Husband always says he's tired... (Rant..)

[RunFreeLiveHappy]

I adore my DH. But for years he's moaned daily that he's 'soooo tired'. He's right. He is tired. So am I. He's also very grumpy, because he's tired.

But....I'm a bit sick of it!

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all - sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)

I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about it, so I get on with it, smile and just cope. I hate grumpiness. I make an effort to be happy even when I'm tired and always smile and make time for DH and our children. DH is just always a tired grump and so bloody self absorbed and miserable.

I have made so many suggestions - I've suggested we move to a cheaper house so he can work less, move abroad where he could b more relaxed, I offered to pay for an MSc for him (he could pay for it himself but he's really tight so I know he wouldn't) so he could fulfill his passion and leave his busy job, etc... But he doesn't want to make any big changes so here we are continuing to live an exhausting life like many others. Fair enough. Let's just enjoy it then.. we are blessed with a nice home, gorgeous children, let's be happy and make the most of what we have if DH doesn't want to change anything..

However, I don't want to hear him complain about his tiredness anymore and I want him to stop being sooo grumpy.

He gets at least 8 hours sleep a night (often more). More than me. He sleeps through the night almost every night (can't remember when I last managed to do that). But apparently his body 'needs more' sleep than most people. He has opportunity to lie in every Sunday, but he won't. He says he has to go to bed early and can't lie in.

I have suggested multiple times he visits the doctor in case he has a medical problem or is lacking a vitamin etc.. but he won't go.

Yesterday I offered to work out the children's bedtimes and our evening routines etc.. so that I can do all or most of the evening routine and he can go to bed 8:30pm to 8:45pm at least 3 times a week, every week moving forward (I'll be going to bed about midnight every night but apparently an 8:30pm bedtime is what he needs)

Tonight I did everything. DH had a relaxing bath and was in his pjs by 8:30pm. I said 'you can go to bed now I have everything sorted'. He said thanks, said he would go to bed, but as I was reading to youngest he was hovering around. Finally youngest went to bed. I sat in kitchen waiting for oldest to come in at 9:45 from an activity. When he got home, DH was still wandering around. I'm like 'I've done everything tonight so you can go to bed. Can you please just go to bed?' eventually he did. But if I'd known he was gonna be up until after 10, he could have helped with stuff, waited up for DC. What is the point of me offering to do everything so he can go to bed, if he's just gonna wander around???

Tomorrow he'll moan he's sooo tired because he couldn't have an early night. Yet I went out of my way to make it easy for him to go to bed by 8:30pm. He was in his pjs for god sake. All he had to do was get into bed and switch off the light and he'd have got the early night he apparently neeeeeeeeds soooooo much.

I despair. He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

Grrr... Rant over. I do love him endlessly but if I have a problem I try and solve it. If I can't solve it, I accept it and just get on with it. Whereas he just moans and does nothing to help himself.....

I so desperately want DH to be happy, not grumpy and not tired. But there is nothing more I can do. I know I just have to accept the fact he's always going to moan and be grumpy and complain of tiredness, but I don't know if I can live with that for years more.

AIBU to be fed up and sad there is nothing i can do to ease my DHs tiredness and grumpiness :(

Weaponised fatigue.

A kind, gentle, warm man who loves you probably wouldn't be happy with you working through to 4-5 am so you can do the bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, and cook the dinner etc. If he had any sense, in those circumstances he'd shut up about how tired he is and how he specially needs more sleep. In fact, I think I'd be kicking this selfish Rip Van Winkle out.

I have a somewhat pressured job and have occasionally have had to work through the night when something had to go out. In those circumstance my husband would cook and look after things so I could do this and bring me coffee in bed in the morning and breakfast too. I can tell you that it gets harder to do as you get older and doing it for a long period (when I had a nightmare job where people worked insane hours) means that you start to lose judgement and your work does suffer. Except for a few very rare people, you will get ill and rundown with this while he has 8 plus hours a night. This is not sustainable. I suspect his 8:30 pm bedtimes are a way of getting out of work and childcare. It is not empowering to envision yourself as an Amazonian powering through while putting up with a whining shirker - it's just stupid.

I think you need to stop trying to fix this for him. Stop doing the bulk of the work. Start expecting him to pull his weight. And when he complains just say “Don’t complain to me about it. Work out what you need to make it better and tell me the plan. Until then, suck it up like everyone else.”

He may be depressed or it may just have become habit, or it may be something else. But I doubt what he really needs is more sleep because he gets plenty and he’s had opportunities for more and that doesn’t really fix it. So stop buying into this idea that you can make things better by taking his workload away from him. It’s not making him better and it’s probably slowly killing you.

