Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

My husband has mentioned being tired often for quite a while. I took his phone and installed the NHS app and made him a doctor's appointment for a full blood test. He actually was quite nervous to get a blood test done as he had never had one so maybe that's what stopped him for years? Came back with a folic iron deficiency (amongst other things) which can cause extreme fatigue. Now he's on tablets he has sooooooooooo much more energy and moans less!

What a man child.

This... what he is doing is a meek form of abuse.

Women are often so blind to it.

Why do YOU do all the work? Why does he get to sit on his backside and not support you?
You work to the bone accommodating him whilst he does... what exactly?

Tolerable levels of unhappiness. So many women are stuck in relationships with men where they are at a tolerable levelcof unhappiness.

Put up with these things and to me it is abuse, I see it in my sister and she is like a slave and it unhappy, run ragged while her partner only works, he won't drive either or learn. Proper pampered man who always tired.... where my sister is very ill from it all but "soldiers on".

I hate him for it.

Had similar with my DH, couldn’t hack it anymore so insisted he went to GP. It turned that out he is diabetic, now on medication and controlling with diet, he is no longer tired like before.

Definitely try to persuade your DH to get checked out.

He honestly sounds like a useless but lovable pet in that case?

I couldn’t deal with this. You’ve tried. People who are determined to stagnate AND moan? Uch.

One last ditch attempt, a non negotiable blood test/get him on some supplements, tell him to sort his shit out or else I’d be gone. Lazy and selfish.

You're doing too much and enabling that shit. Get mad, get angry get resentful til he either gets honest and stops playing victim or gets honest and gets help. He's not adorable he's running you ragged and dragging you down.

You are doing too much. You are not his mum or support human.

I'd tell him to get to the Drs or STFU.

How convenient that he's "too tired" to do any housework or childcare🙄He isn't showing love to you in his actions OP.

Sorry, but I think you’re being an absolute mug. When my Dh is tired and grumpy, he gets told, I don’t just do everything for him. I don’t think you’re helping the situation. Sorry.

he just doesn’t want to do it (clean up, cook dinner, put kids to bed etc.)

Sounds horrible but stop facilitating it.

Claim your sleep. Ignore his grumpiness or be grumpy back. Not forever but long enough to break your cycle of martyring yourself for him

Wow.

Just wow.

Must be like having a constantly stroppy teenage child.

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband.

Happy to wander round like a fucking useless lump, watching you do all the donkey work.

He doesn't sound like he loves you. He sounds like he has reverted to childhood and you're his mummy, solving all his problems.

You obviously aren't having sex with the walking ick are you. Is he too tired for that aswell?

He sounds very similar to my ex DH. And I think I have a similar personality to you - I want to make the most of life, enjoy what we are able to do and have, and if there's a problem I solve it and move on.

I was married to my ex for over 20 years. He too was a "good guy", kind, loyal, good dad etc. But he struggled with his mental health and was always tired, so I had to do everything. Over the years I made endless suggestions for him - got him joined up to a gym, organised therapy, gave him as much time to himself and for hobbies as he wanted. But it still wasn't enough! One day I had an epiphany and said to him "are you actually OK always being tired and depressed?" and he said that yes, he was fine with it! So that was the problem - I'd been running around for years trying to solve the problem of him being tired and depressed, whereas he was actually quite happy being like that (seemingly oblivious to the effect it was having on my life!)

That was one of the reasons we split up as I just couldn't live like that any more. It's very hard, I feel for you!

How old is he? If he's not active and healthy is he basically a walking heart attack? Heart problems slow you down as the arteries get clogged up.

You need to sit him down and tell him he has to do more.

What could you be doing that has you up til 4 or 5am though? I work full time, study, do the kids clubs, take care of the dog, etc. And I always manage to be in bed at a reasonable time. My husband does longer hours and does his share and gets a full 8 hour sleep. Our house is filthy though, so there's that 😆

Apart from making your husband do more, you need to look at your priorities and figure out what has to go. Is it the husband, the house, a club or 2? If you're struggling, cancel something. It's also on you to make it work. Nobody loves a martyr.

Thanks everyone.

