she's played her hand early, I stupidly tried to play happy families for years, I regret all the effort! And you will be a better parent than your mum, enjoy each stage, even the hard ones pass quickly.

Lavenderandbrown · 08/10/2024 15:14

Op this is a line in the sand. DO NOT PAY for the cot pram or shower. This is very important to you your DH and your DM. This is your line. She insisted she gifted and it’s done. Simply say I cannot afford to reimburse you for your gift. If she carries on tell her to come and talk with you and DH. She won’t. I don’t think 1500 is that expensive and to me the actual amount is not the issue

I wouldnt give them back. They are assembled and in use and the giving them back will make your life more difficult. The intended recipient (baby) is using and benefiting from them. She won’t sell them she will stick them in the garage or somewhere and waste them. She will
convince herself and many others you didn’t want them you terrible DD you.

she has form for this…that’s why her DH will
side with her or not be shocked or not be supportive to you. He wants an easy life with her. He’s saddled with her and can’t change her.

no more gifts. Don’t discuss gifts for any events. No hints or suggestions. She gives and you put it in closet. She has “gifted enough” for baby’s lifetime

put her in an information diet about you DH and baby. This will make it easier going forward.

teach her a lesson by simply refusing to pay her back or return items. She’s counting on you to bend to her ridiculous demands. She has balls of steel and a stomach to match if she’s ok doing this and she will do it again

she’s got a bunch of stuff on that card or other cards or hidden under her bed. People who ask for this type of money have no idea how out of order they are because they have no fiscal responsibility.

you need to put this to rest and concentrate on your health your baby and your family.

ThatsCute · 08/10/2024 15:14

I’d give them back. She can decide how she disposes of them. You cannot buy someone a gift, then set up a repayment plan for said gift.

Ginkypig · 08/10/2024 15:15

Well you are in this now and it’s too late but my advice is to never accept anything from them (and I mean them as your father is part of this too!) ever again because then She has NOTHING to hold over you ever again.

I know you think at the time it’s easier to say yes to placate her and that she is your mum so you should expect a bit of help but she doesn’t behave like a mother so remove the expectations and change your behaviour so she can’t trick you into these types of situations in the future.

none of this helps you in this situation but if I could I’d get her onto a 0% interest card and I’d give her money towards at least one of the items if you can afford it but once I’d got her on to the 0% card (not before as she will kick off and use it as a control/punishment) I’d be telling her it’s the last time she will ever put me in that position and mean it then never let her again

if you keep her in your life you must absolutely put boundaries in place and have consequences and I know it’s hard but stop thinking of her as mum you can rely on and just a human that you know but wouldn’t give anything they could manipulate you with. So think Norma down the road who you are friendly with but you know is a bit untrustworthy so you wouldn’t borrow anything or give too much personal information to or get yourself into a situation where they have any power over you rather than mum who I can trust will always be there for me.

OctTues · 08/10/2024 15:18

Lavenderandbrown · 08/10/2024 15:14

Op this is a line in the sand. DO NOT PAY for the cot pram or shower. This is very important to you your DH and your DM. This is your line. She insisted she gifted and it’s done. Simply say I cannot afford to reimburse you for your gift. If she carries on tell her to come and talk with you and DH. She won’t. I don’t think 1500 is that expensive and to me the actual amount is not the issue

I wouldnt give them back. They are assembled and in use and the giving them back will make your life more difficult. The intended recipient (baby) is using and benefiting from them. She won’t sell them she will stick them in the garage or somewhere and waste them. She will
convince herself and many others you didn’t want them you terrible DD you.

she has form for this…that’s why her DH will
side with her or not be shocked or not be supportive to you. He wants an easy life with her. He’s saddled with her and can’t change her.

no more gifts. Don’t discuss gifts for any events. No hints or suggestions. She gives and you put it in closet. She has “gifted enough” for baby’s lifetime

put her in an information diet about you DH and baby. This will make it easier going forward.

teach her a lesson by simply refusing to pay her back or return items. She’s counting on you to bend to her ridiculous demands. She has balls of steel and a stomach to match if she’s ok doing this and she will do it again

she’s got a bunch of stuff on that card or other cards or hidden under her bed. People who ask for this type of money have no idea how out of order they are because they have no fiscal responsibility.

you need to put this to rest and concentrate on your health your baby and your family.

This, absolutely. Don't take on any responsibility for her personal financial affairs. It was a gift, her finance, her business.

OnlyTheBravest · 08/10/2024 15:19

Pay her back as quickly as you can, at a rate that is reasonable and will not put you in debt and then never ever accept another gift from her again. Fool me once!

user1471538283 · 08/10/2024 15:19

Oh right playing the generous DGM on your dime! No.

I bet she hasn't paid for these things or other things because £110 a month for half for however long doesn't add up to a stroller and crib.

Offer them back to her. And never accept anything again.

caringcarer · 08/10/2024 15:21

You have a very mean Mum OP. She should have only offered to pay for what she wanted to gift the baby.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2024 15:22

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/10/2024 14:43

Ask her exactly how much of the £1500 gift she offered to give you she expects you to pay for. Inform her you can’t afford to pay for interest on it; that was her decision to incur that.

Do this. And grey rock any controlling, confrontational responses. And if she comes up with all, look up how much you spent on flowers and the thank you meal and deduct that. The whole amount as you wouldn’t have gone out at all had it not been for your mum buying you the items.

Choochoo21 · 08/10/2024 15:22

Just pay it all back asap.

This is part of her control and you want to get out of it as soon as you can.

Its shit and I would feel so angry but this is exactly what she wants.

Paying it back monthly will mean she gets to have attention for the next few months.
Try and do it in 1 lump sum and be done.

Try not to take gifts off of her in the future but I can imagine she will buy things anyway, just as part of her narc behaviour.

Ellie1015 · 08/10/2024 15:26

Dont pay the balance on credit card, likely there are other purchases on there.

I would grudgingly pay back 1500 for the gift asap and would definitely change our relationship going forward

Truegum · 08/10/2024 15:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

reesiespieces · 08/10/2024 15:32

Don't pay it back it was a gift.

Let it blow up. It's going to happen eventually anyway. That way you get it over with and you aren't out of pocket.

Acornsoup · 08/10/2024 15:33

Will she not even meet you halfway or are you expected to buy it all yourself?

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 08/10/2024 15:33

I would not pay it back if she bought it as a gift. Especially knowing she is not struggling financially

Member984815 · 08/10/2024 15:35

I wouldn't pay her back she insisted and now has changed her mind tell her when you are finished using them she can have them back to sell, the saying presents should come with ribbons not strings attached comes to mind. My grandmother used to do this , she once exchanged my uncles sofa for one she liked then asked for the money . Uncle didn't want new sofa but paid up , she did it to other uncle but he said no I didn't want that I'm not paying for something I didn't tell you to get . She didn't do it again. If you pay she will still tell people she did all that for you . Put a stop to it now

DogInATent · 08/10/2024 15:35

Olympic level performative grandmothering.

£110/month and she tells you when to stop paying? - fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You pay her the £1500 and the interest is on her, that's her lesson about spending what she hasn't got. Then you go LC and refuse all further offers of "help". You can't afford the help she wants to give, either financially or emotionally. Put yourself, DH, and DC first.

coldcallerbaiter · 08/10/2024 15:42

If all you say is exactly true. I would show her this thread. Tell her exactly what you said in op.
You could have bought a secondhand or better value pram etc yourself if you had wanted to, but she bought it and it is her purchase/gift. Do not pay it back. Tell her she is a joke of a dm and dg.