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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay the money back

329 replies

djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 12:31

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 08/10/2024 13:24

Tbh I'd likely be so annoyed that I'd give her the items back and just buy my own.

This is exactly what I’d do. She needs to learn that this behaviour is not normal and that she should never have offered if the intention was to ask for the money back. Sounds like she wanted to grandstand over the other side of the family rather than give a genuine gift.

Give her the pram/ cot without fuss and just get your own. She can sell them and sounds like she can afford the repayments anyway. Move on but don’t accept anything from her in the future.

godmum56 · 08/10/2024 13:25

Lurkingandlearning · 08/10/2024 13:20

and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for…..

well, you knew your baby needed a push chair and a cot. I suppose you spent that part of your baby budget on something else.

Understable if your mum had never been such a completely flaky arsehole before. She’s an adult and responsible for her own finances. Tell her that had you known it was going to be a problem for her you’d never have accepted her gift. And now you know how irresponsible with money she is, you won’t be accepting any gifts of significant cost from her in future.

And please don’t depend on her for any child care needs you might have going forwards.

yup about babe needing them but there could have been other less expensive options.....buy cheaper stuff, look opn ebay or local selling sires, even freecycle.

redtrain123 · 08/10/2024 13:26

How much is the credit card bill if it’s going to take years to pay off? £110 a month for a year is over a thousand pounds, and that’s your contribution alone.

As others have said, pay for pushchair and cot and nothing more. Fix up a term that suits you, ie 12X £50 and then stop.

MadeForThis · 08/10/2024 13:28

I would refuse and then go NC.

viques · 08/10/2024 13:28

Overthebow · 08/10/2024 13:08

How much was the cot and pram if £110 a month is a contribution? That mist have been an expensive pram. Tell her no, you can't afford it now as didn't budget for it after she said she'd buy it/

Precisely this! And the baby is six months old so she has already paid back a fair whack of the original cost. I can’t believe that she will be paying £110 a month for very much longer.

if I were OP I would say you have reconsidered the offer and have decided that in order to simplify things it would be best if dear granny considers the rest of the payments as constituting upcoming Christmas presents for the baby so no credit card contributions will be made and no additional gifts are expected, or wanted.

lololulu · 08/10/2024 13:29

How much were they if the payment is £110 a month?

Weren't you going to be buying these yourself anyway?

Coconutter24 · 08/10/2024 13:30

I’d be tempted to say “no I can’t afford that on a maternity wage! I had money saved for the pram and cot but because you gifted us them I used the money for other baby items.”
If you want to pay her back just to keep the peace then the most I’d do is transfer money for the pram and cot (or half of it as she suggested go halves). I wouldn’t care what her credit card bill says I’d just do the retail price at the time because no way would I be paying her interest for her and absolutely refuse to pay anything towards the baby shower. That was a surprise you knew nothing about so that’s massively cheeky to ask you to contribute to that.

FamBae · 08/10/2024 13:31

I would not be prepared to keep paying your mums interest to the credit card company, that's crazy. I would suggest you give your mum the cost of the cot or the pram and leave it at that.

Silvers11 · 08/10/2024 13:32

@djspaoxndn First of all she is being very, very unreasonable to ask you for the money, but she is your Mum and it does sound like she isn't as well off as you think she is. Probably other debts, maybe spending on lots of things using her credit card that she can't really afford and it has caught up with her. That doesn't make it your problem.

I wouldn't be baling her out for interest and all the other things which presumably are also on the credit card and agree with others she could very well be taking more than her expenses from you in due course. In the interests of maintaining some kind of relationship with her, the maximum I would be paying her, if I paid anything at all, would be what you had originally budgeted on getting a pram and the cot. Not what she actually spent if that came to more. If you haven't got it to give to her right now, then offer her what you can afford either lump sum or an amount per month and say she will get the rest when you return to work?

Could you speak to your Dad and tell him that you are worried about your Mum's finances, since this is what she is now saying? Would that help do you think?

EatSleepSleepRepeat · 08/10/2024 13:32

Is she a little dim? Sorry, i can't think of a nicer way to put it. But perhaps rather than being a total cow, maybe she just doesn't think things through and says stupid spontaneous stuff without thinking because she wants to be The Best. The Best mum buying a pushchair, The Best Mum throwing a shower etc.

Yanbu at all to be pissed off but in your shoes I'd probably pay and learn it as a hard lesson when se offers babysitting or any other commitment, id expect her to let me down.

Lurkingandlearning · 08/10/2024 13:33

@viques makes a very good point. The cot and pushchair can be her lifelong gifts to your baby.

halava · 08/10/2024 13:34

I am constantly amazed at the brass neck of some people (mum/granny in this case) doing things like this without a hint of embarrassment at all.

I think I'd be so livid that I'd leave the items at her door and refuse to go along with her shenanigans. The nerve of her!

Anyway, I'm also amazed at how much the pram and cot cost. Are they customised and made to measure or what? How much in total, I'm so curious!

Attelina · 08/10/2024 13:34

How ridiculous. Don't pay and return the items or sell on at a loss.

I've not read the thread as it's just madness to pay for your own gift.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 08/10/2024 13:34

YANBU.

