Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things DP said to me while on holiday

641 replies

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

OP posts:
travellinglighter · 08/10/2024 10:21

The obvious question is he Brad Pitt lookalike or more a Brad Pitt scrotum lookalike?

Dollybantree · 08/10/2024 10:24

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 09:10

Another thing, and I’m asking these questions so it can all make sense to me is that when I was getting changed in the room, he’d look and do a little laugh. I’d ask him what he’s laughing at and he’d say nothing you just make me laugh. What does that even mean? I was literally just getting changed

It means he is an evil bastard who is trying to subtlety (or not so subtlety) mess with your head and make you feel awful about yourself. And when you question his behaviour he gaslights the fuck out of you.

He is a properly evil piece of shit.

halava · 08/10/2024 10:24

Wannabe Adonis Arsehole. Waa Waa.

itsjustbiology · 08/10/2024 10:28

Hello lovely lady
He is cruel,mean and spiteful. Let him go.literally show him the door and tell him enough is enough. I get totally how hurt,confused and upset you are.Also you could be fearful of how you would manage but I learned very early on that I could manage and have peace of mind and it is so worth it. Waking up and going to sleep is so much better when you do not have to endure this abuse, wondering what they are going to say to destroy you more today. You do not have to endure this any longer and I promise you whatever he says and whatever he does next he feels ok doing this to you, he likes doing this to you. It's not ok. Please be brave,let him go for you not for him.I am so sorry you have to live like this right now it must be very painful for you. Find your courage and go live in peace.

funkylittleboatrace · 08/10/2024 10:29

Don’t listen to anyone who uses the word trendy. He sounds like a utter twat OP.

MandyFriend · 08/10/2024 10:32

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 09:00

I know you’re all right but it’s just hard to believe because I know if I have a talk with him and tell him how horrible he’s been and how he’s made me feel, he’ll tell me I’m wrong, that he’s said these things for me, he didn’t mean them in a bad way etc. That’s the fustrating thing because I know who’s right in this situation but he will switch things round on to me. I’m going to speak to him tonight and be forceful and make my feelings clear

This is classic gaslighting and is not OK! He had no right to be so cruel and nasty to you during your holiday and especially on your birthday. He sounds like a complete narcissist - that ability to be able to twist everything into making you look unreasonable while playing the victim! Having escaped a marriage to such a person, I know how they make you doubt yourself and sometimes even your own sanity!

I wish you well for your talk with him tonight. Try to have some retorts ready for when he tries to twist your words and make you think you are the one being unreasonable. I will be astonished if he acknowledges he's even done anything wrong, let alone apologises!

HappyMummaOfOne · 08/10/2024 10:33

Yikes, what a cock! 😳
No you are absolutely NOT being over sensitive. He is 100000% NOT saying these things “for your sake”. And he is disguising how he really feels by saying it’s a “joke”….its not.

I would take a good look at your relationship and work out what you are actually benefiting by staying with him and consider what would happen if he was to just up and leave one day (because it definitely sounds like he is checking out of the relationship so I’d start getting all my ducks in a row ready for WHEN it all ends).

No one deserves to be spoken to the way he does to you. So, pull on your big girl pants, realise how amazing you are and choose to do better! Step one, ditch the arsehole and start to rebuild your confidence. X

PrettyPickle · 08/10/2024 10:34

There is a lot to unpack there. Is your relationship good usually?

I have had conversations with my husband about what path our life may have taken if we hadn't met, but that is distinctly different from asking if you would still be together if it wasn't for the kids as it implies they are the sole reason you are still together from his perspective, unless swiftly followed by confirmation that he would still hope to be in the relationship.

As to the comment about "punching" ask him to clarify what his thoughts were on that - no man that truly loves you would make any comment but "I am punching with you", if he dares to suggest its the other way around, then he is not someone who cares about you in the way you deserve.

At the very best he is being very insensitive and unnecessarily cruel. Do not allow him to minimise it, he needs to reconsider how he talks/refers to you.

