Things DP said to me while on holiday

[noodlewoo]

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

Good dads don't belittle their partners.

Good dads don’t belittled the mother of their children.

You remind me of another recent poster whose DC had started joining in with their father. “Mummy, you’re so fat and silly.” Do you want your DC growing up to think it’s ok for men to talk to women like this? And please don’t say he doesn’t do it in front of them… kids absolutely pick up on this behaviour.

@noodlewoo

He’s a good dad I can’t fault him for that and I get on with them really well

The first mark of a 'good dad' is that he treats his children's mother with respect, and with love if they're together. This man does neither. His comments were abhorrent, and honestly I think he says those things with the specific intent to hurt you because he enjoys seeing you in pain.

By any chance was your first child unplanned? Could he feel he was 'trapped'? I really hate men who feel like that because if anyone is 'trapped' by an unintended pregnancy, it's the woman.

I do think that you should get back into the job market asap and get away from him, but you know your situation better than I. So what you should do, since you have a year to go, is start NOW planning to make your exit. Start stashing money away, get some kind of training if you need it to reenter the job market at a decent wage. Start exploring resources for your child and what childcare you may need. And remember that this prick will have to pay CMS. Easy enough if he's a wage earner, but if he's self employed or could easily go cash in hand, you'll need to plan for that.

Also, and I'm sorry to say it, but a man like that is very susceptible to cheating. This is another reason why you need to stash money away, starting immediately. He's as much as said that he wouldn't be there if it weren't for DC. Believe him and plan that he may very well walk out someday. Don't be blindsided.

Seek support from family and friends. If you have ONE friend or relative that you can lean on who will keep your confidences during this 'planning time', can help you keep your 'fuck you fund' securely stashed, and who will have a sympathetic ear when you need to vent, seek them out and confide.

And investigate the lease on your place. I'm not in the UK so I know very little about social/council housing in the UK. But you want to be sure that your name is on that lease and if it is not, GET IT ADDED. You cannot be sure that this man will 'go quietly' when the time comes so you need to be educated as to what, if anything, can be done. There was a recent thread (may still be active) in which an OP found out her name wasn't on the lease and she was forced to leave.

Don't sit around hoping that the future will be better because he will never change and likely will get worse. So make your own future a better one without him. You deserve it.

He's a nasty prick.

He's going out of his way to belittle you (the changing room laughing? What the actual fuck). He's trying to make you feel like shit, and he's being spiteful.

Echoing other posters - a good Dad would not be insulting and bullying his kids' mum.

Your partner should be building up your confidence, not grinding you down.

You’re not being over sensitive. Your husband is a little boy, drop him and find a man.

No woman should tolerate a man who compares her to everything that moves. Filth. Have some self respect and divorce the child.

What the… the end of that relationship before you crumble.
We all have our own insecurites but for someone that suppose to love you is making you feel so small is the most painful thing in this world. Take no shit from him anymore. He doesnt deserve you.

But what message is he sending your children when they hear the way he talks to you

@noodlewoo

Oh, and 'triple up' your contraception. The last thing you want is to get pregnant.

What a truly horrible/ disgusting man.

Please want better for yourself! Tell him to fuck off I am sure he’s not perfect!!

This is not a good dad.

if you have daughters, they will end up with men like this. Run far away, cannot stress this enough.

You are with an abuser.

You’re going to need to undo years of damage that he has done to your psyche. I know, I’m in the process of escaping one of these disgusting men after decades.

I’ll bet you walk with your head down now, right? This man said none of this accidentally. His intention was for you to feel awful, then you won’t feel good enough for anyone else.

Kick him out by any means necessary. Play dirty if you have to, just get rid. Then begin the process of retraining your children on how they treat women/are treated because I can assure you, there is already damage.

And as I haven’t seen it mentioned, learn about narcissist personality disorder. You have one of ‘em on your hands.

They’re parasites and they’re everywhere

He is not. If belittling their mother to the point she feels shit about herself makes someone a good dad then he's a fucking fantastic Dad. The reality is though that he isn't. He's a prick.

From your description I’d say he is an overt narcissist. The reason he wants you to dress up is two fold. First he gets to humiliate and degrade you by using a third party (triangulation) and secondly he wants to show you off, like a trophy. You are his belonging. This is how they see the world.

Your DH is rude, so rude.

Sounds like he’s contemplating life, you, and your relationship. I wouldn’t be shy about giving it back to him and telling him how it made you feel. Maybe he’s not the only one pondering how their alternative life could have panned out.

My husband has never wanted me exposed clothing wise or overly made up. Not sure what that is, but if semi naked women turn men and they are out there, eyeing other women, even girls, this is creep behaviour

You don’t bother with yourself because of him (children will knock you too with just sheer exhaustion)

You can do a little experiment to see if I’m correct. Dress up, put makeup on, do your hair and watch his behaviour.

I can almost guarantee it won’t be what a normal persons would be (praise and admiration). He will likely purposefully ignore you to remind you of your place, or he will look at other women even more and ramp up the comments.

Once you have confirmed what he is, do not let him know that you know. The abuse increases. When you start putting boundaries in, I’m sad to say the abuse will increase too.

You cannot win by fighting with him, you can’t make him see reason. They enjoy fighting, and they absolutely love it when you beg for them to be normal and kind (like they used to be) You have to understand that the man you thought you knew never existed.

The only way to win is to cut him off completely. No texts, no calls, no presence. Starve him of your supply.

Time to up your standards so get rid of him. He is not worth another moment of your life.

Oh jeez, the old "he's a good dad" trope.

He's not a good dad, a good dad would be setting himself up as a role model for his children to see how to treat people, especially their partners! He is doing the opposite.

You can't be a good dad, and an abusive creep. They are not mutually exclusive attributes..

I agree with this ^^

Being a "good dad" doesn't cancel out his many faults. His faults cancel out any redeeming qualities he might have.

The fact that you wonder if you're being over sensitive tells me he's a nasty little man who treats you with contempt most of the time.

You have a problem here. It's him.

I hope you can develop the confidence to leave and start living again. What you're experiencing now is death by a thousand cuts.

It will take a bit of planning and a good deal of support.

But please start focusing on getting rid of him.

He has ruined your confidence.

Is there anything you can think of that would give you a boost?

Something you could do that would help you feel you were capable, strong, and worthy of praise?

He’s such a good dad is on the MN thread bingo card used as a defence to stay with a bell end - ditto he’s sweet and kind. Except for the 90% of the time he’s an abusive twat