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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay the money back

329 replies

djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 12:31

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

OP posts:
tediber · 08/10/2024 14:28

What a bitch! She gifted it to you, how the hell can she ask u to pay for it. How embarrassing, although she doesn't seem to be!

I'd be so fuming I'd want to pay it all back right away. I understand you can't though. Whatever you do don't pay any more than the £1500. She chose to take out credit so the interest is her problem. Also I'd let her know she's put you in a bad financial position what with being on maternity pay and has cause you upset and stress. Honestly, I'm infuriated for you!

GivingitToGod · 08/10/2024 14:30

Very sorry OP, u have every right to be upset. This is your MUM!
I think u need to have an open discussion with your mum and tell her how u feel.
Never ceases to amaze me how people behave.
Take care

diddl · 08/10/2024 14:31

If the cost of the items was £1500 that's what I would pay her-as & when I could as it was more than I would have spent myself.

Tbh if I would have spent say £700 I'd be tempted to give her just that.

She has effectively spent your money for you!

No way would I pay interest.

Baneofmyexistence · 08/10/2024 14:32

I would be furious! This is exactly the sort thing my MIL would do just so she could say that she bought the cot and pushchair. If I had the money I would pay the lot back and not speak to her again!

diddl · 08/10/2024 14:33

It was HER choice to buy a Buggerboo

😂😂😂

Womblewife · 08/10/2024 14:36

I would borrow the money from anyone else and then pay her back in full. I would then tell her I don’t want to speak with her anymore as she is a disingenuous and unpleasant and these traits no longer work for you.

Cerealkiller4U · 08/10/2024 14:37

djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 12:31

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

Were you going to buy them anyway? Just out of curiosity

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 08/10/2024 14:38

I’m so sorry your mums doing this and your dad’s clearly no support either. I would be inclined to hold back and say I didn’t budget for this as you insisted on buying them as A GIFT for the baby. Please refrain from buying DC any Halloween treats, Christmas presents, Easter gifts, Birthday surprises etc in the future as I will not be paying for those either!

thepariscrimefiles · 08/10/2024 14:40

WYorkshireRose · 08/10/2024 12:52

You said you intended to buy the items yourself, so presumably you'd budged for them? Personally to avoid any bad feeling I'd just pay the amount back and never allow her to buy anything similar again.

If it's £110 per month, it probably cost much more than OP budgeted for.

Why should OP try to avoid any bad feeling? It's her mum that's done this by insisting on buying the pushchair and cot. Who makes a big deal of buying presents for your new grandchild but then insisting that you daughter actually pays for it.

Eeveesfriend · 08/10/2024 14:42

If you absolutely do have to pay her the money, could you get a long 0% balance transfer card yourself and then transfer the £1500 over to her card. Then she pays the interest she incurred and you just pay off your minimum amount, now not accruing interest at your leisure. Possibly just paying off the balance when you are back at work. Then you aren't beholden to her monthly either.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 08/10/2024 14:43

I wouldn't pay her anything at all towards these costs.

It's 6 months too late for you to buy them for yourself, and it's 6 months too late for her to decide that she wants you to pay for her weird high-interest credit card spree.

I don't understand why anyone on a supposedly decent income would go into debt to buy things if they can't afford to just buy them. And if £1500 is too much, why not buy cheaper versions, or even second-hand!? This will be a valuable (if belated) life lesson for her.

Practise how you plan to tell her "We can't afford to do that".

If I was your DH I'd be really pissed off to hear that my earnings were going to be used to prop up this kind of narcistic self-satisfied attention-seeking spending behaviour.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 08/10/2024 14:43

Ask her exactly how much of the £1500 gift she offered to give you she expects you to pay for. Inform her you can’t afford to pay for interest on it; that was her decision to incur that.

Onlyonekenobe · 08/10/2024 14:43

I would absolutely point blank refuse to pay any interest on a consumer purchase. That's a hard line.

I would then have a conversation with my mum: I told you I didn't want you to buy this stuff, I told you I didn't want a baby shower, you insisted, and now you want me to pay for all this stuff. How on earth do you think this is right? Because you're my mother I'll pay half of the purchase price, but I'm not going to pay a penny of any interest (I thought you had the money! Why did you offer to buy something on credit???). I don't want you to ever put me and DH in this position again. A gift from you clearly isn't a gift. I can't believe that I owe YOU.

lololulu · 08/10/2024 14:44

Would you have chosen cheaper ones if you were paying?

Did you choose these?

LookItsMeAgain · 08/10/2024 14:45

Good for your DH if he does have a word with your mother.
Let him. Even if his family has disowned him and he's no contact with them (not saying he is or they are but just putting it out there) it's absolutely none of your MOTHER's business what is going on on that side of the family so if they did/didn't give you anything, not even a baby gro vest or a soother) it's not her business even if she kitted out your entire baby room.

She gave these things to you AS GIFTS!!!!! GIFTS.

A GIFT.

With no strings attached...at the time.

