Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

Thanks if you read that! Sorry it was such a long post!

Why on earth do you adore him ?

He sounds like a twat. Sorry.

A self absorbed twat that is either unwilling or unable to understand that other people also get tired.

You need to change tack and stop pandering to this bullshit. Appeasement doesn't work, you offer solutions he won't take and you try to help. It's pointless because he enjoys being an arse.

Try telling him to pull his weight and pull his head out of his arse, in whichever order he prefers.

Do you think "I'm so tired" is man-code for "I'm depressed"? It sounds like you both are just getting through your days with little room for anything enjoyable or anything to look forward to. (I think this is pretty common; most of us go through phases where everything feels like drudgery).

You really have been more than understanding and I can see why you're frustrated. I do think you have to stop running yourself ragged trying to make things easier for Mr. Eight-hours-but-I'm-still-tired. Maybe approach the subject of depression? Emphasize that he needs to take steps to help himself because you can't pick up all the slack.

Because he is kind, gentle, warm, loves me, gives good hugs, is my best friend, can be a great father (when he's not 'tired' and grumpy, and sometimes even when he is), he has a good heart, we've been together nearly 20yrs...

Yeah, he might be depressed. I have mentioned this before and suggested he pop to the doctor but he says he's fine, just 'needs sleep'. I'll try and broach it tomorrow in a different way and see what he thinks. I do love him and want to support him.

He doesn't seem v happy to me, but I have said i will literally do ANYTHING to help him, to change our lifestyle or support him better, or whatever he needs to make help him feel happier. But he doesn't seem to want anything to change.

absolutely-fuck that mate

Total
contradictions!

What if you are exhausted as he is - would he be so accommodating to you, OP?

Is this relationship balanced? Does he care about your well-being in quite the same way? Does he appreciate how kind you are?

He sounds insufferable. Absolutely fair enough if he is ill, but he just wants to moan and sleep?

He sounds utterly self absorbed to me.

"We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)"

STOP doing this FGS.

He can't be more tired than you, surely!?

BONKERS.

Ok. You need to reframe this.

You have a man who doesn’t go to bed to sleep when he could do so. Who gets statistically plenty of sleep and who does significantly less than one person’s share of family life. He has no known health issues.

He isn’t tired, short of sleep or needing more sleep. He is in the habit of using the words ‘I’m sooo tired’, when he’s feeling a little grumpy, bored or dissatisfied about life.

The solution is not for you to do all his share of family life as well as your own. It’s not for you to reorganise family life around his need for sleep.

The solution- and it’s a tricky one- is for him to stop complaining he’s tired and to start pulling his fucking weight. From here on in, tell him to stop being idle, stop grumbling and pull his weight.

You're going to burn out. You're carrying the burden for both of you, running around trying to solve everything. Your husband sits around moaning he's tired twiddling his thumbs while you do everything.

You've got rose tinted spectacles on.

This would drive me mad. I can't bear people who moan and whinge.

He isn't tired he's just attention seeking. You're busy and he's not, so he has to say something that will bring the attention back to him. Grumbling and moaning is what does it for him.

If he had been tired he would have gone to bed, he didn't.

He could have helped but being in his pjs meant you didn't ask.

Stop pandering to his self-centred laziness. Ignore his whining, he's a grown man and can sort it himself. I'd take to my bed with a three-day migraine and leave him to cope with everything. It might teach him to appreciate you a little more.

Time for you to find your anger. You arranged everything to enable him to have the early night he claims he needs, and he wouldn't go to bed. You've suggested he go to the GP and offered various other solutions and he won't entertain any of them. Clearly the status quo benefits him hugely.

Next time he says he's tired, tell him you don't want to hear it unless he has properly pulled his weight with the domestic chores and done everything he can to fix himself (like GP.) You have to stop trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. His life is just hunky dory with his ever-loving wife running round after him and doing everything for him. He is just using you. Stop taking his shit.

The next time he says he's tired don't give him any solutions. It's almost like a placating/reassurance thing that has started and it's hard to stop but I remember a woman had a similar issue on here last year.
General advice was for her to say, I'm sorry to hear you say you're tired, what are you going to do about it? Or something to that effect. Eventually hubby got the point that he is expected to come to his own solutions and actually stopped complaining, saw a doctor and made some changes. It took a while but it worked.

You are enabling it now, stop. He has you right where he wants you. I wonder if you adores you as much as you him? stop pandering to him and burning yourself out. Let the tables turn, you have done everything you can. I'm surprised you haven't started detaching from his bllsit. Sorry OP.

OK I may have miss understood. So sorry but you both seem to be stressed working and kids and he says he needs more rest than you. He then stays up under your feet rather than going to bed and getting the sleep he needs.
You resent him for this as he should go to bed and quit moaning. Where u have stayed up done the sorting and still have to be up in the morning.
I get all that and I would be mighty pissed at him for being like this as he isn't helping you or the family. You seem to be expected to pick up the slack and carry on.
My question is you mention money to do education or move abroad so are you desperate for cash that means you can't take a step back too? Can't you use the money if it is accessible to ease your life. If nit use it to divorce and move abroad yourself with the kids. I'm sure he would realise then.

‘AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :”

Explain why it’s up to you to assume responsibility to fix another adult’s issue when they won’t themselves? You’re treating him like another child. As PP said, your answer is ‘what are you going to do about it?’ If you want it to change, place responsibility where it belongs. If you don’t want to do that, there’s no point in ranting here.

What was he like when the kids were babies??

The "tired" game is normally reserved for new parents, is it a hangover from that period in time, did he play the competition tiredness game and get some kind of rewards?

What's his parents and your parents dynamics like? I'm going to assume the mum, woman running around after the husband in both cases.

I'm not sure how you find him attractive when he behaves like a giant child, my DH gets tired he gets sick so I care for him during these periods of time, but likewise if I'm tired want an early night etc he would pick up and let me snooze, that's how it should be working.

If he moaned about being tired for say 5 days in a row I would assume he was sick or suggest he gets bloods or takes some vitamins or looks at his diet.

OP time to ask what does he bring to your life. Does he bring joy? Does he bring support? Does he bring fun? Does he bring kindness and caring? Is he a good listener? I'm sorry but from your post he sounds like a dead weight around your neck. I think I would suggest he move out for a while so he can get plenty of much needed sleep. Maybe a short sharp shock would put things in perspective for him? Honestly take a massive step back. You're bending yourself inside out to accommodate this man child. Maybe it's time to take a good hard look at the relationship.

what’s he like at weekends. Is he fun? Or still moany and ‘tired’. Because he sounds hard work, unless he gets to Friday and turns into fun Bobby. If so, he should just be ignored when moans during the week. By trying to fix him you’re giving him a stage to keep moaning. When he starts moaning, walk away.

Tell him to shut up and you're tired too ? 🤷‍♀️

Yeh no more solutions. If he moans just say "oh dear that sounds bad" and ignore. It's turned into a bit of a toxic "dance" where he plays the victim and you run around trying to fix things for him. No more sympathy or solutions. Acknowledge his moans and move on. Tell us how u get on!

Do you think he's unfit ?