To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

[Jimot]

There is a backstory here in that PILs moved to a two up two down cottage/terrace in a semi rural area in the COVID no stamp duty era. They previously lived in a bigger house much closer to us and liked to have people over. They are now an hour away. We tried to gently broach how their lifestyle was going to work with the house when they were planning the move but they didn't want to hear it. Since then we had DS and PILs have been resentful that we don't have them do regular childcare, and don't accept really that the logistics wouldn't work, I think they just believe I'm favouring my parents and being awkward. We see them roughly once a fortnight on average although they would say we don't bother seeing them enough.

The house is small. So is our house, so it's not about being snobby over it, but they seem to still want to host like they used to.
Recently MIL complained that she would offer to host an extended family get together but no one ever wants to drive out to see them, and DH said in the car in the way back how he wondered where they were planning on putting everyone if they did host. PIL like to have DH and I and DS plus SIL and her DH over at the same time. There aren't enough seats in the living room for the adults so someone needs to sit on the floor. DS already tends to end up banging his head on furniture when playing as there is very limited floor space. If we eat at the table in the kitchen folding chairs are needed and we all need to shuffle around with our backs against the wall. We tend to spend a weekend with them including an overnight to do Christmas together. This is already changing as when a baby DS would sleep in a double with us to stay over but now he just won't sleep in bed with us and there is no room to put a camp bed down.
Now SIL is expecting next year and I've found out I am too!
We were talking about Christmas and I said next year maybe we had better book a pub with a soft play to be able to accommodate us all, or maybe even go away somewhere after Xmas. MIL was absolutely spitting feathers, absolutely indignant that we would be having family Christmas at their house and began speaking about the extra furniture they're going to purchase. I didn't really say much else although I was thinking that this was really no solution. Maybe we will be able to bring folding highchairs next year and keep babies on laps but even so, soon enough there just literally won't be room to fit in 6 adults and 3 children. They already don't have a Christmas tree as there is no room for one.

So was I unreasonable in my assertion about pub or going away? I do feel a little guilty as I do realise they want all their family together but to me it doesn't matter what the location is. I already find it a bit uncomfortable at their house but I'm dreading next year as feel like we are going to be literally squished in thigh to thigh and I won't be able to relax trying to manage the kids not being trodden on.

I'm happy to be hit with it though if I'm just totally selfish! AIBU?

We’ve reached this with the in laws- it was just about ok when the kids were little but now there’s 4dc aged 5-9 and there’s not enough space for everyone to eat together so we eat in shifts.

We have a big house and have offered to host but everyone is so obsessed with drinking they won’t come as they’d need to drive and they won’t pay for a taxi can easily afford it.

In laws and SIL now go abroad but DH has to work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day without fail so we can’t go. It’s sad but not much we can do.

I don’t find squeezing in much fun and DS was horrified when he had to sleep on a shitty blow up mattress. We are a family who a) need their sleep b) are miserable gits after a bad nights sleep!

You need to stop paying attention.
I did.
I couldn't care less what others wanted for Christmas.
We did ALL the travelling for a decade pre children and there wasn't even a discussion the first year.
It simply wasn't happening.
My husband had endured the huge gatherings every year and absolutely hated it, and that was a crowd in a 5 bedroomed large house.
He just didn't like the long day and our first Christmas abroad was his best ever, pleasing ourselves.
We did lots of travelling to them but once kids arrived we were suiting ourselves.
My children loved putting on their pjs for tge day and playing and they look back on those days so happily.

As children grow activities like training and matches, parties etc., become a huge commitment.
Visiting every other weekend is huge.
They chose to move so that is completely on them.
Do not engage.
Leave it completely to your husband to navigate...once he is clear on YOUR position!

