To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

[Jimot]

There is a backstory here in that PILs moved to a two up two down cottage/terrace in a semi rural area in the COVID no stamp duty era. They previously lived in a bigger house much closer to us and liked to have people over. They are now an hour away. We tried to gently broach how their lifestyle was going to work with the house when they were planning the move but they didn't want to hear it. Since then we had DS and PILs have been resentful that we don't have them do regular childcare, and don't accept really that the logistics wouldn't work, I think they just believe I'm favouring my parents and being awkward. We see them roughly once a fortnight on average although they would say we don't bother seeing them enough.

The house is small. So is our house, so it's not about being snobby over it, but they seem to still want to host like they used to.
Recently MIL complained that she would offer to host an extended family get together but no one ever wants to drive out to see them, and DH said in the car in the way back how he wondered where they were planning on putting everyone if they did host. PIL like to have DH and I and DS plus SIL and her DH over at the same time. There aren't enough seats in the living room for the adults so someone needs to sit on the floor. DS already tends to end up banging his head on furniture when playing as there is very limited floor space. If we eat at the table in the kitchen folding chairs are needed and we all need to shuffle around with our backs against the wall. We tend to spend a weekend with them including an overnight to do Christmas together. This is already changing as when a baby DS would sleep in a double with us to stay over but now he just won't sleep in bed with us and there is no room to put a camp bed down.
Now SIL is expecting next year and I've found out I am too!
We were talking about Christmas and I said next year maybe we had better book a pub with a soft play to be able to accommodate us all, or maybe even go away somewhere after Xmas. MIL was absolutely spitting feathers, absolutely indignant that we would be having family Christmas at their house and began speaking about the extra furniture they're going to purchase. I didn't really say much else although I was thinking that this was really no solution. Maybe we will be able to bring folding highchairs next year and keep babies on laps but even so, soon enough there just literally won't be room to fit in 6 adults and 3 children. They already don't have a Christmas tree as there is no room for one.

So was I unreasonable in my assertion about pub or going away? I do feel a little guilty as I do realise they want all their family together but to me it doesn't matter what the location is. I already find it a bit uncomfortable at their house but I'm dreading next year as feel like we are going to be literally squished in thigh to thigh and I won't be able to relax trying to manage the kids not being trodden on.

I'm happy to be hit with it though if I'm just totally selfish! AIBU?

Everything you’ve said is reasonable OP. They’ve every right to do what makes them happy and move away but it doesn’t then mean they get to throw a strop when naturally you can’t visit as often as previous or all go over for Christmas. A place big enough for everyone sounds like a good compromise if you’re happy to do it

If they are only an hour away then surely you don't need to sleep there? Unless your DC get travel sick, I'd just go there and back on the day.

We often drive 45 mins to my sister's house for Christmas lunch, it would not occur to me to stay over!

That's great that you think that. But if THEY don't think that then their Christmas WON'T be fun, will it.

I have friends who alternate between PIL's every year. Every other year they hire a large holiday home and do Christmas or New Years en masse so there's enough space for everyone. Seems to work very well for them.

What do you WANT to do though? Seems like a perfectly good opportunity to have a family Christmas with 3.5 of you and pop over on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

An hour really isn't far. I get for childcare on a daily basis not handy but handy enough for events and meet ups. I wouldn't want to stay overnight for Christmas anyway.

The plan should be to rethink things, a formal sit down meal doesn't sound like it is going to work. At least you could do your own thing in morning and head over later in day and home again when the kids go to bed then you get the evening to yourself? But it doesn't solve the issue or no space. Buffet style on boxing day might be easier.

And if the focus really is on all being together then the compromise should be going for a meal somewhere else together or even renting somewhere bigger for a couple of nights?

We live really far from family and generally have Christmas to our self, or have friends round or once every few years travel to family. It's really quite nice.

I mean you’re not being unreasonable, there simply isn’t space but given you’re talking about Christmas 2025…14 months away, why are you giving it this much head space right now!

you can’t exactly stop them buying furniture if they want to, you’ve said your view on the matter but understand they want everyone together, just let your PIL come to the same conclusion yourself over the course of the next 14 months as the new babies arrive. They clearly regret the move (understandably) but your bringing up how impossible it will be with 6 adults & 3 kids now, months before the event probably just reads in their minds as you being difficult and finding excuses (I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, just that their defences are up and they may feel that way) so just ease off for now, maybe quietly scout out some suitable places in the meantime so you can be ready with solutions nearer the time but for now just let it be!

no. no it isn't

Thank you for allt eh comments- I will try and respond more specifically later!
I feel I should clarify that by Christmas I mean we will be there sometime between the 23rd and 27th- not always Christmas day itself. We do see them more frequently at Xmas though. We have 3 lots of plans with them in December before Christmas.

SIL's DH drives them back and forth as he is teetotal and they wouldn't cope on a air mattress.

I couldn't 'make' DS sleep anywhere he doesn't want to- he doesn't have an off switch on his back!

This sounds harsh but sometimes I do feel like they've made their bed and they can lie in it when they complain we haven't been. An hour isn't very far in some circumstances but we can't go on a weekday evening and already weekends can be spoken for- parties, seeing friends, swimming etc as well as the fact we both work occasional Saturdays and that person would need the car. Of course we also sometimes want some downtime in our own house! I actually feel like going every other weekend is ok!
DH has spoken to his sister and she is thinking of hosting at hers, which is a fairer size, she will be far further along than me and expect she will be more comfortable if the rest of us can just bring buffet food. We will just drive there and back given I won't be drinking.