Does he snore op?
Could he have sleep apnoea?
If so he will be tired even on a seemingly good nights sleep.

He's neither kind nor gentle if he's sitting back and letting you do everything whilst having an 8.30pm bedtime and whining that's he's tired.

Being tired is a fact of life for most of us. If you are more tired than you can cope with, you see a doctor and/or take the opportunity for an early night when it arises. People who won't do either of those things are looking for sympathy and attention.

Tell him he either goes to the Gp for blood tests (iron b12 folic vitamin d thyroid) or he pulls his weight and stops moaning. Give him an ultimation.

You need to stop enabling this situation too.

Good Grief, he sounds utterly insufferable. What a dickhead. He isn’t a lovely kind man if he’s happy to sit back and watch you do everything, and not even try and help himself. You need a dramatic change of direction, as others have said.

I have this but to a much lesser extent than you. Also we have a young baby and DH does a good amount of house work. However I do all night wakings. I wasn't saying DH can't be tired but the grumpiness was what bothered me.

Honestly you're now at the point of doing too much for him. Though well intentioned he's basically like a kid whose parents do all the housework and he's spoilt. He may also be depressed or bored.

I'd take a step back and set clear boundaries. Say I do not accept x y z grumpy behaviour. I appreciate parents are tired but i we can talk about something else. Don't ask him how he is every day.

Stop going the extra mile so he can get an early night which it looks like he doesn't want. I've been there too but if he actually wants one he can do housework first too like you would or he can pick things up in the morning.

But do talk seriously about why he's unhappy or demotivated and what he wants from life. Then ask and leave him to sort it out. See what happens.

Sorry OP but he sounds a right bore. I can’t bear people who moan and whine and do nothing themselves to help their situation - can he really be that tired? Sounds like just normal life but he revels in the one who is always tired. What would you say if you had a calm heart to heart and said you can’t continue living like this? Do the kids notice his grumpiness?

Thanks

Like the first poster you’ve completely nailed what I was going to say 👍🏻

It's a good question if the kids notice the grumpiness. It's so common to have a grumpy dad isn't it and it's just one of those things. But if mum is grumpy someone would pick up on that and worry about the kids.

If dad is grumpy they'll probably bypass him and just ask mum.

So what the fuck does he want you to do?

Youve literally offered to do ANYTHING and he wants nothing to change?

Man’s a dick. Just wants to vent and clearly doesn’t value your physical or emotional stresses. What about what your body ‘needs’ Why does his out trump yours FFS?

The fact he’s moaning he needs more sleep - you’ve facilitated that at an extra burden to yourself - and he’s chosen to deliberately squander it and rub that in your face - AND STILL MOAN!?! He could have gone to bed and listened to a podcast so his body in need of more sleep than normal
ppl would have been rested - he’s just proved that he DOESN’T need more sleep or it would have been an involuntary act as soon as he switched off the light - which you say he didn’t even attempt to do.

He doesn’t seem all that lovely if he knows you’re knackered yourself but literally watched you running around to accommodate him, without lifting a finger then didn’t even have the grace to go to bed - which is what the fucker was complaining about! Am I missing something?

He clearly doesn’t care if you’re tired and selfishly adding to your load to make you more tired does he. Why is that do you think?

It sounds more like he can’t be arsed with family life and likes the concern and attention of his doting wife agreeing that he’s different from everybody else and deserves a half 8 bedtime. Do you have a spare bedroom? Maybe with a bunk bed 🙄

He just does not help himself at all. It's like he enjoys being a grumpy tired sod.

You've put your finger on it. What he enjoys about it is you doing everything and making a big fuss over him. It's good to be King. He wants these privileges and he's using alleged fatigue to get them. If he was really that miserable, he'd do something about it. He'd go to bed when he says he needs to. He'd see a doctor. He'd have taken one of your other suggestions. But no, he is dead set on remaining this way, and it's because he wants you to coddle him as a form of control and dominance over you. He's dominating everything you do, for goodness sake. Your whole life seems to be devoted to making things easier for him. So this is coercive control done in a passive aggressive way. As far as you know there is no genuine medical problem and if he thought there was, he would get it seen to. So I'm calling bullshit on him and so should you.
Stop accepting this lopsided arrangement where you have 90% of all the responsibilities including responsibility for his own health and welfare. He is a grown man and he needs to sort it out and treat you as an equal. If you finally put your foot down and insist he change his ways, but he still refuses a relationship of equal adults, refuses any medical intervention or any other solution, you know where you stand and it's going to underneath his thumb forever if you stay. You must decide from there if this exhausting way of life is going to be acceptable to you in the future. It sounds like it isn't.

