To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

[Jimot]

There is a backstory here in that PILs moved to a two up two down cottage/terrace in a semi rural area in the COVID no stamp duty era. They previously lived in a bigger house much closer to us and liked to have people over. They are now an hour away. We tried to gently broach how their lifestyle was going to work with the house when they were planning the move but they didn't want to hear it. Since then we had DS and PILs have been resentful that we don't have them do regular childcare, and don't accept really that the logistics wouldn't work, I think they just believe I'm favouring my parents and being awkward. We see them roughly once a fortnight on average although they would say we don't bother seeing them enough.

The house is small. So is our house, so it's not about being snobby over it, but they seem to still want to host like they used to.
Recently MIL complained that she would offer to host an extended family get together but no one ever wants to drive out to see them, and DH said in the car in the way back how he wondered where they were planning on putting everyone if they did host. PIL like to have DH and I and DS plus SIL and her DH over at the same time. There aren't enough seats in the living room for the adults so someone needs to sit on the floor. DS already tends to end up banging his head on furniture when playing as there is very limited floor space. If we eat at the table in the kitchen folding chairs are needed and we all need to shuffle around with our backs against the wall. We tend to spend a weekend with them including an overnight to do Christmas together. This is already changing as when a baby DS would sleep in a double with us to stay over but now he just won't sleep in bed with us and there is no room to put a camp bed down.
Now SIL is expecting next year and I've found out I am too!
We were talking about Christmas and I said next year maybe we had better book a pub with a soft play to be able to accommodate us all, or maybe even go away somewhere after Xmas. MIL was absolutely spitting feathers, absolutely indignant that we would be having family Christmas at their house and began speaking about the extra furniture they're going to purchase. I didn't really say much else although I was thinking that this was really no solution. Maybe we will be able to bring folding highchairs next year and keep babies on laps but even so, soon enough there just literally won't be room to fit in 6 adults and 3 children. They already don't have a Christmas tree as there is no room for one.

So was I unreasonable in my assertion about pub or going away? I do feel a little guilty as I do realise they want all their family together but to me it doesn't matter what the location is. I already find it a bit uncomfortable at their house but I'm dreading next year as feel like we are going to be literally squished in thigh to thigh and I won't be able to relax trying to manage the kids not being trodden on.

I'm happy to be hit with it though if I'm just totally selfish! AIBU?

It’s lovely to include grandparents at Christmas time.
But once you have your own children it has to be your decision about what is happening, according to the needs of the children, and both sets of parents, have to be gracious enough to accept this. It doesn’t stop them issuing their own invitation for you to go to theirs at some stage over Christmas but I don’t see any need to stay the night at all if they are only an hour away.

Discuss with your DH what you want to do and then he should take the lead in letting them know. It wont be upsetting as long as he does it nicely and is inclusive and is firm in his reasoning.

Hi op,

Can they afford to rent a RBNB somewhere for all? Start a new trad where MIL would still host but there is actually room for everyone?

You can put your feet up…though with DS probably not and enjoy family?

Good luck 🌺

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I imagine the defensiveness and determination of PIL wanting to host in their new home is a reflection of their realisation that it is too small for a growing extended family and too far away for regular visits.

I wouldn’t want to spoil my Christmas being cramped and uncomfortable.

My parents live hours and hours from us in a house way too small to accommodate all their kids and grandkids. When we do all visit half of us sit on the floor, I’ve told them outright we can’t ’Christmas’ there as there’s not enough room but they can’t come to us as they can’t bring nor will they leave their dogs.

I think this is one for your DH to tackle kindly with them. Bit of a ‘not my monkeys, not my circus’ situation.

Are your parents no longer around?

Just tell MIL you are spending Christmas at home every year from now on. So what if she gets upset?

See them for lunch a couple of days before/after.

My grandparents owned a small hotel (10 bedrooms) and, as the hotel wasn’t open in the winter, they always hosted a big family Christmas party every year. Relatives all stayed for two or three nights as there was plenty of space. When they retired and sold the hotel, they moved to a traditional two up, two down cottage in the countryside. They continued to host Christmases on a slightly smaller scale for a few more years. The adults (3 couples) used the bedrooms and lounge and the five grandchildren slept in the dining room on blow-up mattresses. It was great fun but eventually we children all got too big to cram in together, so my aunt and uncle, who had a bigger house, just had most of us over for the day.
As retirees ourselves now, we have hosted Christmas on a daytime basis until two years ago, when our adult children put their collective feet down and told us that had we done quite enough cooking for groups of 12-15 people and that, in future, we would be their guests. Although disappointed at the time, I can now see that they were right!

If it's only an hour drive there's no need for sleeping over, someone can just host a meal.

If you really wanted to spend Christmas with them then you would make it work.