PILs often sulk about what they want really, DH is much better than me actually at dealing with it. They whisper to him when I leave the room asking questions about plans and saying how much they miss them etc, never going as far as explicitly saying it but making it obvious they think I'm witholding their darling son and grandson. DH just makes some benign comment and then shrugs it off and does what he wants, whereas I struggle feeling like the wicked witch!

An hour isn't far. I do that to see my parents every week. So why do you have to stay overnight, just come back after a few hours or whatever.
I think your SIL has the right idea saying she will host and I also think your idea of staying somewhere child friendly would be a good idea for future years.
If your MIL doesn't like it she can stay home alone. I would not put up with her sulking. Your DH needs to say this is the plan, either come and join us or don't.
My parents still insist on having everyone over on the 27th. That's about 18 people, but they use the kitchen, sitting room and dining room so it doesn't feel cramped apart from when we're actually eating.
YANBU to say no.
YWBU to put up with this situation any longer.

Me too. If there’s going to be no comfortable bed and no comfortable seating, I don’t go.

All squeezing in may be fun until you’re 25 tops - after that, forget it!

It very much depends on who you are squeezing in with really, doesnt it? Squeezing in with a overtired child hwo wants their own bed sounds like hell.

Op I started hosting all holidays at age 33. I have the biggest nicest house with most cooking amenities. By nicest I mean I decorate I have adequate parking adequate space to serve food eat food and sit. I incur most of the expense but I do have some help financially and I definetly have help cooking. I insisted on staying home after my DC were born. This transpired after I literally got lost (pre cell phone and navigation) on a snowy dark night with two toddlers coming home from my uncles on Christmas. I mean rural area no one to ask and couldn’t read or see anything. My dear father supported this 100% and handled most of the comments. Having children is a watershed year. This IS your year to make the changes. PIL can come to you. They don’t have space don’t decorate maybe don’t want to cook and have no logistics (presents hi chairs baby paraphernalia) to manage. People get over stuff or they spend the holiday alone. Christmas is for children in their own home. That’s where Santa comes. And I’m going to be very happy when my DD who is 25 wants to stay home and I can pack a suitcase and book a hotel. Oh and I had/have DH but notice how I mention nothing about them? Christmas is so very often women’s work so do it the way YOU want

That's a good point. People do seem to get a bit hung up about overnighting, and its not always necessary. DH's family are a bit like this. A visit isn't a visit unless sleeping under the same roof is involved!!! Weird.

We have 3 lots of plans with them in December before Christmas.

@Jimot blimey, they really do sound demanding!!!

We are in a similar position with DM as her place just can't fit 4 other adults, 2 children and a toddler, there will be another baby next year too. We go on Boxing Day and the cramped conditions don't make it fun at all.

Would much rather a carvery/meal out and a walk somewhere but that generation are wildly stubborn. Just stick to your guns, do your own thing and set the precedent now!

This is really not going to be fun with your pregnancy and a toddler op! I think they need to come to you or go to SIL or agree to stay in a bigger house for the festive period. Things have changed drastically and PIL need to be more accommodating and flexible!

Once the dc were over the 'portable' stage I always felt it very unfair to take them away from their own home over Xmas (well, once they were 15/16 they were quite amenable to Mexico...). Father Xmas brings all these lovely presents and then - bang - you're bunged in the car to granny's and have to leave them all. Or you've slept on an airbed at Granny's and there's no room to put your new train set up anyway.
So I do think grandparents have to become flexible about Xmas arrangements.
Or someone books a holiday home near to the 'family hub' and just goes to dinner.
Or absolutely everyone books a large holiday home (or several smaller ones) and everyone hosts!
Or a couple - note, couple) - announce that from now on they'll be indoors on Xmas day, Eve/Boxing/27th/NY are up for grabs but not Xmas Day. You could always be kind and say 'visitors all welcome' but if not so inclined that's quite acceptable too.

Too much hassle

It does sound uncomfortable. Could you host? If it really means a lot to her to host, I'd either go for the day or stay in a b and b nearby.
We host my family as we have the biggest house, however we still can't accommodate 14 people, so my brother and his wife stay in a hotel round the corner. It works well.

Every other weekend is a lot, sounds like they're very demanding!

I live in a small house, 6 people plus 3 children would be pretty unbearable.
Plus it’s Christmas , paper, toys, boxes, stockings……. it’s just not going to be a great day.
Hire a large Airbnb so you can all spend Christmas together.
Or stay in a hotel tho not easy with two kids in one room.
Or Stay in their house for an hour to open presents then lunch in a pub.

I'd stay home and have your own Christmas. I'd visit on boxing day and bring buffet food.

YANBU - you don't have to do anything just to avoid a tantrum from MIL. As PP has said - it is PIL who chose to change things by moving.
However - they are only 1 hour away. Why do you have to stay over night? Can you not visit after lunch?

Really? Some GPs see their GC everyday!

I wouldn’t put up with whispering when I leave the room, OP. I would have made it clear to DH that he challenge it head on, or Id be coming back in asking them what they were saying - with a smile on my face - very pass-agg.

He needs to be telling them that every other weekend isn’t going to work going forward. We live 80 miles away from family. We used to do once a month, sometimes less.