Things DP said to me while on holiday

[noodlewoo]

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

What outcome do you want from your conversation tonight?

You tell him how you feel
He tells you you're wrong and should be grateful.

See the problem?

Op he's never going to change. You might as well talk to a wall. There's nothing wrong with you. He'll be like this as long as you accept it, until he can find some other sucker.

Or you can choose to respect yourself and get rid of him.

I'm really sorry OP, but this set my spidey senses tingling.
This is the first line of "the script" and he's potentially comparing you to someone who may become the OW (if she hasn't already).

Please don't be passive about this. He is beating your confidence down, making you feel "less" and he had no right to say the things he's saying.

Flat out ask him why he is being this way, but be prepared for a showdown.

Why are you still with this twat?

Believe me it won't get better, I know from experience. Quite honestly I would leave now whilst you're young. Don't be me and leave it until you are nearly 50 - not that there's anything wrong with that, but if I had been honest with myself and hadn't kept thinking of sunken costs, I could have left at least a decade earlier. In fact, I could have left before having children while I was still in my 20s.

My ex used to say things like - it must be difficult for you, being fat and being married to someone who isn't, people must think it's so odd. Like he was doing me a huge favour being with me (no mention of me being the main earner or driving him around for a year when he lost his licence for drink driving - or other similar stuff).

Whatever you do it will never be enough and it will affect your children. Mine have not had any long-term relationships and are now in their late 30s, so although I thought I was protecting them by staying, in fact I was doing the opposite.

First reply nails it.

Why are you with him? He's an arsehole who clearly gets off on putting you down.

I suppose your DH is Chris Hemsworth lookalike with muscles to match or at least a billionaire so that he can outsourse all of your chores, get you a new wardrobe & provide you with a nice life in return for you looking pretty?
no? Didn’t think so… you can change the way you look if you want to but really there are better ways to encourage your partner to take up healthier lifestyle.

have you put on a few pounds? If so, I am not surprised. I would have do some serious comfort eating to be able to put up with what you have been enduring for however long.

I am so sorry that you are with someone who treats you like this. I don't know what to say as telling you to LTB sounds too easy because it sounds as though he has a bit of a hold over you. It also sounds as though your self esteem has taken a proper pounding. I hope others on here have more advice for you, but I offer support and a hug.

Get rid of this loon.
He is trying to drag you down, destroy your self esteem and then make you feel greatful that you are with him.

You need to reverse this, get shut of him, remind yourself that you are fabulous and be grateful you aren't with a loser.
It will do your confidence a world of good!

Another thing, and I’m asking these questions so it can all make sense to me is that when I was getting changed in the room, he’d look and do a little laugh. I’d ask him what he’s laughing at and he’d say nothing you just make me laugh. What does that even mean? I was literally just getting changed

Apologies I’ve not read the full thread but the first response is so spot on.
He sounds so awful op, without even knowing you, I can tell you with confidence that you deserve better.

I am sorry he ruined your holiday.I think you should now have a holiday for the rest of your life. From him! Honestly he sounds rude and disgusting .WTF! Making comments about other women.your back pain and ,saying that a period is disgusting!Just bin!

First response nails it.
You're with a nasty little negger of a man. Such a shame when previously nice and decent partners start belittling and undermining their partners.
Be prepared for it not to get better. If he continues after you have spelled it out to him, then get yourself organised and break up.

No matter how much he veils this as “joking” or “you being too sensitive” (or however else he minimises this), DP is telling you that he:

• thinks he is too good for you / you’re punching above your weight
• wants you to lose weight
• doesn’t like how you dress
• doesn’t think you’d still be together if you hadn’t had a baby at 21

He’s told you this. It’s up to you what you do with this information.

What first attracted you to this wonderful gentleman?

Doesn’t matter what he twists. You know yourself he’s being nasty. You don’t need him to agree with you, for you to be right.

sounds as if he’s either trying to make you break up with him (so that he is not the bad guy), or wanting to take away your confidence so that he can feel alpha and have you asking “how high” every time he wants you to jump.

what nice things does he do to make you feel he loves being with you?

Please don't even try talking to this abusive son of a bitch. There is absolutely no point at all. Just get yourself financially sorted. See a solicitor. Speak to women's aid. Get your ducks in a row and get the fuck away from him.

This man is abusing you - it’s emotional abuse, gaslighting and those are his tactics of coercive control. He’s attacking your self esteem and sense of self worth so that he can continue to abuse you or escalate how he treats you and you will feel like you deserve it.
You should also reach out to Women’s Aid who will provide you with emotional support and practical advice.

He has contempt for you.

It's over. Don't waste your time trying to talk him round, he may well already have someone in mind and he is comparing you to her. Wouldn't surprise me.

He is absolutely out of fucking order. Tell him so, every time. Or turn it around, point out his not so attractive attributes.
But either way, it's done. I'm so sorry.

It makes me so sad that people post this awful, awful stuff and then say "am I being sensitive" or "is this normal"
NO! This is not normal! It's not normal to go through life feeling shit and being criticised. The only people you should have in this short life are people who add positives not negatives.

He is a poor specimen and treats you appallingly. You have started this thread because you KNOW what you need to do. You need to leave this horrible clown. Think of a happier future without him in it. You can do this. Gird your loins. 💐

Op he's abusive. I'm sorry - you're so used to this now that it's the norm to you. My ex of only two years treated me the same when I had back pains while carrying his child and always told me I was too sensitive which meant he could say and do as he pleased without me being allowed to challenge him.
He doesn't care about you.
Please give up the notion that if you just communicate better that he will understand and change. He knows what he's doing and he has no intention of caring about you or changing. He is selfish.
Read two books - why does he do that? By Lundy something, and 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court.'
Then make a plan to leave him but don't tell him until it's sorted.
You could call women's aid as this is emotional abuse - perhaps you could get to stay in the home while he has to leave.

In future just completely ignore comments or laughing - he wants you to notice and be upset, don't be. And for pity's sake start arranging so you can leave him.
Mine drew a cruel caricature of me on the drywipe board in the kitchen - that everyone could see, including our tween sons, (until I erased it - didn't see it for a while). It was a naked fat woman and he had labelled bits of the body with "wobble". He said he thought it was funny, but he didn't say that he also knew it was nasty and disrespectful.

If that is genuinely true-not an angle for sympathy-then he has already done a number on you.

Of course, by having two children to him without any legal protection makes the situation more difficult. If you had no ties to him, you would have been able to pack a suitcase, close the front door behind you and jump on train going anywhere.

Do you have any rights to the home you are living in? Are you on a tenancy or is your name on a mortgage or deeds? If so, then you are in a better position-investigate how it can be used to your advantage.

I'm afraid that the time for getting paid work is right now, no matter how many twinges you have in your back. At least one of your children is in school so, at most, that leaves only one for you to find childcare for while you work and get enough money to leave.

Find a job by the end of the month-any job-shifting shite by night if needs be.

He is going to leave you. Prepare and make sure that when that day comes, you have money in the bank and can happily put up the bunting instead of sitting in a corner, frightened that you don't know how to put food on the table.

Don't be a mard arse. Take some control. Get a job otherwise, at some point, you will be begging this turd for money for food-money that he will -at best-resent giving you when he is living his new life and may very well end up giving you nothing at all.

Come on OP- get it together!

He can't control your feelings. They are what they are.

And you need to emphasise that he is hurting you - and if he doesn't stop you'll go.

And turn it on him. See how he likes it