To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

I wouldn’t pay her back, if she offered to pay then I would have assumed it was a gift but I think actually asking you to pay now several months down the line is hurtful. Is she just pissed off because DH family haven’t bought anything?

If she was foolish enough to spend £1500 on a stroller and cot, that's her look out.

It is easy to find a lovely secondhand cot and just buy a new mattress and bumper. And strollers don't need to cost that either.

I'd say 'sorry mum, but I simply don't have the money. I've been on maternity leave for 8 months, not earning, and you said they were gifts so I hadn't budgeted for them.'

Dumping you with the debt is simply not on.

Make sure you get her birthday and christmas presents on credit card and then ask her for the payments spread over the year.

I am furious on your behalf and really disgusted too. Please do what PP said and make it clear that you will not accept any gifts from her ever again as it is too risky. Anything she buys now will be returned to her unopened and she can return it to the shop and get the money back instantly. She'll act all hurt, but she has caused this. You could have got second hand ones for far less

@djspaoxndn Tell your DH for a start so he knows that you need to budget for the cost of the items. If you can afford the £110 a month to pay it, do it that way but do not pay more than the original cost. Not a penny more. You don't owe her interest.

Make sure your dad knows this too. Tell him that you have agreed to pay £X for the pram and cot at £110 a month.

Cut her off. If that was a partner it would be financial abuse. Just because it's your mother doesn't make it any more acceptable.
What a horrible thing to do.

She sounds bonkers.

OP I agree that you should just give the stuff back and let her sell it on. Buy new stuff and you won’t be in debt to her.

That is crazy! I would not pay it back - she has probably told everyone she has paid for it, gotten the kudos and now no one is singing her praises anymore wants the money back. Has she paid anything yet? I defo would not be paying interest, that is entirely her fault? Anyway you could borrow £750, give it to her and say “look we’ll pay half” put that immediately on the credit card debt and then go low contact. Also suggest to her that she gets a 0% interest balance transfer card.

If you do pay her back, make sure you don’t go a single penny over the £1,500!! It’s her poor planning that created the interest so she should pay it.

I’d want to pay it back as quickly as possible and have no more to do with her. Send her the link to this thread and block.

Do NOT agree to pay the interest for her. I'm incredulous she doesn't just want paying back for the items, she wants the interest on top - it's not your fault she put it on a credit card!
She sounds foul. Sorry, OP.
Get your DH onside and hatch a plan together.

Good suggestion about the 0% credit card.

She has been making the minimum payment each month since she purchased, which she said has only cleared the interest and not actually paid anything from the balance.

I know the pram and cot was expensive but I was going to buy them myself. She actually insisted at the time she wanted to buy them so we used that cash for other things.

There is honestly nothing to gain by telling my dad, he really wouldn't care. He would just say it's between me and my mum.

Not to the shop, no, but there's nothing to stop OP returning them to her mother, explaining politely that she can't afford them, and it's then up to mother to sell them on or whatever she sees fit

And so what if it causes a row? Sometimes things need to be done and avoiding them just feeds people like this

Return the items to her and buy a cheaper version.
Tell her you wouldn't have bought such expensive items yourself.
Your mum's cheap.

If I were to give them back she would go mad and it would cause a huge row.

So what? She’s completely in the wrong. The more you appease her the more she’ll think it’s acceptable, soon she’ll be trying it with your daughter. Plus do you really want to play happy families after this- you’re on mat leave, she’s demanding large sums of money you can’t afford when it sounds like she’s got a decent disposable income.

Have the row- it might help her in the long term.

Any chance she has a shopping addiction or isn’t as well off as you think? If she uses credit cards at all she’s definitely not in the position you think

She sounds a right CF. You’ll probably have to suffer through her telling and ever that she bought the pram too!

Just make sure you don’t go over the original amount of £1,500! I still can’t believe her behaviour, so sorry OP 😢

If you were going to get these yourself then just pay the amount of the items - not the interest. She'll hide other purchases within it. She doesn't seem like a decent person.

I think you need to be firm with your mum. Why should you pay her credit card interest. If you can afford a contribution, you should say what you can afford as a final offer. I don't see why her finances trump yours, especially when you are on maternity leave.

So she’s not financially responsible, paying only the interest. Thats not your problem to sort.

Yeah, I would not be paying the interest for her That’s totally on her.
I would also be putting her on the spot as to which items she actually wanted to be a gift and deduct the cost of whatever that was. If the answer is nothing, I would seriously bin her. What an absolute cow.

It is narcissistic behaviour to plan things and then be upset with people not being as excited as you think they should be in response (the baby shower). It does sound like she bought the items for clout and it’s likely that even if you paid them back in full she’d still go around telling people she bought them! Something my mother does who is a classic narcissist.

If you feel you must contribute the £110 a month, as PP pointed out do not under any circumstances go over £1500.
You have no idea what else is on her credit card and you should not be paying her interest.

Given the circumstances i don't think you have any obligation to pay her back at all, i certainly wouldn't!

Not only is she being awful asking you to pay her the money back, she is being a complete CF asking you to also pay back the interest, she's the one who decided to put the purchases that she insisted on buying on a high interest CC, thats on her, not you!

I really hope you dont decide to pay her back any money, however if you do, then no way in hell should you include the interest, just pay her back the £1,500, even if you pay in a few instalments of say £200 a month and leave the interest to her, also I wouldnt accept anymore 'gifts' from her that were more than say £100 going forward

No. Just no!

She can't be all gracious and generous and then ask you to pay her back. She made that decision and how she was going to pay. Not you. You weren't consulted. You were told you would be receiving a gift, and you demonstrated your gratitude.

You don't pay for gifts.

If your DM has overspent, then tell her to send the items back for a refund. You can easily get fab second hand in great condition.

Ffs, don't tie yourself up to that ridiculous amount a month. That's outrageous. If you'd wanted to buy things on credit, then you would have worked out your affordability. Don't let ANYONE, not even your DM, tell you how much you owe for a GIFT.

You've got to tell her. It's absolutely wrong.

Show her these posts. Maybe she'll get how absolutely UR she is. Just shocking.

I’d transfer the entire cost of all of the items in one lump sum to make a point. When she asks say ‘You insisted on paying for the cot and buggy, I said no, you insisted and now I’m paying you back in installments when we were planning to buy it anyway. Just take the money back Mum, you’re making me feel dreadful about it.’

And I’d just be very wary in future.