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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things DP said to me while on holiday

641 replies

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

OP posts:
MustWeDoThis · 09/10/2024 17:54

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 13:42

@Ivehearditbothways Yes DS does go to nursery but his needs are high so I often have to go and collect him early if he’s not coping. I can’t commit to a job when things are like this. When he starts reception next September then I’ll go back to work

Edited

Why are you doing all of the caring? Surely it should be split between you?
I think you need your own independence- You could even study with the Open Uni! Kick this losers arse to the gutter because he sounds very resentful of you and he is looking at and pointing out other women in front of you.

He's a sexist pig and gaslighting you to feel like the bad person in this situation.

What would you tell your own child in this situation?

Lanzarotelady · 09/10/2024 17:55

He has no respect for you as his partner, the mother of his children, or you has a woman.

Is this really the example you want setting to your children, is it?

If you're still with him after this, then I am sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for you.

MammaKel · 09/10/2024 17:56

He's definitely "punching".

Get rid of him.

CardiffD · 09/10/2024 17:56

OMG DUMP HIM. He’s a POS.

Gillbertine · 09/10/2024 17:56

I hope he has a six pack and looks like Brad Pitt. If he doesn’t - Dump him 😂 seriously don’t waste your time with somebody like that!!

MauveExpert · 09/10/2024 17:57

This is awful and terribly abusive behaviour. My ex husband used to say awful things to me and I wished I’d posted like this- when you are in it, it’s hard to see that it’s abuse.

Im guessing this is part of a catalogue of behaviour.

Please consider carefully what your options are here. That’s no way to live xx

Otessa · 09/10/2024 17:58

He's really horrible. Reminds me of my nasty abusive ex who was always putting my appearance down. I got rid of him which is the best decision I've ever made, took awhile to get over all the things he used to say though.

You can do much better, OP.

AllyArty · 09/10/2024 18:00

He is being deliberately unkind and you are not overreacting. my first though was is he interested in someone else or having an affair? Sorry I don’t mean to throw a spanner in the works- it was just my first thought.

Sennelier1 · 09/10/2024 18:01

Now I'm curious how he looks. Is he tall and handsom, perfectly dressed, in splendid health? God's gift to women, a superhero, a looker? He must be because if not then why do you choose to be with him? I'm not exactly impressed by his character and personality 🤷🏼‍♀️

Airspice · 09/10/2024 18:01

Nasty nasty horrible man. Please do not stay with him, he will destroy you with his chipping away and your children will grow up thinking it’s acceptable to treat women/be treated this way.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/10/2024 18:02

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/10/2024 14:57

An essential part of being a good dad is being a good role model, including being good role model of how to communicate with your partner. Would you be happy if your DC grew up feeling that the correct way to treat a female partner is the one your DP is modelling?

Show quote history

This! It makes me so sad the amount of people who post about their abusive arsehole partners and say 'but he's a good dad!'. Just because he's not yet abusing the kids, the fact he's abusing their other parent means he's a horrible dad just like he's a horrible partner.

Prettymum2006 · 09/10/2024 18:03

In all honesty OP he sounds like he is about to go through some kind of midlife crisis. Like those horrid men who criticise you whilst trying to boost their own ego and make you feel like it’s your fault when then cheat. Absolute bellend who doesn’t deserve a minute more of your time. You can do so much better, don’t settle for this shit! You are definitely not being over sensitive here, don’t let him think you are

Winfield · 09/10/2024 18:05

Yes get it shot of him, run a mile. You are worth so much more than this horrible arrogant man.

gerryk62 · 09/10/2024 18:10

Christ he is a right pig

Josette77 · 09/10/2024 18:10

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 14:48

@speedmop He’s a good dad I can’t fault him for that and I get on with them really well

Your kids are learning that it's ok to treat women like this.

He is NOT a good Dad.

catlover123456789 · 09/10/2024 18:12

You deserve better.

lovenotwar149 · 09/10/2024 18:14

I am just going to reiterate the above...
OMG , get rid of him ...seriousy!! SERIOUSLY!

Lifeomars · 09/10/2024 18:18

he does not see you as a human being, those comments are vile, talking to you as if you are a thing that needs improvement. How dare he say that about your period, does he think women like having periods or that they menstruate just to annoy men. I bet he is like this more often that not and has worn you down with constant negative remarks

Mmhmmn · 09/10/2024 18:19

You feel unloved OP because you are unloved by him. I doubt that a person who could say such things to his partner is capable of loving anyone.

