To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

I agree with this. They are 18, they will make mistakes.. he is a young lad probably driven by his hormones. He never actually promised your dd anything and they weren't in a relationship. It's unfortunate that she was hoping for more and unkind of her best friend to move in on him if she knew how your dd felt, but you really can't get involved. What do you expect your friend to say?
At this age emotions run high and unfortunately getting your heartbroken is all part of navigating adult relationships. It happens to all of us at some point in our late teens/early twenties.

I wouldn't say anything to your friend. Teenage boys are immature, teenage relationships are messy. I'm not excusing his poor behaviour but I'd keep out of it. I'd have been appalled if my mum was getting involved in my relationships at 18. Your DD will recover

I have sons and I wouldn't be delighted about this - the not walking home that is. However I also have a daughter and I would have been cross that she didn't get an uber or called a cab in that situation.

It is NONE of your business!

By focusing on him you are not enabling her to move on.

OP, she's off at university, and is in a mental mix-up with a friendship she thought was the beginning of a romance but that has turned out not to be for reasons that neither of you can be sure about. By all means be supportive by phone, but you need to take a step back, and not get involved either in this or in how she gets home from nights out. Get her to download one of the taxi apps with a card on so she always has access to a way home, solo or not. With the best will in the world, when people are newly at university, experimenting with alcohol and/or drugs and living away from home, etc, arrangements about getting home will sometimes fall through, whether someone has vanished to a rave in a field or fallen asleep in someone's bed at a party. These things happen.

If someone is taking a year to get towards being an official boyfriend it's never getting there. He may have led your daughter on, she may have misinterpreted his action, either way I think you have both been naive about his intentions.

Can you go and see her so she doesn't find out and feel she has no support?

What, that he doesn't fancy your daughter, or that he failed to walk her home from a night out?

I agree with you about the escort home - if he promised, he should’ve seen her home safely. But he’s an 18 year old lad away for the first time. He’s likely immature, excited and probably wanting to party at bit. Which is what you should be encouraging your dd to do. You’re psychologically putting a lot of expectation into a young man barely out of school, who owes your dd nothing.

I agree with everything you said to be honest apart from the fact that he did promise to walk at home and didn’t, and that did put her in potential danger.

Because of this, I think she has had a lucky escape, but it won’t feel like this to her. I would not want her to be with someone like this anyway.

Did what?

Fancied her, then went off her? Thats life, we've all been there and experienced it on both ends. Thats the nature of human attraction and emotions

Went home on his own after a night out? So what was her back up plan in case of changes of circumstance, she could also have gone to the friends house and called a cab or you from there, you're not answering this point

Why are you so keen to make her a victim, that is not emotionally healthy, I hope you're not giving her those messages to internalise.

he’s clearly a fuckboy. He’s probably trying to flaunt his looks and get sex. He’s not the problem. You’re still codling your daughter. What’s the purpose? Tell him off to his mum so she forces him to be with your daughter? Tell your daughter the facts. He’s not into her, will never be and she doesn’t have to waste her life/time headspace over this. That’s what you should be encouraging. You should be telling her that she’s smart, and she’s gotta great future ahead of her but a smart woman doesn’t believe every word a man straight man says. She needs to be clear and have boundaries and communicate her boundaries. If a man crosses them, than ghost and block.

The night out, obviously

i would be fine with my son doing this, because he hasn't done anything wrong.

Your daughter is 18, not a child. And you are far too over involved. Get a hobby and let her get on with living her life and expierencing adulthood

I've done worse to my friends on a night out.

It's shitty behaviour and I felt bad, but if their mum spoke to my mum I'd just be embarrassed for them

"There is a lot of female bashing on this thread, and a lot of excuses being made for shitty male behaviour"

Agreed. And of course you're right to be upset and worried for your daughter. I'm astonished at some of the reactions here.

You need to be more supportive of your daughter. She's going to be even more devastated when she finds out everyone knew but her. And yes, of course you should tell your friend how you really feel. Support your daughter fgs.

Let's be clear he did not put her in the situation he isn't responsible for her .

That's a very important lesson she needs to have. You always have in your head how am I getting myself there and back safely. Plan A, B, C.

It is exceptionally naive to not consider it your friend hooks up, male or female how I get home.

You're calling female bashing while simultaneously saying your daughter is incapable of getting herself home (calling a taxi - you never go on a night out spending money on alcohol without making sure you have money for a taxi home) without a man.

You are the one that has failed your daughter here. She's naive because you let her be. Sending her off to university without preparing her to get home safely on her own after a night out is not any 18 year old man's fault. She's fawning all over a boy and isn't making any friends because he's her support network, that's not on him either. He's 18 at uni doing what 18 year olds at uni do.

It's all crazy and immature. Fighting the urge to tell your friend about something that is not a thing is weird. They were never official so I dont understand the drama- all sounds like one sided affection

Keep out-of it I remember being that age andxgetting my heart broken on more than one occasion, I would have been horrified if my mum had got involved my oldest is nearly 18 they are very young and just finding out about relationships.

'Escort her home'

Ive heard it all now. Is her bodyguard or something

Both of them need to be a little more mature. She's an adult, going clubbing. If she wants to do that she needs to be able to get herself home without relying on a man.

She is 18 not 12? You are really infantilizing her and encouraging her to be fearful. She should be able to handle a night out and getting home. Do you mean she was drunk and vulner? That is a different issue. She certainly needs to learn to socialize safely—and that means she needs to stop clinging to unreliable friends.

Just be a sounding board and tell her “well he sounds unreliable. You need to make new friends. I have totally been in your shoes but you can only emphasize resilience and independence. Not join them in their moping and whining.

I am telling you what I was taught over thirty years ago. As where all my friends and what I taught my own.

And what most secondary schools in sphe etc teach and college safety classes.

The only thing shitty was that he agreed to walk her home and didn’t. Lesson learned. He’s obviously sowing his wild oats and not interested in a relationship or babysitting a quiet girl from home. So op needs to let the dd know that he’s not for her and encourage her to get on with enjoying her own uni experience. Nothing gained to keep dwelling on the behaviour of some immature young man straight out of school!