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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

347 replies

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 13:32

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 07/10/2024 14:17

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:07

Agreed they would walk home together because they are both living nearby.

Decided at the end of the night to go back to other friends house leaving her stranded to get herself home

Edited to add, “agreed” means dd asked him if she would be able to walk back with him and he said yes, then didn’t.

Edited
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Your daughter needs to always have a safe way to get home without relying on another. That was rammed into in the 90s by my father.

In my opinion it isn't fair to blame him. She either is an adult able to get places independently or not. Of course young people hook up or head to after after parties. It happened in the 90s and happens today.

Can you have a chat or is there others who can give her a steer on the college and social norms because she may have a different perspective than a lot of young people.

Op your opening post I feel is disingenuous. He didn't place her in harms way, she was somewhere he did not accompany her home as agreed, she had options, ring a taxi, friend etc. He wasn't her boyfriend, I think you are being very unfair.

MarginallyBetter · 07/10/2024 14:17

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:01

At best he has been an emotional fuckwit.

He knows she likes him and has encouraged that for his ego and allowed her to think he was interested without being honest.

He left her stranded and alone on a night out to walk home herself in the early hours which is the main thing I’m fuming about

He is actively pursuing her friend and has been on dates.

I know I can’t complain to his mum ffs, but she is my friend and is telling me what a lovely time he is having and how he is out all the time and it’s hurting to hear it

Show quote history

With respect, given that you're hearing this from your daughter who possibly fundamentally misread the situation, you can have no idea if he 'encouraged' her sexual interest in him. If he did, well that's a difficult but ultimately useful lesson for your DD, something that has probably happened to us all at least once in our teens (and I genuinely feel for her -- we've all been there). It may well be that he was originally interested in her in sexual/romantic terms, but ceased to feel that way, or he realised the seriousness with which she was regarding it all, or didn't want to be her sole emotional support...? Or he didn't want to screw up her A-level year? I don't know, but there are perfectly possible ways of reading it which don't make him an utter bastard.

Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:17

DoreenonTill8 · 07/10/2024 14:15

This, have they kissed?

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This x 2

What has this guy actually done wrong, other than not fancy your daughter, OP?

Yeah he went off to have fun elsewhere, but was your daughter actually stranded and unable to get home?

soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:18

Stop meddling or being involved, she is an adult and this is part of life unfortunately. People fall in and out of love or think they're keen ons omeone then realise they're not, then realise they're keen on someone else, round and round it goes

It will be painful for her and awful but there will be plenty more experiences like this, just be there for her.

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:18

Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:14

I think there's been a lot of assumptions by your daughter here and no clear comms.

Unrequited love is awful, but it is not his fault he doesn't feel the same but you should stay out of it

Edited

Before she went to uni, I drummed into her the importance of always walking home with somebody and never leaving anyone on their own.

She hadn’t been out much because none of her flat want to go out and it was difficult to find people to go out with.

She made sure she had someone to walk back with like I had advised her and it was shitty behaviour by him. If that was my son, I would be ashamed.

OP posts:
Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:19

Honestly, if you came to me to tell me that my son had wronged your daughter in this way - it wouldnt go down well

itwasnevermine · 07/10/2024 14:19

@Watermelon212 did they explicitly agree they'd be going home together?

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:19

soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:18

Stop meddling or being involved, she is an adult and this is part of life unfortunately. People fall in and out of love or think they're keen ons omeone then realise they're not, then realise they're keen on someone else, round and round it goes

It will be painful for her and awful but there will be plenty more experiences like this, just be there for her.

How am I meddling?

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 07/10/2024 14:19

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 13:41

Not her official boyfriend but had been very close for past year and dd thought they were moving towards that. I admit based on what she told me I would have thought so too.

Your issue isn’t the boy but your daughter. She sounds naive and have low boundaries. Shore that up and you won’t have to worry about telling anyone how their son behaves unless they commit a crime.

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:19

itwasnevermine · 07/10/2024 14:19

@Watermelon212 did they explicitly agree they'd be going home together?

Yes

OP posts:
Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:20

OP Shes an adult

Shes fine - I know it is upsetting to know your kid has a heartache, but its part of adulthood sadly

I think people assume you may be meddling as you are talking of going to the boys mother to discus his wrongdoings - PS if you do this, you will at best, loose a friend - you could also put your own daughter at arms length and make her wary of discussing private issues with you

soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:21

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:07

Agreed they would walk home together because they are both living nearby.

Decided at the end of the night to go back to other friends house leaving her stranded to get herself home

Edited to add, “agreed” means dd asked him if she would be able to walk back with him and he said yes, then didn’t.

Edited
Show quote history

Stranded in what way, was she not able tod call for a cab or call you?

She has a responsbility to make sure she can get home from anywhere, never rely on someone else.

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:21

Floppyelf · 07/10/2024 14:19

Your issue isn’t the boy but your daughter. She sounds naive and have low boundaries. Shore that up and you won’t have to worry about telling anyone how their son behaves unless they commit a crime.