Gosh I I hadn't realised how lop-sided everything is until I wrote my post and now reading your replies. I also see that I've ended up trying to take responsibility for him, when he's an adult and should do this himself.

I'm going to insist today he visits the doctor and then as a poster suggested, each time he says he's tired I will reply with something like 'that's tough. What are you going to do about it?'

Thank you all and sorry for my long rant last night!!

(I would answer all your questions, but you can probably guess the answers - no he didn't help with night feed etc.. when the kids were babies etc... He's better now than he was back then in terms of pulling weight, so you can imagine how it was... God I've been so blind)

In answer to 'is he fit?' - He is 'fit' in that he takes care of what he eats. He cycles to and from work, works out a couple of times in the week. But he may still not be healthy. (He doesn't look 'healthy' - he does actually 'look' tired)

He's really selfish OP. And that's not kind or loving.
I'm not sure how you've ended up in a situation where you are taking more responsibility for his wellbeing than he does! The poster who said he has 'weaponised' his tiredness had it right - he's got you exactly where he wants you, doing everything and not lifting a finger to help! Watching you run yourself ragged and take on everything for the kids is not being a good husband or dad. What message do you think your children will absorb from this as they grow older?

I know you've just updated but to add to what you're going to do, I strongly advise that you make him take on his fair share of household responsibilities. Start prioritising your own rest a lot more, before you burn out.

It must be so nice to be a man sometimes - able to largely opt out of parenting, safe in the knowledge that the children's mum will step up and do it all!

This one. ⬆️

Also, another way to get him to step up is to force the issue. My dh hasn't always been as great as he is now. At first I made MY job and study revolve around all the house stuff. So he just worked and left all that to me. Later there became days when I couldn't do the school run, etc., because i was in the office, so he had to take those on. When the clubs became so full on that we had pot noodles for dinner, he started cooking. Now he cooks more than I do.

Maybe you need to make yourself less available to do everything.

On another note, he's right to prioritise 8 hours sleep a night. You should too.

Oh My... he does all of this and leaves you go do rest? Honey WAKE UP.

@tolerable nailed it!

Maybe it’s just because I’m right in the thick of it at the moment with a 6 month old baby who hates sleep (and has since the day she was born😂) but honestly nothing irritates me more than someone complaining about being tired so I’d also be annoyed OP! My husband & I mutually agreed to not mention tiredness when our baby was a few weeks old because yes, we are both absolutely shattered, but when one/both of us start commenting on how tired we are then you get competitive tiredness and that’s a petty pointless argument that doesn’t make anyone reel good & that’s where you are now, comparing who gets more hours of sleep, who does more childcare, who works better/worse hours etc. There’s no winner in the tiredness argument because the reality is one of you “doing more” doesn’t make the other any less tired.

If he cycles abd goes to the gym willingly I doubt it is a deficiency... he is just doing the torturous thing men like this do to women. It is a form of "tolerable level of unhappiness" abuse really, making you the slave so he can be lazy however has time to enjoy the gym.

You should really research that term... he is making you unhappy but to point it is tolerable. Its a newish thing but soooo many women are in that position.

Does he give you timecto enjoy workouts and work on your physical and mental health in that way?

Only you have power to change op. Don't give in to patriarchal roles and let the patriarchy win another second.

A change for you not putting up with fhis crap is another step in women being treated corrrectly and fairly, not succumbing to patriarchal roles.

If he really is your best friend and the other lovely things you said he is, I think you need to sit him down and point out exactly what you have told us. Then ask him for his take on it- laid out like that does he think it’s fair or right? Does he see why you are becoming resentful of his behaviour? Is there something else going on for him?

Eating well can still leave us depleted of certain nutrients so I would certainly encourage him to get a Well Man or at least see the GP for blood tests. He might be coeliac or something.

He also, and this is more important, needs to see that you are in serious danger of burnout and that can have devastating effects. He needs to be that supportive partner to you and not insist on being treated like another child (wandering around in PJs while you do all the chores, WTF!!).

My OH and I can get into a spiral of competitive tiredness and I find it incredibly frustrating- just because I am tired doesn’t negate his tiredness! But it does mean we might both need to make more compromises. Anyway, lots of sympathy to you- I hope you can work this out.