Now she is overspending (on holidays/whatever she wants to) and she sees this as a way to recoup some money for things she DOES want to spend her money on.

Do not pay anything.

See the wood for the trees here - if you repay her while you're on maternity leave, you will end up paying more for these items that you didn't ask to get at the time. You will end up resenting her for making you have to cut corners elsewhere to pay for things. This is absolutely bonkers that you would consider paying her for things that she bought from her and your father...the grandparents...for their grandchild!

EPankhurst · 08/10/2024 14:49

I'd pay her something and I'd let her know in no uncertain terms that I'm pissed off with her about it. I'd let her know that she offered and insisted on buying these as a gift, and ask why she thinks you should pay her back for them now? I'd be asking her why her having a holiday or whatever is more important than baby having a cot, or a pram? Ask her if she thinks that she should pay you back for the chocolates, dinner and flowers, since they were thanks for a gift that is now not a gift and that she wants you to spend more on than you would have done if you'd have bought it outright yourself.

I wouldn't pay the interest. I wouldn't pay indefinitely until it was paid back. I would pay at a rate that is comfortable for me. If that's £10 a month, that's what it is. If it's less while you are on maternity pay, that's what it is, but you only pay until he purchase price is repaid, end of. You had the money to purchase it outright, you spent that money on other things because she insisted on buying it as a gift, therefore you didn't incur the interest. Keep indisputable records of what you have paid back and how much more you owe. If it suits you to pay off the balance when you have a bit more money, do that.

Tell her firmly and also in writing that she is NOT going to buy baby anything else. If she gives you things, you hand them right back and do not be shifted.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 08/10/2024 14:49

Also I bet anything that she has told everyone and anyone about how she kindly gifted her new grandchild a fabulous pram and the most beautiful cot etc.

Madd5 · 08/10/2024 14:49

I’m totally shocked by this post and don’t understand how any parent can behave in this manner. If she’s not unwell, then she has some serious issues. Lots of great advice being given here, read all of it and then decide upon a course of action that you are happy with.

Personally I would feel so angry that I would pay the money back without interest of course, but I would make it very clear how annoyed I was and would not take any excuses from her. If she refuses to acknowledge her outrageous behaviour I would be going exceptionally LC or even NC with her I’m afraid.

You sound a bit afraid of your mother, that’s completely understandable, but she is 100% in the wrong and you have every right to tell her so directly.

Beautiful3 · 08/10/2024 14:50

I'd help her find a zero percent credit card, and ask her to transfer it over. I would have to tell my husband as it's his money. I'd pay the £500 for the cot and leave the rest to your mum. I'd also mention to dad that mum can't afford these gifts? Are they okay financially?

greenday16B · 08/10/2024 14:55

Unless you have experienced parents like this, its hard.to comprehend.

Sorry.

Original poster
djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 14:58

Just to answer a few questions.
I would have bought the exact items at £1000 and £500 she purchased. She didn't buy an expensive pram/cot of her choosing, they were the models I was buying. However, I had the money and budgeted for these at the time. I know they are expensive, but they were what I wanted and what I had saved the money for.

I am going to talk to DH after work and see what he says. I am tempted to just put the balance on a 0% credit card and pay it but I don't want to. Equally, I don't want the stress and hassle which will come if I refuse to pay.

I have definitely learnt a hard lesson myself. I need to be firmer and have better boundaries.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2024 14:58

Honestly if the money is available I’d just give her the cost of the items back and be done with it. If you are going to engage with a monthly payment though I’d want to see the statement first because £110 a month sounds high to be “your” contribution. Total cost of both items is what £1500, baby is 6 months old so I assume she bought it at least that long ago, maybe a couple months before baby was born? So if £110 is what she wants from you I assume she is also contributing an amount towards it, if total payments were say £220 (assuming she’s asking you to pay 50% of the total payment), she should already have made at least 6 payments, probably 7/8 if she bought the items before baby was here. 8 payments at £220 = £1760. So the items would already be paid off.

I’d want to be sure that the £110 is fair, accurate, and not a result of the card actually having another £5-10k on it.

ChateauMargaux · 08/10/2024 14:59

My mother has done something like this more than once - I took a loan out and paid her back... I think she still thinks she paid for my first car because she has forgotten that I paid her back, almost straight away, because of the drama.

She also pulled some other weird things around the birth of my kids... I don't know how to explain it all, but it was like she was trying to sabotage motherhood for me.

Tell your husband, pay her back - the original amount only, the interest is on her.

Acornsoup · 08/10/2024 15:03

You really shouldn't have to parent your DM.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/10/2024 15:03

Don't pay towards the interest on your mum's credit card. If you are willing to pay for the pram and cot make sure that you pay no more than the cost of them. Tell your mother, very clearly, that this is the last 'gift' you will pay for and you're not covering the interest. I cannot understand why she would think this is an acceptable way to behave. If she tries to bring DH's family into this remind her that at least their lack of generosity isn't costing you money!