Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

He sounds a bit of a man child tbh OP

OP do you think you deserve to be happy? Or are you sacrificing yourself on the altar of marriage? If you didn’t work outside the home and just was the homemaker/ child slave then I get prioritising his sleep but if you have no other time to make it up what is going to happen to you and your health? Impact of lack of sleep is physical.

if you can sleep in at weekends and he doesn’t want to then that might be the split- he gets extra sleep weekdays and you get lies in at weekends.

he does need to get checked out though. It’s not normal. I do go to bed early at times but I have menopausal disruptive sleep and a chronic condition.

He needs to get a grip and stop being so pathetic. I’m saying this gently . …. you need to get a grip too and stop facilitating his behaviour.

Second this one too 👌🏼

Also, maybe some vitamins. Chronic tiredness is a thing if not eating properly/getting the nutriments needed to daily function.

Glad to read you've had an epihany, OP - have you had a conversation with the selfish man child yet?

How anyone can love a man who will let them work til 5am in the morning because they are ‘twired’ and won’t do their fair share is beyond me. He does not love you the way you love him. You can’t love him better. Some people are empty cups and you cannot fill them however hard you try to with your endless love, it will simply pour into them until you have nothing left to give. Save your love for yourself and your dc. Match his energy and give him what he gives you - I bet that will open both your eyes very quickly. I’m so angry for you op that he’s taking advantage of your good nature!

The phrase “you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” seems to apply here. Does he actually mean “I want your attention” and gets something out of your suggestions, help etc?

my DP goes through tired/grumpy phases. After a lot of pandering/cajoling I realised it was making him worse and I had to drop the rope for my own sake - strangely he massively improved when he realised he’d get snapped back at if he snapped at me or told “well, do what you need to…” etc. it was like removing the attention helped the situation. I’d cheerfully put the problem back to him “oh dear, well let me know if there’s something I can do!”. I found it easy to get into a strange dynamic where I saw everything as something I had to fix.

it honestly sounds like you do a totally vast amount and staying up working till 4/5 am is crazy. It sounds like you’re really carrying him and have done/suggested everything you possibly can to help. I’d just switch to reiterating that you’ll leave it to him to let you know if you can do something. And try and think of your own needs a bit too - you’re important (tbh it sounds like more important than him just now in terms of what you do for your family!).

the other thing that can help is just saying “do you just want a bit of a rant or is there something I can do?”. If you’re trying to fix it and he just wants a sympathetic ear, it’ll be frustrating for both of you.

eta I posted before I’d read all your latest posts and think you’re definitely on the right track with not taking responsibility to make him happy.

Could he possibly have a sleep disorder such as sleep apnea? I do, very recently diagnosed, and I'm always exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. It affects my mood, my thinking, everything.
Now mind you, I do my fair share of housework, childcare, dog care so he should be participating. But from my own experience there's been times I almost couldn't function - I'd have to take a nap or else I'd fall asleep/cry/have a breakdown almost.
I know u said he is resisting getting checked out, but if you can watch him while he sleeps - if he stops breathing repeatedly then he could have it and it could make a huge difference to him if he gets diagnosed and treated

Different people need different amounts of sleep.
Dh can go to bed at 4am and be up at 9am all week full of the joys of spring as long as he gets a lie in once a week.

I can't do that. I need to get 8 hours or I feel dreadful and may well get a migraine. I've been like this for nearly 30 years now after having glandular fever. Before I had it, I could do less sleep like dh does.

So I'm often tired, much more than dh because I get up at 7:30am, and so need to really be in bed by 10:30pm, and things very easily disrupt this, not least sabotage by me!
I also sometimes nap at the weekends, 2-3 hours on a weekend afternoon makes me feel much better. Dh can't nap, or at any rate it doesn't help him.

There are times when it's been great that dh is like this - children doing school trips leaving at 4am, vomiting at 2am etc. He does those as default. But I have to say I do envy him. I'd love the luxury of reading happily in bed for a couple of hours or finishing watching a film I've started, but I know I will regret it in the morning.

How can you love someone ‘endlessly’ who’s like a dark cloud on your life & won’t take the necessary actions to right this? You say you’ve been together twenty years. Has he always been this way? Personally, having to continually gee someone up, suggest medical intervention, studying to gain a new job, while living with ongoing grumpiness would be exhausting to me. I’d be expecting behavioural change or I’d be looking to change my marital status …

Sorry to say this but it does seem like both of you may be the issue here. IMO.

From my own experience it sound's like your DH is suffering from a bit of depression. Rather than go full out and suggest counselling personally I found Able Futures to be quite light touch. It does mean he needs to take a step to contact them but as a tax payer you get 6 months free support. I can't compare them to a standard councillor but I found it useful and worth tabling with him. For me it took my partner to say something which helped take some sort of action.

On the flip side, I think you are also enabling the behaviour/feelings by doing everything. Obviously I don't know you and please don't take this personally but the post does read a bit like martyrdom. IMO you should be seeking a more balanced approach to homelife/childcare as it gives purpose and focus. If he can't handle that then that's a more serious chat but pandering to his general behaviour and not challenging it isn't really helping either of you. You will end up resenting him and that love you have will diminish.

My ex husband was always tired, he would come in from work and be asleep every night by 9 pm, weekends he'd lie in and take naps. Even the day we moved house whilst everyone was rushing round he disappeared for a nap. I work shifts and often run on minimum sleep, like OP just got on with it. One of the reasons we split up was I had a light bulb moment and realised he was neurodiverse (a medicated ADHD son confirms my theory was probably right). He still refuses to consider this is a possibility and living on different wave lengths threw a lot of other obstacles into the marriage He has a very responsible demanding job, I realised he was probably masking all day to look "normal", I've since learnt masking can sap every ounce of energy from a person and think this was the reason he was so tired, combined with a lack of empathy towards my life meant he never even considered that I might like to be afforded the same luxury of early nights, lie ins and naps.

