Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

It may not work for everyone but it works for us! It’s a given that we are both tired, with the amount if sleep we get we both are, but I think complaining about tiredness just leads to the “you can’t be tired as tired as me I did the 2am feed” or the “you can’t be tired because I did the 4am wake up and the washing up” etc etc! It would never stop! We are both tired, but we’re also very understanding of the fact we’re both tired and this is just a season of our lives when long sleeps and lie ins aren’t for us, we’ll get them back one day and miss the midnight cuddles! (I tell myself after 3 hours of broken sleep all night😂).

I cannot get over this mansplaining and the misogyny in this post hahaha irs absolutely unreal, op take no notice of this guy.

You are enabling his bullshit!
This is such nonsense.
I am livid for you, because I don’t think you are livid enough!

I would completely ignore him every time he says he’s tired. It’s a habit. He needs to pull his weight in your family life.

My OH has a medical condition which means that they do need a lot more sleep than most people. But they took the trouble to go to the doctor and get themselves diagnosed to help us both understand it.

That needs to happen.

Why is it her job to pull the space time continuum out of her arse and create extra time instead of his job to stop being a selfish bastard putting himself first when he could take loads off her plate by just being an equal fucking partner and parent?

Did you miss the post where OP says her DH cycles to and from work and also goes to the gym a couple of times a week? Why would he have no energy when he's physically active on a daily basis?
And why are you doing precisely what OP's DH is doing i.e. making this her problem to solve?

him: I'm so tired

you: so what are you going to do about it then?

REPEAT EVERYTIME.

Stop trying to solve all his problems, push it back to him. You're not his mum, you're not his maker, you're not his problem solver. He's meant to be a partner, an equal contributor. He's not.

So what are you going to do about it then?

Oh I would love to! I have suggested multiple times that we move to a smaller property, or a cheaper quieter location, or abroad, or anything really so he can relax and be happy. It's all met with 'no'. He will not change anything.

And in writing that just now I have had a major epiphany! Shit. I used to always tell my mum to move, downsize etc.. anything to be more relaxed and less stressed (she was always stressed out (mainly about money as a single mum). I suffered abuse as a result. I wanted her to just relax and be happy). I cannot believe I am trying to change my husband and get him to be happy, in the same way I did with my mum! My mum never took any advice or suggestions. My husband isn't either. I need to do something different. Can't believe I'm repeating this pattern with my husband. Shit!!

Just a quick thanks to everyone who posted. I have read ALL the posts on this thread and it's all been very very helpful. I'm sorry I haven't replied individually to every post, but every post has been quite eye opening and helpful! Thank you.

There will be some changes (once I figure how I also need to change first and become a little more assertive and a bit less of a doormat!) I don't want my wonderful children to be exposed to the grumpiness anymore (DH also has moments of insight and not wanting to be grumpy - so we might make a moan/grumpy box! and I will v much make sure a GP visit happens soon). I also don't want my children to see that I have to try and keep the peace, do everything ... etc..

I will make some changes (but I do love him, so it's definitely not divorce (at least until menopause hits!!))

The epiphany had to come first OP and you're now obviously thinking much more clearly so best of luck moving forward. (BTW, I don't think this was ever a "LTB" scenario - much more a "he needs to give his head a wobble"! 😂)

This is hard, it sounds like my husband at times, the grumpiness is more from stress combined with tiredness but I feel the same as you, this is our lives, if we can't find a way to enjoy the many joyful little moments inside it, then what's the point?
He does actually make the effort to make changes himself but often reverts back to grumpiness and I have to remind him I don't want to live with that or have our child subjected to his miserable attitude.
It's a cycle, some days are better than others but I've been much less supportive than you and read him the riot act about it previously and he's significantly better than before so perhaps forcing your husband to take more responsibility will help.

Agree with 'finding a way to enjoy the many joyful little moments'. My dh is a constant misery about life with small children. Sometimes he has an hour or two of hyper 'fun' but not happiness, contentment. It pisses me off so much when all he can be is 'life with a baby is awful isn't it', 'well that's just the way it is now isn't it, hopefully it'll get better as they grow' and I'm like I did actually want these children, and I like them, stop wishing our actual lives away.