Once you’ve calmed down, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Use "I" like "I feel hurt when you say that". Don't let him say you are overthinking or being too sensitive, he needs to think before he speaks about the effect his words have on you. This is on him, not you and make it clear you know that. When he says something, i.e. the punching comment, ask him what he meant and what his reply would be if you had asked that? Don't let him dodge it. Understanding the intent behind the comments can help. Clearly communicate that undermining comments are unacceptable and how it affects you and that there will be consequences if this continues.

Often, such behaviour stems from the other person’s insecurities and I would say don't take it personally, but I know it hurts and he needs to know that too.

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing because sometimes they can offer a different perspective and if his behaviour persists consider professional help i.e. couples counselling to mediate and address underlying issues.

Know your own worth, if you don't they won't. And remember that your kids are growing up in this environment and they learn by example.

MyNewNewlife · 08/10/2024 10:35

He has contempt towards you. He no longer feels attracted and feels justified to treat you badly. It is really damaging behaviour and will continue and get worse.

Dont let it slide. Call him out, tell him you know what his comments mean and if he wants out then go. If he cant have any respect or kindness towards you, then you will leave.

Make your statement clear and without emotion. Then let him consider.

Be prepared to free yourself from this cruel fool of a man

Blondiney · 08/10/2024 10:37

What an arsehole.

Member984815 · 08/10/2024 10:38

In his mind the relationship is over, I wouldn't stay with someone who spoke like that to me any signs he has been seeing someone else ? Has he always spoke to you like this or is it a recent thing? He might want you to be the bad person who broke your family up so he comes off as a victim .

Caddycat · 08/10/2024 10:39

Is this normal behaviour OP or has it changed? It sounds to me like someone who's trying to justify to himself something he's done or is about to do. Whether or not that's the case, don't put up with it. You deserve better.

KimFan · 08/10/2024 10:40

He's a disrespectful, self-obsessed, immature little dick.
Leave him and live a life of not being put down and belittled by a man who clearly thinks he deserves better than you, which in reality is quite ironic because it's the other way around. Don't waste another second of your life on someone so vile.

Timetoheal4good · 08/10/2024 10:40

This is disgusting from someone who is supposed to love you.

LTB. And I really mean it. He's a mean nasty bully who deserves no further consideration from you.

muddyford · 08/10/2024 10:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/10/2024 09:29

If you're punching above your weight that means you're going out with someone who is higher status (probably meaning more attractive) than you

Show quote history

Thank you. I know what punching above one's weight means, but I have never seen it abbreviated to merely 'punching'.

WestwardHo1 · 08/10/2024 10:45

FGS the last four threads I have clicked on this morning have been from posters whose partners are complete fucking pricks.

Boorish, rude, lazy, selfish, cruel, entitled, often lazy pricks.

Why is still seen as preferable to being single? Are they that good in bed? I'm betting not. I would say "there are lots of nice men out there, bin him" but sadly it seems there aren't. And society makes women feel pressured to remain in a couple and afraid of the alternative. And yes it is bloody scary when it's just you.

Fucking society. Fucking men.

(edited as I thought of more things to add to my rant)

ChungKing · 08/10/2024 10:49

It sounds like he's negging you, which is really weird and repulsive at the best of times, but to do it to someone you've been with for years and have kids with is really odd and disgusting.

TheWomanWithTheStick · 08/10/2024 10:49

I despair at the sheer number of idiot men there are around. Please, OP, tell us you've got rid of this waste of space. I bet you are lovely. Please go out and find a real man who appreciates you and will be lucky to have you x

Arraminta · 08/10/2024 10:50

PrettyPickle · 08/10/2024 10:34

There is a lot to unpack there. Is your relationship good usually?

I have had conversations with my husband about what path our life may have taken if we hadn't met, but that is distinctly different from asking if you would still be together if it wasn't for the kids as it implies they are the sole reason you are still together from his perspective, unless swiftly followed by confirmation that he would still hope to be in the relationship.

As to the comment about "punching" ask him to clarify what his thoughts were on that - no man that truly loves you would make any comment but "I am punching with you", if he dares to suggest its the other way around, then he is not someone who cares about you in the way you deserve.

At the very best he is being very insensitive and unnecessarily cruel. Do not allow him to minimise it, he needs to reconsider how he talks/refers to you.