You don't. So you are using the 'well you downsized' as a reason not to go. Same with visiting- now too far. Would you have found fault if they lived in a much larger property close to you? Is it really just the property they chose?

Absolutely not.
Offer to have them over on boxing day after you've had your family Christmas.

Don't ever suffer to make someone else happy when there are better saner options.
Lots of people into a tiny house is unpleasant for everyone.

This I am against dragging kids around in uncomfortable situations for people who have had their years of Christmas. This year is a perfect time to put an end to it

Exactly!!

We went to my mum and dads for years. She has a huge house but she’d invite loads of random people like my brothers housemates at uni and the couple that live next door etc. it got chaotic, dinner never ready until 6/7pm. We would get up early, pack the kids and all the presents into the car and never get home until around 10pm with tired grumpy children and then have to get them all ready for bed and unpack everything. When the kids were 4,5 and 11 we decided to start staying home, mum and dad would pop over Boxing Day and we’d see other family as and when. That first Christmas was blissful! The kids could open their presents at leisure and not get dressed if the didn’t want to. Much more relaxing. Of course my mum especially was upset but our eldest is severely autistic and when I had my third I had him and two babies just a year apart. It just got too much. Christmas is a whole period of time, not just one day.

I think kids age 3+ (with much older ones!) all lined up on campbeds in the attic is fun, but adults are tired mid-Dec and need a proper sleep - they may only have a long weekend off (or less). o
Not enough space to move around the house during the day will very quickly lead to frayed tempers as well. Especially if it's raining so the DC can't whizz round the garden as easily - togging up/down in a tiny house AAAARGH

They are but as they do regular childcare and see DS often PILs get prioritised at weekends and holidays as they are the ones 'missing out'.

I actually think that's pretty unfair, I'm proposing other options which do include them.

If they had stayed in their previous property they'd be doing regular childcare as I'd be able to drop off DS in the morning.
As much as they might swear they would, there is no way that they would get up at 6am and drive over to ours to watch DC and enable us both to leave for work. They struggle to make 9.30am plans, no moral judgement, but it's not feasible!
We would be able to just do a call in as we used to on the way back from somewhere as it would be on our regular route, rather than a conscious effort to drive out of the way to somewhere we would have otherwise not chosen to go.

I’m afraid a number of young people will just see this as continuing to hog the experiences, as well as the resources Ie large family home, which are sadly out of reach for so many nowadays given the shortage of family homes. Why not give up the mantle of hosting Christmas to younger relatives and allow them to have the experiences you have had? All well and good if all the relatives are happy with the arrangement, but some might want to have Christmas in their own homes and host you?

It seems unfair that your parents never get to have Christmas with you…

My parents alternated hosting Christmas with their parents and in-laws and that worked really well. We continue this tradition on the years that we see my family. My husband’s family on the other hand follow the tradition that Christmas must be hosted at great grandma’s house (other people cook) without fail every.single.year. as that is how she likes it. Some people grumble behind the scenes as there isn’t room for everyone to sit and frankly, in my view, it’s just boring to do the same thing every year for decades… it leads to the same conversations led by the host about people long dead whom only those in their 80s ever knew….

Did you read the part where there's physically no space to fit them all in at the new house? No room for a Christmas tree and not enough chairs. She's suggested a pub meal or all going away together, so yes - it appears to be just the tiny house they live in ffs.

She also said they made their own bed....

But as OP has pointed out, she has made other suggestions. It is only an hour away. They don't have to stay. They could all get a house somewhere else instead etc

Your parents do the hard work and don’t get the fun times as a consequence? Are they happy about that?

Wow! I really hope your parents don’t just do childcare for you but never get any downtime or social time with you all as that would be grossly unfair. Who has made the decision that PiLs get prioritised at weekends and holidays?

Completely agree with you that a squashed, overcrowded Christmas in a tiny house would be miserable going forward though.

Space issue aside, christmas with the inlaws is grim af

I did it two or three times and it was just awful.

'Hog the experiences?' Seriously

Reading between the lines OP I am wondering if it is your PIL who are of the opinion that they are missing out by not being able to do regular childcare and either throw a strop or passive aggressive comments your way if it is suggested you see your parents at weekends/christmas? If so then that’s unfair on you and your parents. It is your PIL’s choice to have moved away, they can’t have their cake and eat it, it would be much fairer if you alternate and don’t feel pressured by your in laws to always do weekends or Christmas with them. Not saying don’t do any but I’m sure you’d like to see your DC and parents together rather than your parents having DC for childcare and you never getting to spend any quality time with them? Might be way off the mark but they sound a bit like my PIL so took a shot at what might be going on

OP fwiw I don't think you're being at all unfair. If people choose to move and/or downsize they should accept that life won't go on as before with everyone else changing their schedules to suit them.

You've offered alternatives that include them. If they don't want those that's their choice but you don't have to run yourself ragged to please them.