To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

[Jimot]

There is a backstory here in that PILs moved to a two up two down cottage/terrace in a semi rural area in the COVID no stamp duty era. They previously lived in a bigger house much closer to us and liked to have people over. They are now an hour away. We tried to gently broach how their lifestyle was going to work with the house when they were planning the move but they didn't want to hear it. Since then we had DS and PILs have been resentful that we don't have them do regular childcare, and don't accept really that the logistics wouldn't work, I think they just believe I'm favouring my parents and being awkward. We see them roughly once a fortnight on average although they would say we don't bother seeing them enough.

The house is small. So is our house, so it's not about being snobby over it, but they seem to still want to host like they used to.
Recently MIL complained that she would offer to host an extended family get together but no one ever wants to drive out to see them, and DH said in the car in the way back how he wondered where they were planning on putting everyone if they did host. PIL like to have DH and I and DS plus SIL and her DH over at the same time. There aren't enough seats in the living room for the adults so someone needs to sit on the floor. DS already tends to end up banging his head on furniture when playing as there is very limited floor space. If we eat at the table in the kitchen folding chairs are needed and we all need to shuffle around with our backs against the wall. We tend to spend a weekend with them including an overnight to do Christmas together. This is already changing as when a baby DS would sleep in a double with us to stay over but now he just won't sleep in bed with us and there is no room to put a camp bed down.
Now SIL is expecting next year and I've found out I am too!
We were talking about Christmas and I said next year maybe we had better book a pub with a soft play to be able to accommodate us all, or maybe even go away somewhere after Xmas. MIL was absolutely spitting feathers, absolutely indignant that we would be having family Christmas at their house and began speaking about the extra furniture they're going to purchase. I didn't really say much else although I was thinking that this was really no solution. Maybe we will be able to bring folding highchairs next year and keep babies on laps but even so, soon enough there just literally won't be room to fit in 6 adults and 3 children. They already don't have a Christmas tree as there is no room for one.

So was I unreasonable in my assertion about pub or going away? I do feel a little guilty as I do realise they want all their family together but to me it doesn't matter what the location is. I already find it a bit uncomfortable at their house but I'm dreading next year as feel like we are going to be literally squished in thigh to thigh and I won't be able to relax trying to manage the kids not being trodden on.

I'm happy to be hit with it though if I'm just totally selfish! AIBU?

Even before I had the kids. Christmas Day was mine. No visits, no nothing. Complete self indulgence. Saw people Boxing Day etc.
Since having the kids we do the same- relaxed happy indulgence, just as a family, on Christmas Day. Boxing Day etc we visit or have people over.
It's important to protect what works for you and makes you happy.

Yanbu.
Do not commit to staying over any more.
They don't have space, one of the few down sides of trading down.
Let her spit feathers.
They moved.
They wanted to change things.
These are some of the unintended consequences which they will have to suck up.

Lunch out mid way is a good idea but with young children would not be something i would do.

Once we had children I refused to go anywhere.
We had travelled for a decade but once children arrived I was having Christmas in my home, no futher discussion.
I certainly wouldn't do it with a toddler and baby.

When we had our children, Christmas was at home. People were more than welcome to come to us but we weren’t travelling anywhere. I don’t understand why they think you must go there for Xmas? Don’t you see your family?

Your DH and SIL need to team up and be honest and direct with them: “we know we all love to be together but the fact is that none of us now have a house big enough to accommodate all of us at the same time, so our proposal is that we hire a lovely big holiday house between us and have a fabulous Christmas “

Any push back “ I know that’s the dream but the truth is that if we are all sleeping on blow up beds in the lounge no one will sleep and the kids will be grumpy. If we all want to be together with somewhere for us all to sleep and eat we need a holiday house “.

”OK, then maybe you two come to ours for the day at Christmas?”

Squeezing all in for Christmas is part of the fun I think.