Once you’ve calmed down, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Use "I" like "I feel hurt when you say that". Don't let him say you are overthinking or being too sensitive, he needs to think before he speaks about the effect his words have on you. This is on him, not you and make it clear you know that. When he says something, i.e. the punching comment, ask him what he meant and what his reply would be if you had asked that? Don't let him dodge it. Understanding the intent behind the comments can help. Clearly communicate that undermining comments are unacceptable and how it affects you and that there will be consequences if this continues.

Often, such behaviour stems from the other person’s insecurities and I would say don't take it personally, but I know it hurts and he needs to know that too.

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing because sometimes they can offer a different perspective and if his behaviour persists consider professional help i.e. couples counselling to mediate and address underlying issues.

Know your own worth, if you don't they won't. And remember that your kids are growing up in this environment and they learn by example.

Yeah, but no. Fuck any of that.

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/10/2024 11:00

First post nails it. Time to split. You deserve better.

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/10/2024 11:03

PrettyPickle · 08/10/2024 10:34

There is a lot to unpack there. Is your relationship good usually?

I have had conversations with my husband about what path our life may have taken if we hadn't met, but that is distinctly different from asking if you would still be together if it wasn't for the kids as it implies they are the sole reason you are still together from his perspective, unless swiftly followed by confirmation that he would still hope to be in the relationship.

As to the comment about "punching" ask him to clarify what his thoughts were on that - no man that truly loves you would make any comment but "I am punching with you", if he dares to suggest its the other way around, then he is not someone who cares about you in the way you deserve.

At the very best he is being very insensitive and unnecessarily cruel. Do not allow him to minimise it, he needs to reconsider how he talks/refers to you.

Once you’ve calmed down, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Use "I" like "I feel hurt when you say that". Don't let him say you are overthinking or being too sensitive, he needs to think before he speaks about the effect his words have on you. This is on him, not you and make it clear you know that. When he says something, i.e. the punching comment, ask him what he meant and what his reply would be if you had asked that? Don't let him dodge it. Understanding the intent behind the comments can help. Clearly communicate that undermining comments are unacceptable and how it affects you and that there will be consequences if this continues.

Often, such behaviour stems from the other person’s insecurities and I would say don't take it personally, but I know it hurts and he needs to know that too.

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing because sometimes they can offer a different perspective and if his behaviour persists consider professional help i.e. couples counselling to mediate and address underlying issues.

Know your own worth, if you don't they won't. And remember that your kids are growing up in this environment and they learn by example.

Or, you know, a simple "fuck off twat".

I think your last paragraph explains that actually @noodlewoo doesn't need to do any of what you first suggested, she just needs to get rid.

Imfreetofeelgood · 08/10/2024 11:06

He thinks he's a catch, and has 'settled' , or been 'trapped' by parenthood. His behaviour counts as emotional abuse in my view. Once this sort of behaviour starts it isn't going to stop. Please don't start trying to change to meet his standards OP. He will destroy your self esteem if you stay with this man. Even if he is the Adonis he thinks he is, he really isn't good enough for you OP.

Boobygravy · 08/10/2024 11:08

Tell him that we all think he is punching and you can do so much better.

MoveToParis · 08/10/2024 11:09

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:23

So we are still young (29) and had our first DC when we were 21. While we were on holiday he said “do you wonder what our life would be like if we didn’t have children so young” now I can’t remember exactly what he said next it was either that we probably wouldn’t still be together or that we might not still be together. Then when I questioned that he said he was joking

What was the joke?

OP, it’s pretty obvious he wants out and wants you to be to blame for it.

There are so many better people out there. But being single would be a huge improvement.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 08/10/2024 11:13

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

He's nasty and mean. I think that means he is a wanker?

I would feel horrible. At first. Then, I would see his flaws and not mention them but reassure myself that I am perfect. For me.

I very much doubt the pin-up calendars are begging for him to pose for them. None of us are perfect, and we all have flaws. One of your NVDH's is his behavior and treatment of someone he is supposed to love.

Edited to support what others above have said. I once lost 250 pounds and never, ever felt better. My ex went on to continue screwing up his life and being the wastoid he was when with me. I went on to find my best, best friend in my DH, who would never, ever say anything like what your NVDH said to you.