To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

I'd be very disappointed that he hadn't made sure someone got home safe, especially a young woman away from home.

It does sound like the young man himself isn't very emotionally mature either.

You need to teach your daughter that she is responsible for her own safety and getting herself home late at night. If it means she gets a taxi and you pay for it so be it. I agree it’s not nice he left her but that’s what happens now did so 40 years ago when I was a student. Morals have not changed. Your DD will meet some rotters at uni and in life in general. You need to help her be resilient.

I'm sorry, but I do think YABU. This is a confusing tale of assumptions, and hearsay. I also think you're far too over-involved. I know she's just turned 18, but you not sleeping all night feels a bit of an over-reaction. How did you know at the time? If she's contacting you constantly about this too, you need to gently encourage her to not always be using you as her first point of support.
She's a young adult, and you need to adjust your relationship a bit.

I was 17.5 when I went to Uni, and only called home (from the payphone) once a week! I appreciate that this was 25 years ago, but I work in a Uni, and we spend a lot of time stressing the routes of support at the Uni, and also encouraging these young adults to develop independence and resilience in a supported environment. It's anecdotal, but we find the students who are constantly on the phone to parents find it hardest to settle/are most homesick.

In the case of this situation with your daughter, it sounds like this was an undefined situation-ship with this boy. Although it is painful and upsetting for her, from what you've said here, it wasn't a formalised relationship. If her friend knew about your DD's feelings, it's a shitty thing to do to a mate, but life happens, and sadly, I'm sure worse things will happen to her in the name of young men's romantic feelings. I'd be more cheesed off with the other girl, who has definitely broken girl code, if she knew about the developing situationship.
Either way, I hope that this doesn't affect her settling into Uni too much, and she enjoys the experience. It might be the catalyst to her meeting other friendship groups also.

All of my dd’s friends and flatmates (male and female) escort each other home! They always make sure lone females get home safe.

Girls sometimes abandon each other when out clubbing. This is a rite of passage for young people. She will learn who is a good friend and who isn’t by trial and error. This boy is, ultimately neither here nor there.

He isnt responsible for her, no one is. Only she is.

And statistically she is safer than he is (from stranger attacks that is)

Focus on supporting your DD. These are fairly normal problems for an 18 year old at uni to have, I'd also say it's great that you're close enough for her to confide in you!

Let her know she needs to put safety first and must always have money for a taxi/Uber and that you'll pay her back if needed (if you're in a position to do so). Not great form from the guy, but at 18 and after drinking he probably wasn't thinking about it from a safety perspective.

Can you and your other DC help DD develop a wider support network? It's hard if the obvious choice of her flat aren't sociable, but it's really early days! Can she knock on doors of other flats in the building, find a few societies to join, or strike up chats with people doing her subject until she finds her people? And encourage her to seek out campus mental health support if she's struggling. If she's in a city, it can be great to join activity groups (knitting group, run club, or there are loads of girls only social clubs in large cities this year) not affiliated with the uni as well to get a wider perspective so you're not caught up in "must have the time of my life and endless epic nights out, because uni".

Meantime I wouldn't stop your DC sharing what they know, provided they're clear on what's facts/rumour - DD is going to feel betrayed by her 2 closest friends when she finds out and it would be awful to also feel betrayed by her sibling.

She's got a massive crush on a lad and her mum and sister know that he's seeing her best mate.

Instead of telling her what they have heard and encouraging her to forget about them and go out and make new friends, her mum is considering having words with her crushes mum. Fucking mortifying.

You're more in the wrong than he is!

I get you OP. Of course your DD is going to have to navigate heartache but it doesn't make it any easier for us to watch.

I would personally use the night out incident to start planting the seed that boy is not reliable/ not into her / not worth her attention. Just a gentle reminder that "If he really liked you, he would be desperate to walk you home" and "Don't make someone your priority if you are not there priority". Get her to start accepting that he is not that into her. At least then when the news filters down about dating the friend (if this is true), it won't be such a horrible shock?

I think that's all you can do.

And as for boy's mum. You definitely can't be 'pissed off' that he doesn't fancy your daughter, but you can mention that you were disappointed to hear that he let her walk home alone after promising to get her home safely.

They are 18 year olds. If he is an adult at 18, so is she. She has/had a crush on him. It wasn't reciprocated. He preferred her friend. Surely the friend is the one who has done the betraying here? If she is a best friend, she must have known your DD fancied this young man. Seems like she is the disloyal one here.

At 18, going out at uni, they should all know that plans can and do change as a night goes on. He went home with someone else. She needs to be able to have the skills to find an alternative safe approach when needed.

I agree. My dd and her mates still look out for each other though. The lads look after each other too when they’re walking home late! I’m not saying they should rely on that as a cast iron thing, but it is nice that they do that.

