To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

I'm confused, so you have heard your DD's bf, who is your friends son, is seeing another girl, is that right?

In that case, why are you so focused on telling your friend as opposed to your DD??

So is he her boyfriend or not? Boyfriend and 'boyfriend' are two different things, no?

I wouldn't be fighting the urge to burst that bubble. But I'd restrict to telling only what I myself had observed, nothing personal or heresy.

I think there might be some confusion here. Did your dd think it was more serious than he did, he thought it was more casual? I would just stay out of it and just be there for her when she needs you to be.

I don’t understand what he’s done, sorry. You need to provide more detail.

Not her official boyfriend but had been very close for past year and dd thought they were moving towards that. I admit based on what she told me I would have thought so too.

It sounds rotten for your daughter. You know you can't say anything to your friend and you just need to be there for your daughter. Keep encouraging her to go out and meet people - the first term at university is hard for lots of people.

Much sympathy though it is horrid to see your children upset and that first heartbreak is just so intense.

moving towards is not a boyfriend though is it?

You're right that going to university can be very emotional. Is your dd at a faraway uni? And is it the same uni or different uni from the boy in question?

If it were my dc, I think I would probably arrange a weekend at home for her and during that weekend, drop the bombshell that the boy she is with/wants to be with is with her best friend.

Yes it appears that dd thought that they were moving towards a relationship based on what he has said and his actions/messages and that feelings were more on her side. She has very strong feelings for him, which we have tried to discourage.

That said he has not discouraged those feelings.

No, but I don't think that will have much bearing on OP's dd's devastation.

Ah OP, this is all very painful for you, but you should absolutely shift your focus away from your friend and her son and towards your DD. Relationships at that age are fraught with difficulty and misunderstandings. They're all desperate to be grown up and have a relationship but mostly too immature to properly commit or to truly understand the consequences of their actions.

I would ignore the son, maybe put in a bit of distance between you and your friend for a while until this has all ended and focus entirely on being there for your DD. When she finds out, focus on how amazing she is and how there are SO many more fish in the sea, rather than on him/trying to get revenge or win him back or anything. There will likely be further heartbreak to come so it's much better to equip her with skills to get over things like this in future.

I would be encouraging: putting effort into making new friends at uni, a new hobby/goal to focus on, a new outfit and hair cut to boost the self esteem, some relaxing one-to-one time with you/her sister/any other loving friend or relative. Good luck OP, so difficult to see your child sad but it's your role now to help her move forward.

They're 18 and learning how to navigate relationships.

Keep well out of it and just be there for her.

What do you think your friend would do with that info anyway, other than think she should also keep out of it?

Yes far away. Yes same uni as boy. Yes same uni as her friend (girl) who is in an older year.

She has been meeting her friend (the girl) for emotional support and messaging the boy for emotional support because she is struggling to settle in her flat because they are very quiet and don’t come out of their rooms.

what she doesn’t know is that allegedly (I have heard through my other child but obviously don’t know 100%) they are also meeting up and dating behind her back.

the night out was separate to this

I know this sounds cynical but I think heartbreak and high emotions is par for the course at that age. I don't know anybody who wasn't devastated by a break up, a cheating boyfriend or girlfriends, or their own mistake that ruined a relayionship, at that age. It's a brutal learning curve.

She will get over it and she will move on, but she won't see that now because she's too close to it. I don't think it's your place to say anything you just need to be there for her if or when she finds out. She will feel like her life is over but she's only 18 and it's certainly not. Focus on making sure she's doing well at uni, partner's come and go but yet education will stay with her life.

Yanbu to be annoyed with him. Definitely don't say anything to your friend though.

Encourage her to make new supportive connections where she is, don't dwell on old friends. Don't bring your own feelings into it. And do not contact your friend, what her son chooses to do with his penis is none of your business.

Just sounds like it was a horribly bad idea for them all to go to the same Uni!

Is your other child close to the DD who is away - I would be maybe encouraging them to tell your DD what they have heard. I would be utterly mortified if I was confiding in my best friend and then found out she was dating the boy I was interested in.

No I agree but the feelings are still intense and I am worried about how she will react with being away from home

Daughter first.

Bollocks to the son and his mum.

Or, for perspective.
Be there for DD .. but know, if she finds out you knew and said nothing, she'll feel betrayed by you..him.. her friend.. etc.

Oh for god's sake. There is no moving towards becoming her boyfriend or becoming close. If he's into her he will let her know. Until then she should be keeping her options open and not giving her heart to someone (or her body if that's what was going on) to someone who hasn't made his feelings clear.

It's one thing for her - a barely adult - to have been blinded by her feelings and youthful naivety but for YOU to be doing the same...

Buy a copy of the controversial 90s book 'The Rules' and when you have read it cover to cover pass it to your daughter.

It’s obviously sad for your daughter, but the guy has done nothing wrong by the sound of it, and you definitely shouldn’t be complaining to his mother! Encourage her to focus on making new connections outside her accommodation, and to work on her resilience.

Yes close relationship but not close in distance.

my dc says they want to tell her but I said be wary because we have both heard it second hand and shouldn’t we wait for facts? And I am worried she will react badly because she is already struggling and that will ruin her only support mechanism locally.

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