Sounds like he needs to get some exercise to give him some energy. Agree he also sounds a right pain in the cock. Stop doing stuff for him-he’s an adult!

I got really angry on your behalf reading this OP

You are taking martyrdom to the extreme and also forcing it on your kids (you've offered to move abroad so he can be happy?). It's insane to work through the night while he stops at 5, so you can do absolutely everything.

A kind and fair person wouldn't consistently just chill in the evening while their other half did absolutely everything. Why on earth is he happy for you to do his share of chores, childcare, cooking etc? If he is genuinely tired why is he recognising that being so tired that you can't so any normal adult or parent activities outside work is not at all normal? Why wouldn't he be doing his best to investigate it and sort it to lessen the impact on you? I think you've got so used to solving his problem for him that he has actually lost all agency and is happy being treated like a child.

Stop enabling him, and tell him he needs to sort himself out and start contributing if he wants your marriage to work

Another martyr to a mediocre man. Why do so many women do this to themselves? Bond at molecular level with selfish, boring, lazy arseholes. The outpouring of discontent immediately counteracted with "but I love him" as if that somehow makes the appalling behavior insignificant in the grand scheme.

Why do women attach so tightly to mediocre men and excuse them everything? Why do men get away with offering so little? Is it really hormones? I know from experience that, post menopause, women generally stop taking any crap and loads of women are now divorcing in their later years - the scales having finally fallen from their eyes.

I'm genuinely interested in the reasons as there are so many threads like this - a woman flogging herself to keep a man happy - oceans running down the drain.

That was my exact thought!!!

when you constantly put him first you constantly put yourself second and give him the message that it’s fine to treat you this way. Stop it!!!

How old is he? Since turning forty, a few years ago, I found that I was always tired. It didn't matter how much sleep I had or if I napped in the day, always tired. Dropping off on buses, boats, sofas, everything.
And the snoring... My wife would say it sounds like I'm choking.

Long story short, it's sleep apnoea. Not bad, but bad enough to warrant referral for a mouthguard.

Get him to see the GP. Severe apnoea can lead to all sorts, including heart conditions, stroke and much more.

He os thinking why would I do more when I can just not because she will do it?

His life is easier than if he was single.

Really think about that. A loving man doesn't let you run yourself ragged.

You need to schedule A Serious Talk. Because if this goes on one of two things will happen. If he has an untreated health issue it will get worse. If he's simply grumpy and negative it will cast a longer and longer shadow over yours and the DCs lives. So. The Talk. I'd suggest you tell him you can't continue like this and that he needs to book a GP appointment. If that comes back clear he needs to make lifestyle changes so he is happier and has more energy. Tell him you love him but can't sit back watching him neglect to explore a potential health issue and that his behaviour is making you extremely miserable. If he loves and cares for you as much as you believe, he will go along with this.

@RunFreeLiveHappy if he refuses to go to doctor for tests then maybe tell him to take iron tablets or other medication to help with fatigue

Sounds tricky. Sorry to hear about your migraines.

DH does think he 'needs' more sleep than me. But in his case I'm not so sure. Before we had children we both slept the same amount and at the same times. There was no sense then that one of us needed more or less sleep than the other.

When our first child was born is when he started to say he 'needs' more sleep. When baby woke in the night I had to get up and feed him because I had no choice. DH could just sleep through it all, but a breastfeeding mum can't do that. It was at this time the idea that I am somehow super-human and can function on no sleep, whereas he 'needs' his, took root in his head. I think it was to justify to himself the discrepancy in hours sleep we were both getting, so he didn't feel like crap!

I absolutely do need the same amount as my DH and I do think if he "had" to have less sleep he'd survive (so if he was a woman and actually had had to get up and breastfeed when the babies were little, I don't think he'd have keeled over and died! He'd have managed, like I had to!).

Thing is, once you get used to functioning on little sleep, I guess you can continue. In my case it's always been me getting up in the night to attend to children, dogs or whatever. It just started that way from the baby nights and has progressed. I am a lighter sleep. I do believe that. He does sleep more soundly. But then, I'm pretty sure i'm.only a light sleeper because I learnt to listen out for my babies and attend to them I the night. I was never a light sleeper before children.

In terms of things like migraines - DH never gets these. I am v migraine prone and lack of sleep is on of my triggers! So the migraine thing is not a problem for DH.

He does look tired all the time, but I haven't noticed him to wake in the night (I am frequently awake in the night, so I'd notice!! No snoring either!)

I just think he doesn't really know what true tiredness is. If he did, he'd take the opportunity to go to bed early when it's presented, he'd take naps when offered, he'd lie in when he has a chance.

He's "tired" all the time but I think if he stepped into my world for a week he'd soon realise what actual tiredness is.

Sounds insufferable and sexist - you’re a woman - you can cope. Let him look after the dogs FGS and kids at wknd and holidays - why is he letting it all fall to you?

The current situation benefits him in some way or else he would be taking steps to change it.

Many people like to moan but have no intention of changing. They enjoy sounding off to people around them. I suspect you husband is like this and that he likes the care and concern from you, albeit it might be unconscious.

Unfortunately it means you're enabling him, even with the best of intentions. Without changing approach and refusing to give him what he craves (attention) he won't change his behaviour. He needs to be called up on it and not pandered to. Enablers often burn out and there's good reasons why!

@op

How do you feel about the fact that lack of sleep affects health?

You will affect your health.