To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

I’d tell her how much this has upset you and I’d also tell her you can’t afford the £110 per month but that you could afford the items at the time. You (being on mat leave) are in a much worse position than she is and I think she’s chancing her luck and taking advantage here.

YANBU for not wanting to pay her back. It was supposed to be a gift that she insisted on buying when you were planning to buy it yourself. It’s really mean what she did and how she came about it.

I would probably pay it back and never accept any gift from her again. I would also discuss with DH (you said you haven’t) and see if it’s possible to pay the full remaining amount, if not now, as some point soon. Otherwise, it’s dragging the hurt and issue for longer.

Ask for the receipt too - she may have got a discount.
I think she was planning on ripping you off from the start.

I’d flat refuse to pay the bill and ask her what her contribution to the cost would be. If it’s £1000 I’d give her £500. If it was£500 I’d give her £1000. I would refuse to pay any interest and I would cut contact right back to birthdays and Xmas only. She sounds an absolute shite excuse for a mother

I'd really get into it with her the cheeky sod. I'd probably say "OK, the total cost was £1500, I'll pay that over the course of X amount of time. But I'm not paying a penny of the interest as I had the money to pay cash at the time. You're actually costing me more than if I had bought it myself at the time. I'm not sure why you wanted to play the big woman if you were just going to rescind the offer. Please don't offer to buy me anything again" And go NC or LC.

Sorry, sorry. Didn't see your update, OP. I was busy ranting on your behalf!

But still...no. NO, NO, NO.

I'd make paying her back as difficult as I could for her. I'd be taken the last few coins out my purse and saying 'I've only got £62.43 spare this month, Mum', and I'd be giving her crumpled notes and all my change. She was stupid to put it on a credit card, and silly to blow a fortune on a baby shower you didn't want. Make it as difficult as you can, ask to see the statements, query the APR, look horrified by all means.

No its cheeky. She insisted on buying it. Just say no you cant afford it, sorry. I agree tell your Dad, I am sure he won't approve of this, I certainly wouldn't offer to pay her credit card debt monthly. Sounds like sne has accumulated a lot of debt.

How much was the pram and & if she wants you to pay £110 a month?
That's insane.
It was HER choice to buy a Buggerboo or whatever they are nowadays.. not yours.

Your mother sounds awful and she clearly doesn't understand how gifts work!

Baby showers are soo tacky and not part of English/British culture, either. They are a naff import from USA.

Sounds like your In laws are much more sensible with money.

Ask her if she wants you to also pay her pay for the costs of raising you to adult age.

Then link her to this thread.

What's the worry about telling your DH?

Will he understand how it happened so be supportive of you?

She is using your baby as a social benefit amongst people she thinks are important. Throwing a baby shower and buying the expensive gift looks good to others but she is not paying for it. Hand her back the "gift" with a thank you but you are getting your own pram. There will be backlash from her but expect it and don't give her back any drama. You understand how she works and give her a little less contact based on her behaviour. Your child will eventually learn from you to resist this behaviour from her and others as they grow up. A very manipulative tactic to make you feel guilty

OK. I have now read your update about the cost. Please, please @djspaoxndn DO NOT pay the interest that she has accrued for the last 6 or more months. If you feel you MUST pay her something, it needs to only be towards the actual cost of the items. Otherwise she has cost you money!!!

Yes this. You had the cash, she offered.
Also unless I read it wrong, she is claiming the payments are minimum payments but on a balance of £1500?? I owe £1700 on my credit card and min payments are about £30. (Again may have read it wrong, I’m in bed with raging tonsillitis)
I would ask her as well, was it a gift, because if I pay it all back, it’s not a gift, you’ve just put something on your credit card that I didn’t need to pay interest for.

Thank you all!

DH won't be cross with me about the situation, he will be angry with my mother and may say something to her. I know she will act volatile back and throw in his face that his family didn't help and it may escalate. DH family have no interest whatsoever (not just in DH but they are just not close in any way).

I would have never wanted a baby shower. It isn't my thing at all. I even said that to her but she went ahead and did it anyway. I acted gracious at the time and thanked her but it was a total waste of money.

£1000 for a pram
£500 for a cot???!

Don’t pay back her credit card. Do you know the amount she spent? If you do I’d maybe send her half the cost in a lump sum and be done with it.

£110 a month for a cot and a pram? Are they solid gold? Sounds like she wants you to pay the whole bill for everything she's bought for herself too.

And I think you are wrong to agree to pay without talking to DH. It's not small change and if you're on maternity does that mean he'll be providing the money?

This woman is just looking for a way to control you and make you feel guilty; to get you to focus your attention on her etc.

Let it escalate. I just would say I’ve been thinking about it and I won’t pay. Please don’t offer to gift anything in the future and then ask me to pay, especially not when I’ve just dropped income. I will help you transfer the balance to a zero % card so you can pay much more of it off.
and just absent yourself from the fall off. Let her be mad and your dad can deal with that instead of you being upset and your dad saying it’s not his problem. Concentrate on your own little family.

I'd give her the things back and buy my own second hand.

@Gymnopedie I am on mat pay but DH wage is our money, not just his.
I agreed to pay as I was in shock. I haven't actually parted with any money yet.

£1000 for a pram and £500 for a cot is expensive. But I didn't ask her to pay, I had every intention of buying it myself and therefore I don't think the actual amount for the items is relevant as such.

Such a shitty thing for your mum to do.

As you were going to buy the exact pram and cot yourself you need to tell your mum that you will not be giving her any more than the £1500 it cost. The interest your mum has racked up is nothing to do with you.

And don't accept any further gifts from her. She slags off your DHs family for not buying anything but she's exactly the same if she can't actually afford to give you anything.