Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

He sounds like a stroppy teenager and you're his mum. He needs to get a grip and start pulling his weight.

Fucking hell, reread what you've written and then read what @SensibleSigma has said. A couple of time. The man's a dick and you're enabling him with you self-sacrificial bullshit. You're both as bad as each other. Those hugs had better been worth it because he's a selfish arse.

Are you my friend? Her husband is like this. He went to bed for 2 weeks both times she had her kids. I am struggling to socialise with them as his selfishness is infuriating and my friends pandering of it has meant I’ve lost respect for her.

OP - my advice - grow a back bone and tell him no more.

How is his sleep hygiene? timing of caffeine and exercise, activities before bed etc.

I mean he should really be looking into this himself, nothing you’ve said suggests he can’t.

I can’t get over that you work until 4 or 5am sometimes because he does nothing around the house. If you were in one of my teams, I’d be having a serious wellbeing chat and asking you to stop doing that.

He sounds like he isn’t tiring himself out enough! If he was sorting the kids and doing chores in the evening he’d be more ready for a good sleep at 10pm.

but none of that excuses you doing the bulk of the "wifework"
So first of all: drop the rope.
Second: tell him (don't make the appointment for him) to go to the doc, get a checkover check B vitamins, Thyroid all the usual.

then make him take over 50% of the family stuff, or just leave it.

Because if you don't do that, and you still adore him, you can't complain because you are doing it to yourself.

Harsh? probably. But you need to hear it, OP

Does he snore? If so maybe ask him to get checked for sleep apnoa.

What a truly horrible selfish waste of space that loser husband of yours is.

I feel so sorry for your children who will see clearly the toxic dynamic of their home.
Dad a lazy selfish miserable waste of space who does nothing for anyone.
Mum run ragged and close to burn out trying to do it all, until she collapses.

You are modelling a complete skivvy to your children that doesn't have one ounce of self value, self respect, self esteem, self love.

That is what your children are learning watching the two of you.

They would be better off if he wasn't around.
He serves absolutely no purpose.

Your children will carry his selfish misery with them for their adult lives.
They will see it clearly and absorb it.

Apologies if that sounds harsh but you need to wake up to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship where you are being used as a work horse by a man who doesn't give a damn about you or your children.

....and you call it love!🙄

Where did you learn about love?
Whst was your background like that you think this is love?
Do you want your life for your children?

Start thinking about your children and what they see every day....cos that is their future.

You both deserve so much better than this.

Being bored and not having anything to do breeds tiredness. I presume he literally has no responsibilities on returning from work- and if you are constantly busy doing everything then he is just going to be waiting for the day to end. Put him to work, give him stuff to do. If he keeps moaning then give him a weekend doing a day in your shoes. If he still complains then push him to the doctors and don't take no for an answer.

Hello, thank you for reaching out for advise, sometimes that can be the hardest part.

I will say it from a man's perspective.
So I think a good resolution for you both.
Would be to find a hobby you both like to do.
Ie swimming or badminton etc. I think he is always tired because he is lazy and doesn't have the energy, but you need to build up energy.
Doing something fun you both enjoy, could help.
I know you're thinking "he's tired before any exercise, so he'll be even more tired" at first yes. Once you do it consistently (even once a week). You'll notice he will have more energy.

It's either that or sorry to say, but he's bored.
He goes to bed ( but not to sleep ) because he wants to be on his own.

Try cuddling up on the sofa, try taking a shower together, try finding a decent series to watch (new Amsterdam) is brilliant btw.

The more you do for him, the more he'll expect.
Do the opposite.

I hope this helps.
Ryan

I'm glad you're putting this back on him, because at this point that is all you can do. From now on, every time he moans about needing more sleep you need to remind him that when you've tried to arrange this for him he spent the time instead wandering around in PJs watching you working. If need be, tell him that unless and until he does something about this for himself you aren't interested.

And do try to arrange some "me time". It sounds like you're doing all the heavy lifting in your family, and you should really arrange a few relaxing days out - or even in.

thanks. we don't need a man's perspective here or are you OPs husband?

She doesn't have time for "cuddling up on the sofa" she is doing ALL THE WORK.

"Either do something about it or stop complaining. I'm tired too, in fact I'm exhausted." See if he shows any concern for you.

Right now what he's doing is working just great for him. He gets to lay around as much as he wants, he's got a wife who's tying herself in knots to make life as easy as possible for him, while running herself into the ground and, no doubt, children who will learn to avoid him as they grow up as he is always grumpy and has no energy to play with them.

Unless there is a medical reason, he is not the kind caring man you describe.

If he's going to be tired and grumpy anyway, why can't he help with the house and the children? I just cannot see a man who does fuck all and accepts you working at 4 and 5am and believe he has any consideration for you.

Glad to hear your update - he's either depressed or he's low on iron or something, it's unacceptable. Hearing someone complain constantly is terribly wearing on your mh, and the mh of the family in general.

Yeah in light of you saying he looks tired tell him to go to the doctors or stop complaining about it. Start a moan box if you have to where he puts £1/fiver in every time he complains of being tired until he goes.

It’s possible he has low iron / anemia, or something more serious - which if he doesn’t get sorted is inconsiderate to you and the children, if not himself!

Men can be notoriously shite at going to the doctors, they hate their masculinity being questioned but it’s pretty pathetic they’re too scared to go.

I think tiredness is code for depression here. My DH keeps saying he’s tired but I know he’s stressed and burnt out due to a traumatic work situation that will resolve before Xmas.

I would book a GP appointment and force him there- escorting him. If he isn’t willing to go then I would really consider my future with him. It’s been an issue for DH and I in the past- nothing more frustrating than someone who won’t take action to improve their health. Your DH could be depressed, low in vitamin D, anaemic etc. But he needs to own his health and get it looked into.

You make time for each other

I can't stand people who moan about something continually but never do anything to resolve it. And I can't stand people who are grumpy all the time. It's so selfish inflicting that on others. He sounds insufferable

Ok I’m just going to make one key point here.

He needs to cop on, big time, before you hit the menopause. Because at that point Mrs Smiley I Adore Him is going to have those scales fall quicker than you can say RIGHTEOUS FURY and he will find himself divorced so fucking fast his head will spin.

You need to cop on to this too. Show him this post. Give him a massive kick up the arse and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to see a doctor, see his privilege, and start seeing what a dick he is being and how much he’s taking for granted.

Your not talking about tiredness and therefore not starting competitive tiredness is advice that could be given to all new parents! Bloody well done!

Those saying he is depressed is an excuse for misogyny. He has time to go to the gym. If so depressed, he wouldn't go do stuff like that.

So it's just another misogynistnsympathiser excuse so op the woman continues to do everything.

What Bout if op becomes depressed. Then what?

gosh yes!

He already goes to the gym.
. By himself, for hours... leaving op to do housework. Or did you miss that part?
Absolute misogyny at its finest. Why should op find the solutions when doing all the work already?