They have made their bed and they can lie in it. Plus who made MIL the boss of Christmas?! I wouldn’t go as it sounds like a nightmare

You’re assuming it’s not a mutual decision

We used to go round to my parents but once dd1 got to about three or four we hosted at ours as the dc didn't want to have to pick a few toys to take - which is fair enough! I'm not of of those people who goes on about Christmas being all about the kids but when they are very small it is! You do what you need to for them to have a nice day. It's actually easier hosting as dc are not as well behaved at grandparents (they brought it on themselves!). It seems a bit miserable to take dc somewhere for Christmas day with no Christmas tree as well!

@Jimot

First thing is that you and DH each need to decide what you will and won't do. Then you and DH need to find a compromise and stick to it. Then consult with SiL & BiL as to what they want to do. Then each couple announces their decision to your iLs or the 4 of you announce a joint decision. Traditions in families must evolve. If MiL wants to pout and be left behind, that's up to her.

Option 1 - Driving an hour isn't that bad, but I'm used to long distances so 2 hours round trip would be nothing, I've done that and more in the past with 2 young DC. So one suggestion would be that MiL is told that if she wants you then she'll have to serve Xmas dinner in the early-ish afternoon and that you'll come for the day but will go home that night. Dinner will still be a squeeze but that'll only be for a few hours.

Option 2 - Same as 1 except you arrive at MiLs for the day but stay in a hotel overnight then come home. You don't have to tell her you aren't driving right home.

Option 3 - You, DH, and SiL & BiL form a united front and tell MiL that Xmas dinner will be at SiL's house or at a pub/restaurant, period. You or SiL offer to host PiLs overnight if that works. If she hosts, I think SiL will be too exhausted to have overnight guests, but if she wants to have them, fine.

Option 4 - Everyone stays in their own home for Xmas and MiL deals with that.

Option 5 - MiL gets her way and she's happy, FiL is happy, but you and DH and SiL and BiL are miserable. I'd say 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few' (according to Mr Spock).

Squishing everybody in on higgledy-piggledy mid-matches chairs is a charm of many family Christmases.

If I were in your shoes I would definitely just go for the day. We did this for the first time when my two were about 2.5 and 6 months and it was great! We woke up in our own beds. We had presents and breakkie and then drove to my in- laws for the day. Had a super time but it just felt amazing to arrive home again with our kids, back in our own home.

My twopenneth is that they moved further away to smaller house.

We used to go to BILs for Xmas every other year. But it was 1.5 hours drive each way. It was a pain as an adult, but once we had DS I said no. We adopted him at 3, so he was aware of what was going on, and I thought it wouldn't be much fun for him to open presents, then have to leave everything to spend half the day in a car seat.

It didn't go down well that we changed the routine, but I have never regretted it. I always said they were welcome to come to us, but they never did, they liked Christmas their way.

So make plans that work for everyone as the family evolves.

Congratulations on your wonderful news. ❤️

Use the pregnancy/new baby as an excuse to not go over and establish Christmas at yours.

PiLs are going to have to be unhappy.

They're being totally selfish expecting you to squeeze into tiny accommodation with little ones. Be selfish right back and be comfortable. Let DH deal with them.

I imagine if MIL whispers about her as soon as OP leaves the room as described then it’s probably not that mutual…

Because a lot of people like to have a drink on Christmas Day. And even if you don’t, loading up a car with babies and toddlers, all the normal baby paraphernalia plus Christmas presents is not fun.

I do feel that when someone moves away, even only an hour, the onus is on them to facilitate time together. If they're unable to travel to you some of the time, they'll simply have to be satisfied with whatever you/DH are comfortable doing. I'd hate to have to spend two hours journeying every single weekend.

Personally, I'd try to be more flexible around Christmas, but even if it's manageable (at a squeeze) for one more year, things change, and your in-laws will have to face that fact eventually. Things will be different, but that doesn't mean they can't be perfectly enjoyable, still. I'd discuss it with DH, then leave it to him to do most of the communicating, as it's his family.

@Jimot your in-laws are somewhat delusional. When downsizing, you need to consider what is important in your life. If playing the grandparent role and hosting family gatherings was important to them, then moving an hour away to a house too small for people to sit down is just silly!

Why did they chose to do that??