This man is taking the absolute piss out of you OP and teaching your children that it is ok for the man of the house to contribute fuck all whilst the wife runs herself ragged picking up his slack.

Hmm I'm sure I'd feel warm and loving and huggy towards my spouse too if they made my life as pampered as you make his!

I'm cynical maybe but I'm wondering if his constant "im tired" refrain is actually just male entitlement and he really means "I don't want to do anything around the house, you can do it because you're just the woman and I'm more important and I'll let keep repeating myself so you don't forget your rightful place".

A few posters have suggested depression. If that's the cause then I take back my harsh words above. But HE needs to take action to resolve it rather than have you enabling him to repeat the vicious circle. I agree with those saying "sorry to hear you are tired again, what are you going to do about it?". And if he's saying he needs an early night but won't actually go to bed, hand him the dustpan and brush and tell him he might as well be useful and tired rather than useless and tired.

I'm obviously a horrible wife. If my husband yawns and says he's tired I say firmly "well go to bed then dear". It's what my plain speaking mother used to say to me when i lived at home. He now says the same to me and we laugh about it. There's no pandering in this house!

I do love him endlessly

Why the fuck do you love him ‘endlessly’?

You’re going without so he can have everything. You do everything so he can do nothing. You’re depriving yourself of rest and any kind of joy to try to make this insufferable, selfish man happy. And how much does he appreciate it and you? Not one fucking jot.

I think you need top open your eyes, OP.

Love him endlessly! WTF!

My daughter speaks very frankly to me.
She uses me as her sounding board as she is private and on the spectrum.
She has repeated what her good friends parents marriages are like and it was eye opening to hear how clued in kids are to the dynamics of their parents marriages.

OP, your children may not have the full emotional capacity to verbalise the toxic dynamics of your family life and marriage, but they will.
They will carry it and they will inevitably talk to friends about theif selfish misery of a father, and their worn out, old before her time mother.

I really hope you can find the bravery to think beyond your "love"🙄....for this twat you thinks so little of you and your children.
He couldn't care less about those around them, or his children's childhood.
I don't understand the appeal to women of men who couldn't give a damn about their own children.
Simply don't get it.

Op I could have written this all a year ago, although I'm not as nice as you. I've now got to the point of sheer anger that he's happy to let me hold up the whole household even though I'm struggling. I've realised how much energy I've been putting into trying to make him happy over the years and now I'm putting that energy into me. You know he won't go to the doctor as he knows they will say nothing is wrong with him and he's probably depressed. I've also tried to be patient and kind but god it's ground me down now and if he won't help himself why the should I. I do love him and do want him to be happy but I've stopped facilitating him, give him jobs to do, tell him how he needs to help and do accept no. I'm his wife not his mother

Bath and in pj's by 8.30pm? Give him a bottle and blankie to take to bed next time. He either has sleep apnea or is just a big baby.

Op, kindly, if you are willing to love someone endlessly, get therapy.

There SHOULD be a limit otherwise you're basically saying it doesn't matter how shit he treats you or if he manipulates you or abuses you, your cup of love is never empty for him and he keep can keep on sipping.

It's not healthy. Love shouldn't be unconditional. It should have boundaries and those boundaries should be respected.

I wonder if some people were raised to feel like victims. Poor me, I'm so tired, if I look exhausted maybe someone will save me. And then there's you, the saviour. I wouldn't say he's happy being miserable but he sounds comfortable in it. And people need to want to change for themselves.

Someone can still have a medical condition and low energy and cycle to work plus work out. But I agree the mismatch here in responsibilities is huge.

IKR. She's already doing everything with the kids and the house so he can loaf, but somehow she has to manage to do even more for him.
Unbelievable.

Honestly you need to tell him to grow and pull his weight without moaning!!

💛💐🙂

Get him some floradix.