I would suggest OP that you show him this thread. Not just your posts, but all the replies too. Once he sees you're a fecking saint compared to all the rest of us who would have read him the riot act by now, he might appreciate you more and stop whining! 😉

LTB

If he is tired when he gets that much sleep, he is either depressed or has some kind of other health issue.

We both work in busy jobs. Earn a similar wage. Contribute equally to bills etc.. I do bulk of childcare (and all the dog walking and dog care) and arrange my work day around it all -sometimes working through the night til 4am or 5am so I can take kids to school, pick up, take to clubs, walk the dogs, cook the dinner etc.. (I'm lucky to have a flexible job which involves lots of wfh)*

Will probably be an unpopular opinion but if I had a partner and had to do all of that plus work a job as well, I'd get rid and be single. Because what's the actual point? No man is worth this level of hard work. What's so lovely about an entitled grump? & grumpy men are so tedious, all the whinging is off-putting.

You're overworked and you'll knacker yourself out until you're fit for nothing, and I bet when that happens he'll find a new lease of life. Possibly not with you - because I can't imagine for a moment he'd hang around to look after you

This is NOT an issue of exhaustion op.

The issue is he has turned into a whiny man child and is clearly expecting to be indulged as one. WTAF! He was put into his PJs after a bath at 8.30pm after whining like a 3year old! He is a grown man.

You need to get tough.
Stop listening to his grumpiness, shut it down immediately. Do not give him nights off, or pander to this crap. He either steps up or ships out.

You have a 3/4 child on your hands op, and he is dragging you down.

You are going to burn out so quickly carrying him as well. Please think of yourself- you are not his mother.

I'd leave.

Respect and love yourself enough to know this man is showing you he doesn't care that you're tired too. He doesn't care that you have to make yourself fit into the right shape every day to facilitate him and his children. He doesn't care that you're probably stressed. He doesn't care that the long term effects of stress are physical, like hypertension which just leads to more issues like insomnia, risk of blood clots, risk of strokes, risk of aortic aneurism, risk of heart attack, anxiety, depression. He doesn't care that you're sometimes up till 5am. He doesn't care that his choices have a bigger impact on you than they do on him.

He does not have any respect for you.

And all he has to do to keep you doing this is give you warm hugs, and offer a listening ear every now and then.

Do not be a mug, OP. He is manipulating you, and you're falling for it. He does not care about you. He cares that he needs to keep his maid, bank roller, nanny, therapist, mother service bot in check otherwise he would have to start being self sufficient and then when that happens he will blame it on you and not his lack of personal accountability as an equal partner in this relationship.

Think about it. If he was not "tired" or depressed or whatever, and all his woes and ails were fixed, he'd have to start doing things wouldn't he? Why would he give that up?

Be mad. Be fucking furious. He is killing you to keep himself warm.

You're mothering him OP.

I used to do this with my ex until it was pointed out to me at a friend's house.

It was about 9.30 in the evening, enjoying myself with friends when ex phoned and asked me to come home.
He was "tired" and needed to go to bed (because work in the morning, blah blah)
Couldn't go to bed without me because he couldn't sleep unless I was there, blah blah.

I told him to "rest" on the settee until I got home, which would be very soon.

My friends pointedly asked why I was acting like his mother?
I didn't know why? I realised that I was doing it all the time, especially with the "tiredness".

He was using "tiredness" to get out of doing household chores and also to persuade me to come home early.

What a twat!!
And what an idiot I was being. So glad to be rid of him and now have a decent DH with "tiredness" on an equal scale.

Please don't fall for it, OP.
You deserve better.

Just out of interest, when you offered to sort EVRERYTHING to do with parenting, did he at any point say:
No, that's not fair, we are a team
And/or
Okay, but when will you get your downtime, I will do this for you on another evening, how about Thursday
And/or
Oh my god thank you so much, I know I've been overly tired I think I'm going to put in x y z steps to fix it as you shouldn't have to do everything

I'd tell him to start with a medical check up, or you don't want to hear about it because you're tired too. He needs to help himself.

I can sympathise a bit, because some days I'm really struggling (menopause transition) and feel terrible when I can't stay on top as well as I'd like. But at least I'm trying alongside feeling guilty.

I think less sympathy and expect more action from him.