I think this is the route of the problem. Your daughter has, by own admission, gone to uni naive / emotionally immature. This man you’re so upset with is just as immature, just in different ways. You’re expecting more of him / being more understanding of your daughter because you love her. It’s unreasonable to expect someone the same age of her to be so much wiser.

thanks for this, this is what I have been doing, because I thought that was the best approach too.

I wanted so badly to say that to my friend, but I knew it would come across badly I wouldn’t be taken well ,so I didn’t

It is nice, absolutely but remember that if the OP's daughter hadn't gone to the same university as her male friend and her best friend, , everyone would be only starting to get to know one another. Loyalties and friendships would still be in their very initial stage. It's best not to rely on them too much until those friendships are more established.

Pretty much everyone has been through unrequited love. It is rubbish. It would have been even worse if my mum had had words with the mother of the object of my unrequited love!

Leaving someone to get home alone is not very nice but happens all the time at university. Your friends get drunk, pull - they're 18, just learning about life and relationships.

Your daughter's friend sounds a bit thoughtless, and I agree with PP that maybe this is the way subtly to introduce the idea that he's not all that. And let your other child tell your daughter what they have heard. She will be upset if she finds out you were both aware and didn't tell her - but you yoyrself have heard it third hand at best.

I agree with this op I’m afraid.

I think it would be wise for you to step back as you shouldn’t be so closely involved in your dd’s friendships or romantic life at this stage.

What you have heard is hearsay anyway and even if it’s correct, I don’t think you should be talking directly to her about it, but just encouraging your dd to strike out alone and be more independent. And obviously be there to support and pick up the pieces if it all goes belly up.

Starting university is a notoriously tumultuous time when old friends and identities are shed and new alliances formed. It can be a bit brutal but it’s totally natural.

I don’t think it’s prudent of your dd to rely on a young freshman to squire her. If she goes out, she needs to have a safe way of getting home independently, because youngsters of that age are hugely fickle and end up meeting people on an evening out and sloping off with them and forgetting who they arrived with. That’s totally normal. Real life is not the same as a teen movie.

I currently have two dds at university and I have sympathy with your concerns because given the state of current sexual politics, there doesn’t seem to be a fair playing field between young women and young men. In other ways though, they are all clueless and terrified!

However, I don’t think it helps to be over-protective of your dd, because ultimately it will give her the message that she can’t handle herself. Next time don’t become so involved. Listen carefully but don’t comment and then say something like “I have every faith in you that you can handle yourself in this situation; I’ll be very interested to know what you have decided to do”.

I understand this is your daughter and you are in a difficult position knowing this but they are both 18. Adults yes but without fully developed brains. He may have indicated he wanted a relationship because he feels awkward saying he doesn't want to date her and is hoping she will just find someone else. 18 year olds are tactless and it doesn't help you and his mum are so close. I think you need to separate the friendship from your kids here and not take what he may or may not have said so personal. Let DDs sister tell her if they are close. Sisters are often best placed to navigate this as are friends. You do not need to bring his mum into this. This is for your daughters to handle and for you to be there with open arms, a cup of tea and biscuits and a good old cry it out film

I agree. Sounds like this boy was a crutch for her to feel secure. That can get old very fast for the person leaned. I do think he should have walked her if he agreed. But maybe this is a good lesson for her to start taking care of herself and not reading more into a situation then exists. The only thing he did wrong was not walk her after saying he would.

i think you are unreasonable. 18 is still an age where really neither sex knows very well what a relationship is. His mother can’t do anything about him, and you sound over invested. 18 year old boymen aren’t exactly reliable.

Yes, I would’ve liked her to have had a year out but she was adamant on going.

I suppose you are right about him, I mean he is a year older but they do say boys mature slower.

I suppose it is natural to be more protective of my daughter and see it from her points of view

concentrate on getting her thro first days of uni. new friendships ,freshers etc and finding her way around. he's a scum bag and will probably do same to new girlfriend. in 3 to 4 years she' ll have degree and probably a new man. you kiss a lot of frogs and toads b4 you find the one.
encourage her to sign with a local GP and see student support if struggling. she won't be the only one. hugs coming from a mum whose been there. xxx

*their not there

FFS I know no one cares, but I do. Sorry to derail.

Next time dd is home for a weekend, tell her what you’ve heard. Try to get the truth out of the other 2 people as well. The sooner she realises that those 2 people are not really a support network for her any more, the sooner she will start to make an effort with other people and hobbies. She can also ask to be moved to different accommodation. She should also really be focussing on her studies more than anything! Good luck with it.

It isn't the responsibility of another to get an independent individual home safe. Stop putting blame where there's none. That's not fair. Every person is responsible for themselves and you have a plan a,B, c etc.

Secondly, given the context I would be very interested to hear his side. Because she believed they were so called going to be a couple. I don't think it's wild to consider a communication issue, not unusual at that age.

Her so called female friend knows how your daughter feels and has been seeing him and not telling her? What a cow