It doesn't mean that you are unlovABLE - just that he is.

So you need to throw the rotten fish back. Read up on how to build and recover self esteem before you meet the next guy. It's not your fault, it's his, he's choosing to treat you cruelly but you'll need to have strong boundaries so you don't accept this stuff if other guys try it. I say that because I doubt he's only just started.

It starts by them seeing if they get away with a little comment, and if they do, then it escalates and gets worse and worse. Don't accept it.

Clauz · 09/10/2024 18:20

Wow. Your DP is being vile and is treating you without an ounce of respect. Picking away at your self esteem and laughing at you is disgusting behaviour. I can't stress enough that you'd be fine without him. The hardest part is leaving and your life will get better and better from there. I bet if you said you wanted him gone, he'd change his tune. It sounds like he's unhappy and taking it out on you. If he says anything again, smile back at him or even laugh. Tell him if he doesn't like it, there's the door. Stay strong and don't let him bring you down.

Also my ex did this to me when he was having an affair. Not saying your situation is the same but the behaviour is a huge red flag and you deserve better.

MauveExpert · 09/10/2024 18:21

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2024 15:45

@noodlewoo

He’s a good dad I can’t fault him for that and I get on with them really well

The first mark of a 'good dad' is that he treats his children's mother with respect, and with love if they're together. This man does neither. His comments were abhorrent, and honestly I think he says those things with the specific intent to hurt you because he enjoys seeing you in pain.

By any chance was your first child unplanned? Could he feel he was 'trapped'? I really hate men who feel like that because if anyone is 'trapped' by an unintended pregnancy, it's the woman.

I do think that you should get back into the job market asap and get away from him, but you know your situation better than I. So what you should do, since you have a year to go, is start NOW planning to make your exit. Start stashing money away, get some kind of training if you need it to reenter the job market at a decent wage. Start exploring resources for your child and what childcare you may need. And remember that this prick will have to pay CMS. Easy enough if he's a wage earner, but if he's self employed or could easily go cash in hand, you'll need to plan for that.

Also, and I'm sorry to say it, but a man like that is very susceptible to cheating. This is another reason why you need to stash money away, starting immediately. He's as much as said that he wouldn't be there if it weren't for DC. Believe him and plan that he may very well walk out someday. Don't be blindsided.

Seek support from family and friends. If you have ONE friend or relative that you can lean on who will keep your confidences during this 'planning time', can help you keep your 'fuck you fund' securely stashed, and who will have a sympathetic ear when you need to vent, seek them out and confide.

And investigate the lease on your place. I'm not in the UK so I know very little about social/council housing in the UK. But you want to be sure that your name is on that lease and if it is not, GET IT ADDED. You cannot be sure that this man will 'go quietly' when the time comes so you need to be educated as to what, if anything, can be done. There was a recent thread (may still be active) in which an OP found out her name wasn't on the lease and she was forced to leave.

Don't sit around hoping that the future will be better because he will never change and likely will get worse. So make your own future a better one without him. You deserve it.

I agree with this one. After years of nasty put downs, my ex husband just suddenly walked out. No warning whatsoever.
I believe men who behave like this are harbouring years of resentment, without really communicating. Then they just leave without explaining.

Caramellie3 · 09/10/2024 18:22

Ex dp? He wants to be elsewhere do yourself a favour and end it. You deserve so much better. Don’t let him put you down. How dare he comment on your body negatively that is not love.

Horses7 · 09/10/2024 18:23

I would be really, really upset about his deliberate, hurtful behaviour. Your children must hear this too which is not good on so many levels. I hope you can get back on track together, if not you are better off without this poor excuse of a man.

MauveExpert · 09/10/2024 18:25

Ivehearditbothways · 08/10/2024 12:48

You can’t force him. If he is on the tenancy then you can’t force him. Even if the kids won’t live with him full time.

And again… how are you going to afford it?

Show quote history

Weird vibe here

exaltedwombat · 09/10/2024 18:27

You can approach this from two directions. 1. He’s just being nasty. 2. You’ve announced a desire to lose weight (‘I need to get back on my diet’) and trying to support you in this.
I don’t understand the ‘angin’ reference.