My parents "downsized" from a 4 bed to a 5 bed. They moved nearer to my grandparents who needed some help and my brother, but also to a house that required less maintenance and a smaller garden, plus also a house that just the downstairs can be lived in should they ever struggle with stairs. They now have 5 grandchildren, and although it's a 4 hour drive for me, they have plenty of space to stay.

Your in-laws should perhaps reconsider their choice to move, and move back to a house that has more entertaining space.

Could you hire an AirBnB for Christmas? Stay 3 nights and all cook a meal each?

I do feel that when someone moves away, even only an hour, the onus is on them to facilitate time together.

Would you say that if it was the son and DIL who moved away?

If your start off with a three bed semi or detached (like most people) downsizing is never going to give you much entertaining space.

@toomuchfaff

in-laws are family though?

Not read the full thread, sorry! Once my DD had children I accepted that Christmas would be at her house, much nicer for the children when they were small, could open their presents, play with them and they wouldn't have to be dragged out to a relatives house while they were enjoying themselves.

We go to my PILs every Christmas. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest because a) they help out a lot with our DC so it would feel crappy to deny them seeing their GC at Christmas b) it saves me the effort of having to cook Xmas dinner and c) my own parents are dead so I want my DC to have these memories with their surviving grandparents. That said, we aren’t all squeezed in like sardines at their house! Hopefully once we’ve moved to a bigger place we’ll be able to host Christmas at home and they can come to us but for now, we have Christmas morning at home, open some pressies, hop in the car, drive 25 mins or so and spend the rest of the day with them.

Not necessarily. The OP said they lived in a bigger house, hence I asked why they moved an hour away and to somewhere much smaller if family and entertaining were so important to them.

Lots of houses have small bedrooms but a much bigger living area.

My in-laws also downsized but bought somewhere that had a more manageable garden, fewer bedrooms but sufficient downstairs entertainment space. They even went as far as knock out a wall to make sure a large dining table would fit!!

This. Your family is your family. You, DH and DS. Don’t need to justify or feel bad. Maybe they need to upscale BUT I would still want Xmas day at home- my home.

Stay at home. Invite your parents and in-laws on alternate years for Christmas day/overnight, with the odd year having nobody over at all!
They need to accept that it just doesn't work anymore. My MIL used to have her children and other halves over on Boxing Day, which was a squeeze to begin with, but once babies and children were in the picture, it stopped.

Stay at home on Christmas Day and have a lovely day with your husband and children. Invite the PIL if you like, but on your terms. Mine are welcome but I'm having fun with the children on Christmas Day not spending the day cooking!

When our kids came along, we stayed put. If anyone wanted to pop in and see us they could but briefly. I sound selfish but I work in a school so it’s literally finish work and Christmas is on you and it’s full on. I like time to myself and my own family as it is a horrendously busy time as it is without accommodating every man and their dog. We hosted one year reluctantly as we’d bought a bigger house. Haven’t done it since but my MIL always wants to come for dinner and hints away. BIL finally stepped up and took her in. She’s a bloody pest all day and drains me. My time off so I choose how I spend it.

At the end of the day, they weren't thinking about their children and grandchildren when they moved away to a smaller house an hour away. They made the decision, they can live with it. You tell them you won't be going down and staying at Christmas all packed in like sardines. You want to enjoy it, have enough space to move around freely without worrying about the logistics of it all. They will have to make the effort to travel to yours or their daughters and have Christmas there. Plus, I think it's nice for children to be in their own home on Christmas day so they can play with all their toys and relax. Your MIL is being very selfish wanting things her own way.!

I live in a terrace with an annexe kitchen/bathroom. I stopped hosting my DB and his family when the kids got to a certain age because I realised that four adults and three teenage boys was not going to work in the space. It really is difficult to seat four adults and kids - your PIL seems to want an extra two adults! I have an extendable dining table you can just about squeeze seven around if some are kids but you certainly wouldn't want more than six adults around it. Extra furniture will not provide extra space! (We have extra foldaway chairs in the loft!)