I think you're doing well to see them once a fortnight, personally, now that they live that far away. It will get harder too once your DS has his own clubs and social life.
Christmas for us has for many years been here at home. We catch up with family in the days following. MIL didn't like it at first but now she's relieved she doesn't have all the pressure. We have been up there a few times when the dch were small and stayed in a B&B. Who wants that at Christmas? Better to make it afterwards.

Nope.

Make it abundantly clear now that Christmas is now about YOUR family, it will be spent at your own house, for your own children. You're starting your own traditions, with a growing family, it has to start somewhere and now is the perfect time. PIL'S just won't work for you so you're going to decline the invite this year, thank but no thanks.

Mil lives in a tiny 2 bed house with one open plan room downstairs. She still hosts boxing day for over 20 people. It is not a pleasant experience.

We have Christmas Day at home since having kids.

The reality doesn't work how grandparents would like it to. My parents have a bigger house but still not big enough for all of us and it's 10 hours from me and sister and 3 hours from my brothers. I know my mother would like a big Xmas but it's not practical when you have little ones and have to travel so far (and hide presents then bring them back). I do hope we'll manage one Xmas together for her in a few years but it'll likely only be a one-off and not until the little ones are older and sleeping and travelling better.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op!

YANBU at all. Time to ring the changes!

As you say, change was happening anyway because of the advent of dc. Being pregnant with a toddler squashed in uncomfortably is not a barrel of laughs at the best of times, and certainly not during the busy period of Christmas, and your mil should have some consideration about that.

Equally your pils had the right to downsize and they shouldn’t be criticised for it, but did they not think of the natural consequences?

Could you all contribute financially to staying in a child friendly air b and b or self catering accommodation? Or a few cottages on the same site? It’s late to start looking but that way you all contribute equally and each have your own space? And you may get lucky with availability if you don’t live in a touristy area?

Alternatively, if that is a stretch financially, why not each have your own individual Christmases at home and then meet up in a village hall, or restaurant or visitor attraction for one afternoon or evening? A zoo? A stately home?

Make some new traditions! Good luck!

I assume your sis and bro in law were previously crashing in the living room? She's not going to want to do that pregnant!

The only compromise for her house is to alternate brothers each year, so you go one year, they go the next but even that might not work with two kids.

Can you or the sis/bro in law host? Do you have the room or do you guys live close ent to not sleep over?

It’s my idea of hell!

And especially not enjoyable when pregnant with a toddler like op!

Not everyone is the same!

YANBU.
Totally acceptable for you to spend Christmas at your home with your little family. Or with your own parents.
Booking a lunch is a good idea as is going away for a long weekend either in hotel or Air bnb or something so you can all be together in comfort.
MIL is being unreasonable to expect everyone to fit in with her wishes every Christmas. But as it’d only be one night it might be worth the squish if you think you’ll have a fun time.

I think you could suck it up for a weekend once a year just to keep MIL happy (DC need to learn how to avoid hitting their heads on furniture! And to sleep where they're told).

But no way would someone dictate to me how to spend Xmas so YANBU - stick to your guns!

Except the op is already not finding it fun. And that’s without the addition of 2 extra babies next year

If they're only an hour away could you just go for a couple of hours and go home after lunch?

I think even if they had a big house it's unreasonable to expect everyone to come for Christmas every year, especially once there are grandchildren. People want to make their own Christmas!

It's baffling they made they move they did when they want to be involved in childcare and hosting family get- togethers.

Doesn't sound sustainable and I'd have the convo that @HotSource has suggested. I'd like an excuse not to go to in-laws over Christmas, but their house is massive so I can't use that one 😁

Interesting to see how many people said Christmas with parents in-laws etc stopped when they had kids, we alternate with visiting families at Christmas but in-laws are 5hrs away (more at Christmas as round M25!) and my parents are 12hrs drive or a flight. We have a 4 and 2 yo and beginning to think it's not worth it...

Problem is if we don't go, we don't see 2 SILs and our two nephews.