Show quote history

She probably is naive but has only just turned 18.

I would agree she needs to rethink her boundaries and I have been trying to recommend this as far as I can being a parent.

My issue is still very much against the boy who put her in this situation.

OP posts:
itwasnevermine · 07/10/2024 14:21

@Watermelon212 okay so not ideal behaviour but certainly not the worst thing I've heard of on a night out.

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:22

soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:21

Stranded in what way, was she not able tod call for a cab or call you?

She has a responsbility to make sure she can get home from anywhere, never rely on someone else.

Show quote history

She did make sure she could get home, which is why she arranged it beforehand

There is a lot of female bashing on this thread, and a lot of excuses being made for shitty male behaviour

edited to say, sadly in this day and age women are more vulnerable when they are walking home alone

OP posts:
soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:22

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:19

How am I meddling?

Show quote history

Sitting around mithering about whether to/wanting to tell the blokes mum.

Stay out of it, both mentally in your own head or verbally

You're putting far too much responsibility onto him to manage your daughters expectations, feelings and practical matters like getting home.

Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:22

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:21

She probably is naive but has only just turned 18.

I would agree she needs to rethink her boundaries and I have been trying to recommend this as far as I can being a parent.

My issue is still very much against the boy who put her in this situation.

Show quote history

He didn't put her in that situation.

Your daughter is not a victim here.

soupfiend · 07/10/2024 14:23

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:22

She did make sure she could get home, which is why she arranged it beforehand

There is a lot of female bashing on this thread, and a lot of excuses being made for shitty male behaviour

edited to say, sadly in this day and age women are more vulnerable when they are walking home alone

Edited
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How was she stranded then if she had means to get home, friend changes their mind (as they are entitled to do), goes off on his own, she calls a cab or calls you or public transport or whatever plan she had?

FrauPaige · 07/10/2024 14:23

Stand down, stand down.

Part of life is loving and losing, and through that process we sharpen our women-senses. Experience and wounds replace nativity and blind trust. The better judgement we acquire earns an essential enhancement in our taste of men.

Let her live and learn. Your role is to be there to support her when needed.

She has OLD ahead of her with all of its non-exclusive, text based, accelerated, hyper-sexualised dating. What you describe with this boy is delightfully quaint and wonderfully 1989 in comparison!

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:23

itwasnevermine · 07/10/2024 14:21

@Watermelon212 okay so not ideal behaviour but certainly not the worst thing I've heard of on a night out.

You must have some really bad friends then! I don’t know many people who would be like this without trying to ensure the loan person got home okay

OP posts:
Flugelb1nder · 07/10/2024 14:24

Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:22

She did make sure she could get home, which is why she arranged it beforehand

There is a lot of female bashing on this thread, and a lot of excuses being made for shitty male behaviour

edited to say, sadly in this day and age women are more vulnerable when they are walking home alone

Edited
Show quote history

Female bashing? I do not see this - what is right is right - and there is nothing there that makes me see this guy has done wrong nor the female some victim of sorts.
Just a lot of immaturity - thats the worst of it

Dotto · 07/10/2024 14:24

I think she would do well to get a part time job, and join a feminism group at uni, and a sports team. She needs to learn there is more to life than him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 07/10/2024 14:24

This is very delicate but having spent a good deal of time around 18 year olds fresh off the Uni bus, they don’t all behave with decorum.
He’s probably enjoyed the attention from your daughter because it’s lovely for his ego.
Now he’s possibly meeting up with her friend and having a fine old time.
He is being an idiot if he thinks that won’t affect your DD, but it’s standard behaviour I am afraid for lots of kids at this age.
Of course he is ringing home and telling his mum he’s having a ball - because he is!
Your DD is not for many reasons but please don’t hang a hat on him for that.
Your DD would be so better off making some new friends as well, pursuing her own interests and just in general widening her experiences. She’s pretty new it’s only been a few weeks, OP. Sadly, as a parent you can’t prevent your daughter from being treated poorly but you can’t help build her resilience.
You can speak to your friend without mentioning the situation imploding by simply telling her your DD is struggling to settle in. Please don’t bring her DS into it.
At that age, I was such a romantic and the only I way I learned was through heartbreak and having to get over it.
As for DD’s female friend, she’s free to do as she wishes but she clearly knows your DD is very attached to this boy.
Just be there if she wants to talk.

Toopies · 07/10/2024 14:24

Very hard OP to know and not say anything.

Lovely friend or not, I certainly wouldn't want to be around her.
Her son has behaved badly and put your daughter at risk.

I certainly wouldn't be sitting listening to how fab he and life is for him.
No thanks.

I would be busy and unavailable until such time as I got my annoyance under control, if I was indeed able to.

Original poster
Watermelon212 · 07/10/2024 14:25

So if you had a son who did this, you would think it would be okay?

Bloody hell, no wonder the country is in the state that it’s in

OP posts: