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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things DP said to me while on holiday

641 replies

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/10/2024 08:33

OP, he is going to leave you. It's obvious he doesn't like you very much (not to excuse his shitty behaviour, scumbag!) so you need to get your life in order to live without him.

Start getting some savings together, look for a decent job ASAP, get paperwork in order, check what the childcare provision is like in your area, make sure your housing is secure.

You are in a very precarious position right now, LISTEN to what he is saying and read between those lines. You shouldn't be with him anyway, he's an arse.

PolaroidPrincess · 08/10/2024 08:33

since1986 · 08/10/2024 08:06

I'd start snooping, OP. Unfortunately this sounds like the groundwork for the script, not just dickhead behaviour.

Another one who thinks this is the beginning is of "the script".

OP have you got the opportunity to retrain? I'd be looking at getting employment as soon as you can so that you can support you and the DC.

Whousestypewritersanyway · 08/10/2024 08:34

Today is a great day to dump him.

HotSource · 08/10/2024 08:34

Time for a big relationship talk I think.

I would deal with this head on, directly but v calmly.

Find a time to be out without the kids, maybe walking. Say you want to ask how he is feeling about life and your relationship, tell him how the things he said on holiday made you feel.

He’s about to be 30, lots of us panic about milestone birthdays and aging, and it may be that he feels he spent the last decade of his youth in child rearing etc. (melodramatic but that’s how these birthdays get people).

I’m not excusing him, not at all, but if he is feeling restless and frustrated by humdrum family life then he needs to talk to you about what the two of you can do together to focus on yourselves, your adult lives and your relationship. Not just take it out on you.

Giggorata · 08/10/2024 08:35

No one needs this. He's already doing a number on you if you're wondering if you're being over sensitive.
Not at all.
There's no love or respect here.

I would urge you to start getting financially independent as soon as you can (I really mean now) because this unpleasant git is clearly on his way, already looking and questioning your relationship.
Also, it is an incredibly poor role model for the DC.

I have to invoke the Mumsnet ducks in a row protocol.
I think you'll be glad you did.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 08/10/2024 08:36

get him in the sea. life is too short to put up with that bs!

Sassybooklover · 08/10/2024 08:37

Essentially, he thinks you've put on some weight and have 'let yourself go'. Instead of talking to you in a sensitive way, where he could have come across as a husband helping the woman he loves - he's come across as a complete asshole. How old are you? Not being funny, I'm 50 next month but I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing tight leggings and cropped tops! It's clothing aimed at a much younger audience, than me! Comparing you to other women, making you believe he's better than you and you should be grateful he's with you attitude is appalling. I would be having stern words with him and making him aware that he's an insensitive dick.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 08/10/2024 08:40

I get back aches and it’s hard to imagine my partner being so dismissive and insensitive about them. Your partner should be caring for you not making you feel worse.

Cherryana · 08/10/2024 08:44

He is displaying contempt for you.
It’s his problem however you can be in charge of the solution.

MillenialAvocado · 08/10/2024 08:45

The only weight you need to lose is him! You deserve 1000% better.

Projectme · 08/10/2024 08:46

Bloody hell love. You're only 29. Are you sure you want a lifetime of this? And to have your kids witness it? No-one needs someone else's negative talk in their ear. And I bet he's no Adonis either. 🙄(even if he was, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't be saying horrible things anyway!)

No doubt, he'll have some revolting habits, a beer belly, no muscle tone, smelly breath, dodgy items of clothes etc but you 'put up' with those because you love him.

But are you really sure you want to tolerate this and also have your kids brought up in this environment that it's ok for Daddy to say shit to Mummy? nah. Do you have people IRL you can turn to for help?

Victoriancat · 08/10/2024 08:46

If my husband ever even dared talk to me like that (not that he would) his ball bag would be hung on my mantelpiece. This is such a crappy way to talk to people, not everyone wants to wear gym sets, he's just a pervert with a type.

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 08/10/2024 08:47

Fannyfiggs · 08/10/2024 08:03

Open the lid of your bin
Put this man in the bin
Close lid of bin
Live happily ever after without disrespectful man
The end.

Yes but maybe tape it shut and wheel it off somewhere remote too? Wink

Littlebitpsycho · 08/10/2024 08:49

He's an absolute dickhead.

I can tell you for 100% certainty that one of you is punching and it isn't you! You deserve better!

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2024 08:50

I haven't seen your other thread but he sounds like an absolute prick.
He's 29, you had children young and now he thinks the grass will be lusciously green on the other side, hence commenting on other women and your appearance etc.
I know it's easy to say but I'd leave him now before he inevitably cheats on you (if he hasn't already).

CheeseWisely · 08/10/2024 08:50

It's not even 9am and this is the third thread I've read today about a 'partner' who is actually a toxic bellend.

Society has done quite the number on Women, convincing us that being shackled to any old arsehole is better than being single.

OP, you don't need to spend the rest of your live with someone who displays absolute disdain for you, and you certainly don't need your children to have this as an example of how healthy and loving relationships look. You all deserve better.

lovelydayIhave · 08/10/2024 08:51

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:17

Thank you everyone. You’ve made me feel better knowing it’s not me. For those who have asked, we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 DC

Op he's undermining your confidence, it's very toxic.
Read something about narcissistic people, gaslighting and silent treatment.

Comtesse · 08/10/2024 08:52

Life is too short for this nonsense. It’s not you it’s him.

DancingTurtle · 08/10/2024 08:53

I think this is more about him than you. I think he’s realising the losses associated with his choice to settle down and to have kids. I also think he’s hitting some kind of “quarter life” crisis, realising that already the beautiful young women of 20, wearing matching leisure wear, are out of his reach.

I think it’s ok to have these thoughts, but to verbalise them, let alone to turn them in to an attack on you is beyond the pale. He sounds very immature and lacking in self awareness.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/10/2024 08:58

Please get rid of this vile man

DreamingofGinoclock · 08/10/2024 08:59

How would you feel if 10 years down the line one of your children came to you and told you that thier partner said these (or similar things) to them ......

I'm pretty sure you would tell them not to put up with it and leave

Original poster
noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 09:00

I know you’re all right but it’s just hard to believe because I know if I have a talk with him and tell him how horrible he’s been and how he’s made me feel, he’ll tell me I’m wrong, that he’s said these things for me, he didn’t mean them in a bad way etc. That’s the fustrating thing because I know who’s right in this situation but he will switch things round on to me. I’m going to speak to him tonight and be forceful and make my feelings clear

OP posts:
viques · 08/10/2024 09:01

Wow OP, that must have been an exhausting holiday for you, what with beating off those stunning twenty year old lingerie models who wanted nothing more than to drape themselves over your husband during the day , and then in the evening making sure the impressively bosomed thirty and forty year old self made millionaires weren’t slipping mickey Finns into his evening cocktails so they could ravish him in their penthouse suites.

It must be so tough being married to a sex god, tell him for the sake of all our exploding ovaries that he needs to start wearing a paper bag over his head in public - that is if he can find a paper bag big enough to cover his head and his ego.

He sounds like a very insecure and spiteful man btw, not attractive at all. I think you could do a lot better.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/10/2024 09:02

Normally you feel better after a holiday but his behaviour has made you feel worse.
He sounds /is awful

ChampaignSupernova · 08/10/2024 09:03

I don't need to ask about his appearance because with a personality like his he is ugly through and through. She saddest part of this post and many like it is that your self esteem is so low you have to check your not being too sensitive when he is clearly vile. You deserve better