Things DP said to me while on holiday

[noodlewoo]

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

This !

Get rid, and don't look back. You deserve so much better in life than putting up with a spiteful bully.

To me it sounds like he's dropping hints and trying to sabotage the relationship so it gets to a point he feels justified in walking away.

I agree he is not sounding too good, but once he realises how wrong he is and how serious she is, it may make him think again.

IME they would swear black was white before realising and admitting "how wrong they are". They will always twist reality so that it's the woman's fault, and that therefore their horrible behaviour is entirely justified.

Once it's got to that stage, it can't be mended.

I'll give it to you from a mans perspective he sounds like a Mahoosive twat!

I'd suggest you tell him to go to his mums/a friend for a few days so YOU can have some time to see whether you want to continue putting up with someone like that in your life.

You'll probably find you're much happier and won't allow him back.

Get rid. Awful things to say.

@noodlewoo he sounds absolutely vile you definitely deserve better. I woukd love to see his face when he has been given the boot and he sees you in your gym leggings set! Keep your head you don't need husband negative attitude.

This.

Your husband is a massive bellend who clearly has been brought up with no respect or manners. Until I read your updates I thought you were much older especially considering the fact he used the term “trendy”. That would give me the ginormous ick in itself without all of the other misogynistic comments and put downs. I’d sack him off pronto if I were you if you’re able, you’re far too young to be stuck with a man whose morals and views wouldn’t have been out of place in the 1950s. 🤮🤮

She is an unmarried mum who has decided not to work. She is incredibly vulnerable. She picked a guy who sounds like a total shit to have kids with (and it doesn’t sound like this is new behaviour so not the best decision maker which again, makes her vulnerable). And she really thinks he is going to give up a secured tenancy willingly?

Your DH isn't shy about telling you he's eyeing up every trendy young thing he sees, is he.
What a nerve, what a crummy holiday you must have endured with this loser, no wonder you came home feeling like you did, rather than happy and refreshed.
Sorry for your loss of a holiday, can't imagine being home with this person is much fun either.
Your DH is an abuser, an emotional abuser, no wonder you have chronic pain, likely anxiety and depression.

This

She hasn’t decided not to work, she’s a carer for her disabled child. They have obviously been together since they were very young so it’s easy for him to do a number on her and gaslight her into believing she’s all of the nonsense things that he claims she is. If she kicks him out and he refuses the police will remove him and he will have no option. More than slightly clueless aren’t we dear?

She can’t kick him out of a joint tenancy. And the police won’t remove him unless he is being arrested for domestic abuse and is then bailed to another address. The police cannot just remove someone from their home with their name on the tenancy. Are you stupid?

And the child goes to nursery and is about to start school, so she can work.

I’m also 29, had my first child at 21, and just got back from holiday with my DH. These are some things he said to me “you look so good” “no one would guess you’ve had three children” “I love it when you wear that” “your the best looking girl here hands down” “you really timed your perfection perfectly for this holiday” “three most beautiful girls (me and my two DDs)”

That’s what your DH should be saying to you! What your DH is saying to you is awful!

Decided not to work?

I'm not sure that someone in receipt of DLA and carers allowance made a 'decision' about anything. I highly doubt there was a choice

This one nails it. OP he sounds like a fucking prick

Tell him to go away for a few days, yes. But tell him it's so that you can decide whether or not your relationship has a future and whether you want to be with him. And while he's gone, make your escape plan. He's gaslighting you and he's an emotionally abusive prick.

I am a few pounds too heavy and don't wear the best clothes. Dh tells me every day how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. Because he's nice and not an abusive prick. This is what normal looks like, op. What you have is not normal.

I haven't read all the responses, so apologies if someone has already said something similar.

His behaviour towards you is disgusting. Who does he think he is speaking to you like that and trying to make you feel inferior to other women? As for the period comment, that's just odd. He is being emotionally abusive and you are being gaslighted (no doubt) into wondering if you are being too sensitive!

Best thing is to leave him. How much happier will you be when you close the door when you get home at night and you don't have a nasty bastard waiting for you to knock your confidence even more. You will be so much happier and content without that!

You have your children, you focus on them and take time to take care of yourself.

As for him...let him move on, who cares. I just feel sorry for the next woman he gets with because he will be like that with her too. Making a woman feel lacking is his way of boosting his own ego. What a man 🙄

You really think the police will kick someone out of their home for a few comments (albeit cuntish ones)?!

Thanks @Unexpectedlysinglemum and I am sorry to say that we haven't talked about it in those terms - and I guess a lot of the reason is probably that I am scared that they think I am to blame.

Apart from not being very nice to me (and tbf apart from the horrible caricature and a couple of other incidents, he didn't usually do this in front of them) he was a reasonably good father to them - did stuff with them, cooked, fought their corner etc, but when he left (they were older teens) he married someone abroad almost immediately and didn't bother too much with them. No birthday or Christmas presents, and limited communication, although he has improved a bit now. He doesn't communicate with me of course, I wouldn't expect or like it.

The younger one in particular has had a lot of problems and has needed/still needs considerable support from me. I found (from exSIL) that Ex was sad when he found out certain things - upset that this was his DC and he didn't know about their struggles. But this was DC's decision as an adult - not mine.

Edited to apologise for derailing OP's thread.

The trouble is OP that he thinks he’s better than you. He thinks he’s more attractive and thinks your punching. You can ask him to change, to not say nasty stuff, to stay at his mums and reflect… but he won’t see you differently. I couldn’t be with someone that thinks he could do better, you have to decide if you can.

Tenancy-wise it’s much more of a complicated matter and would depend on whether or not he’s on the tenancy in the first place. As others have said he’s already emotionally abusing her so she would have grounds there under coercive control. The OP can apply to the courts to have him removed and she would have an incredibly strong case due to the age of her children and the fact that she’s already providing care. I daresay she probably provides the majority of the care anyway regardless of the child’s disability. Doesn’t sound like he’s going to be jumping in any time soon to be the resident parent considering the fact that he has already admitted he wishes he didn’t have children so young. With that in mind a lot of HA tenancy agreements won’t allow for under occupancy. This is assuming that he can be bothered to put up with all that hassle which if he can’t be bothered to want to parent his own children, he’s unlikely going to want a court battle just for somewhere to live to then lose.

Also, not as stupid as you clearly thinking that caring for your disabled child is the same as being wilfully unemployed. You’re just continuing to make yourself look dense by pushing that point. Allow me to break it down for you in simple terms. Given that she claims DLA for her child she would have no requirement to look for work on universal credit. Claiming carers allowance gives you a maximum earnings limit as well that most would struggle to find a job to fit around. Depending on the disability of the child she may not be able to work. Childcare can be a stumbling block for a parent of a child with high needs that may require additional support to meet their needs that regular childcare providers can’t supply.

Only someone who is extremely emotionally unintelligent would try and trample on a young woman stuck in an abusive relationship. Thats you by the way incase you were wondering. You’re showing yourself up here by the way, not anyone else.

@Ivehearditbothways Yes DS does go to nursery but his needs are high so I often have to go and collect him early if he’s not coping. I can’t commit to a job when things are like this. When he starts reception next September then I’ll go back to work