If you do end up.feeling you need to pay the money back, make sure it is only the original cost- none of the interest, using an expensive card was her choice. And deduct the cost of the thank you lunch, flowers and chocolate, because you have nothing to thank her for. Pay absolutely nothing for the baby shower.

MotherJessAndKittens · 08/10/2024 13:37

The interest is on her and definitely not you. Can you remember how much they were? I would give her the money for one item either pram or cot and suggest she cuts back on going out/holidays until the whole credit card bill is paid. Does your Dad know? It's not fair to you and DH to bail her out as you don't want it to become a habit.

Snippit · 08/10/2024 13:38

That’s awful, I would distance myself from her. My mum couldn’t save for toffee and would buy me a gift then ask for the money a few weeks later, and making me lie to my poor dad, I hated her for that! She is selfish and emotionally inept, probably neurodivergent in some way. I have limited contact with her now, she expects more from me but I just can’t, the damage is done. Like someone else has said, she made her bed!

PaintMeARiver · 08/10/2024 13:40

Don't you dare do this. You'll be setting a precedent, you'll be paying for Granny's generous birthday/Christmas presents for years to come.

It's OK if she gets upset. If you say, 'Sorry mum, you said it was a gift and we don't have the money to pay you back', that's incredibly reasonable. and if she gets upset about that, then that's her issue, and is nothing you should be trying to prevent or manage.

KimFan · 08/10/2024 13:40

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 08/10/2024 12:43

So she wanted the glory of buying the items but not to actually buy the items? Hand them back op. And buy your own stuff. No strings then. If she can't return them she can sell them on.. But not to you. Bare this grudge imo.

Absolutely this. Give it all back. What a ridiculous woman she sounds!

skyeisthelimit · 08/10/2024 13:42

She should never have offered to do any of it if she couldn't afford it. I would give it all back to her and source it yourself cheaper or second hand. My friend just sold a wholepram/pushchair/travel system for £70 in immaculate condition.

Talk to her and your dad together and make it clear that being offered a gift then being asked to pay for it, is just upsetting, and you don't want them to do it again, or to get into debt because of you.

You could also suggest that she looks at her spending, and cuts back on luxuries until she has paid her card off.

Original poster
djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 13:43

Thanks everyone, I honestly didnt know if I was unreasonable to feel so hurt by it all.

The pram was a bundle which came with everything (car seat, adapters, bag) and was just over £1000. The cot was £500.

The pram has been well used as I have used it everyday and baby has just started to sleep in the cot in our room. If I were to give them back she would go mad and it would cause a huge row. My dad honestly wouldn't care about her asking for the money back. He will always pick her over me.

She said the £110 a month payment takes into account interest and is more than the minimum amount. She isn't going to spend anything else on the credit card and will let me know when it's paid off.

I'm not relying on her for any childcare, already have nursery place for DC.

DH family didn't contribute anything to baby (and I didn't expect them to) just like I didn't expect my mum too either.

I haven't really got the money to pay it all back in one go to be honest. I have just had to pay out £3000 for some repairs to the house which has sucked up any spare cash. I also just booked a holiday (before the repairs) which I wouldn't have booked if I had of known.

Dreading telling DH too.

OP posts:
Gonegirl7 · 08/10/2024 13:44

Offer to pay half the total amount. Then you’ve both paid towards it.

loveydoveyloon · 08/10/2024 13:44

Shes not just asking for £110, she wants £110 a month?? I would get a 0% interest CC and ask her to transfer the balance and just let you pay it - but warn her not to offer to buy anything else and you will not be accepting any gifts unless its a token birthday or Christmas present.

Christening, birthday parties, etc too will also not require any contributions. Just a token gift as you need to budget going forward and can't risk any further purchases that you have not budgeted for.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 08/10/2024 13:46

Don't pay her a penny. But do give her the pushchair and cot back so she can return them for a refund. Buy your own and NEVER again accept any offers of "gifts".

edit: just saw your update. Still give them back so she can sell them. Don't get into debt because of this.

Itsbaloney · 08/10/2024 13:50

I’ve been in the same situation with my mum - over baby purchases she made. I paid it back (it was much less than you) but I wish that I hadn’t. Please don’t pay it back OP, you are allowing her to control you and also to sully what should be a lovely time in your life having a newborn. It won’t change things either way if you don’t pay it back, she’ll still cause a fuss over something else. With people like this you have set firm boundaries - your new family are more important and need the money. Don’t do it!!

shiningstar2 · 08/10/2024 13:50

Hi op. It is disappointing that you mum would do this after insisting on buying you these gifts for your coming baby. If she is a bit of a spendaholic she could have run up a lot of debt even if she is well off. You really shouldn't have to but in your place I would either offer to go halves or I would offer to buy one of the items outright.
I wouldn't commit to a monthly payment where interest would be mounting and in your shoes I wouldn't know how much she is actually paying off the credit card bill.
Interest on these items is definitely not your responsibility and I wouldn't get involved with that at all. I would offer to make one payment, either half of total gifts or for one item and I would insist on paying it direct to the credit card.
I would do this to avoid any big fall out which might spoil things for you at this special time in your life though if course it isn't at all your responsibility to do so. I'm wondering if your mum is a bit of a people pleaser type and got carried away with her spending on the day 🤔