YANBU. Exact same situation here. We usually got to PILs 26-30th, along with BIL and SIL. We have one DC, another due in December, and BIL & SIL had one this year. In PILs new smaller house there aren't enough bedrooms to start with, and in the bedrooms that do exist there isn't enough space for multiple adults and babies.

BIL suggested they get a nearby airbnb to stay at and was met with indignation. I have just said we're not going this year. I'll be a couple of weeks postpartum and really cba with the fact there won't be enough space for everyone, or enough child-friendly space for the kiddos going, nevermind dealing with a newborn and all that entails.

So things change. Hopefully we will be in a big enough house to host soon and we will invite people, but there'll be no obligation to come and I won't feel guilty about not going to theirs now the space isn't suitable for the whole family.

Yanbu at all!

In your position I would look for a big airbnb where your family and your SIL's family can all be comfortable and have enough beds, and you can invite PIL to join you for a special meal. If they want to also invite everyone to their house for a meal they can do so but no one has to stay over in a cramped house.

Once you have a child it's time to start new traditions. Be at home with your own family and invite the PiLs to yours. They have had 20+ years of family Christmases now it's your turn.

YANBU. Nope. Once there are children, I would be having Christmas Day in my own house. Boxing Day is better for visits from or to relatives, you could alternate with your SIL to host on BD?

It's unfortunate that your PILs will be unhappy at this arrangement, but they've made it too awkward to do more than stay for an afternoon/morning now your families are growing. They have the options of staying where they are and doing visits instead, or moving to somewhere nearer with space to accommodate visitors comfortably. They don't have the right to dictate what you and your SIL do for Christmas, however furious it makes them.

I'd certainly try to come up with a compromise that everyone can accept but they wouldn't be telling me what I'm doing over Christmas, not a chance.

What does your dh think about it all and has he/would he speak to his parents about the reality of the situation as a guest? Coz it seems like your MIL is getting cross with you but not realising that everyone feels the same.

I personally am with you, and I think going forward you need to think about Christmas from your family and children's point of view, as what suited you years ago isn't going to be the same this year, next year or any year going forward. And it would be lovely to hire a house where everyone fits in comfortably and there is room to enjoy your time together.

We had to make big changes regarding Christmas Day once the kids came along and got to a certain age- my dh's family are Italian and so we were expected to visit all aunts, uncles, grandparents and great grandparents plus my dad every Christmas morning. We would start at 9am and wouldn't be done until mid afternoon. It just sucked all enjoyment out of the day. Plus with them being Italian they would ply us with ridiculous amounts of food so by the time we had our Christmas dinner we were absolutely stuffed and felt sick. It was all too much even before kids, but it was horrible once we had kids and they just wanted to spend time playing with their new toys. So we had to put our foot down and simplify the whole morning down to my dad, and then either my in-laws or mum depending on where we spent the day. There were some mutterings from his family but tough. And we ensured we saw everybody on the days leading up to Christmas. Sometimes compromise is needed and people have to accept change.

My family always gets together at CHristmas and I would never want to just stay home alone. However - I also would find staying in such a tiny crowded house unpleasant. (My IL's place is tiny, but we don't stay over night there, and there is a chair for everyone!

My inclination would be for your DH and his siblings to make it clear to your ILs that this is not working for you all. And I wouldn't hesitate to say, look, you guys chose to move far away and downsize, which is all well and good, but it means it's much harder for all of us to visit as a family, that is the choice you made.

As someone who has lived in the country for years, people thinking everyone will come visit is always a foolish belief. They won't, regularly. (Even an hour away across a city is a stretch generally.)

Looking for solutions, I might think about renting a big house for a few days for you all. Could be a good excuse to forgo gifts and all pitch in for the expense.

@Jimot I dont get the having to stay over that everyone seems to do! you are only an hour away so you can drive home after your meal and relax at home.. there and back in one day will be no bother without staying over.