To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

Honestly when I was at uni (and even before I was at uni, when I lived at home) my parents gave me independence and had no idea how I was getting home. You probably think this is awful parenting but I disagree. I became very independent and had no fear of walking alone. Still don't. Sometimes I stumbled home drunk on my own, sometimes we'd go back to someone's house. We got up to all sorts of mischief and had a blast!
The thought of having left home and having my mum fretting about who walked me home and the fact some teenage boy fancies someone else - No! I wouldn't have coped with that at all!
He hasn't done anything wrong. He fancies someone and he didn't walk her home. I personally think it's a bit much to have expected this anyway. The first couple of weeks at uni, he's had some drinks and is enjoying his night. Why should he cut it short to escort another adult home? The fact is, he's more likely to get beaten up on the way hone than her (males are more often victims of random attacks, but you probably don't want to acknowledge this).

I haven’t done it though. And I wasn’t really considering it.

Isn’t this what an anonymous forum is for to discuss things like this? That are difficult to negotiate and even though you know the right way to behave it is not always the easy option

This and I know a few have questioned this, have they actually kissed or done anything romantic?
And are people still saying that the dd can call dibs and even if a couple like each other because another person likes one of them, they can't see what would happen? Was dd bothered to check if her friend liked the boy before claiming him?

Interestingly you normally see this sort of story from angry men complaining of being friendzoned by women who didn't want to date them and it's usually a huge red flag that a guy is heading down the incel route.
The guy owes your daughter nothing, neither does the friend.

They're teenagers. Give over. Honestly.

How else would like her to develop resilience in relationships and love if she doesn't go through what every teenager does and has always done.

It sounds like he thought she was a friend and she thought they were moving towards a relationship. You think he didn't do enough to dispel any romantic feelings she had, but maybe he thought it was just playful flirting, or didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I can understand your feelings about the night out, but University students don't have an obligation to chaperone each other. If she felt unsafe, she could have called a taxi, but the chances are that there were plenty of other students, either in groups or alone, walking around a University town at kicking out time.

The problem with going to Uni together is that it hasn't forced them to make new friends or break out of existing patterns. DD should speak to the halls manager about moving flat if she's unhappy in her current flat, rather than relying on her school friends.

It’s an interesting opinion, and I agree with the first part of what you said, because I would feel the same about my mum knowing what I had done.

I disagree with you about the walking home part though. We may move in different circles, but where we are here generally it’s it’s normal for boys to see that the girl gets home safely. It’s certainly the case with my other daughter at a different uni who has a lovely group of friends who always look out for each other and always make sure they walk the girls home first.

Young man sounds like an arse (though a garden variety one). Your DD has to work this out for herself. You can't save her the heartbreak. Maybe her sibling can raise this? Parents stay out of it. Definitely don't talk to his mum.

I'm a lecturer and I'd encourage your DD to seek out friends by joining societies and swapping numbers with/going for coffee with people on her course. Or knock on flat mates doors and see if they want to chat in the day at weekends? The nights out thing tends to slow down after the first few weeks anyway.

I really feel for your DD. Like others said, she needs to really get out there and join as many groups and societies as she can. She should also cut off both the boy and the other girl. This is a blessing in disguise but it will be really difficult for her to appreciate that now.

Can she change flats or even unis? It sounds like her unhappiness goes deeper than this boy (he is almost more a symptom of the wider problem of unhappiness and isolation than the cause of it). I would mention to the friend but just in a ‘my DD has a massive crush on your son and is really unhappy it’s not reciprocated so I’m sure you won’t mind if I change the subject’ way.

The boy is totally selfish and thoughtless but many of us probably were at that age. There is some good advice from PPs about speaking to your DD to make sure she knows that she should never put someone like that, who doesn’t care about her, on a pedestal (it’s just asking to be treated badly).

But surely if she was to ask the friends (boy and girl) what’s going on and they said they are seeing each other and she wasn’t happy with that yes she may loose her support but the alternative is don’t tell her and allow her to continue to get support from the two people possibly betraying her. If your other DC wants to tell them then they should.

Maybe she is barking way up the wrong tree? that does NOT make him in the wrong.

I have a family member like this, they get a crush and read way more into it than is actually there. They latch onto friendships with the opposite sex as romantic relationships and even convince others these friends are actually their 'girlfriend, well not officially, but will be soon'. Even if that other person is IN a relationship with someone else (they then bad mouth that person and paint them bad when they have done nothing wrong).

My family member frankly has some 'issues' (pretty certain they are undiagnosed ND) with forming healthy connections, it took their mother years to see the red flags others started spotting quite quickly.

Its dangerous taking one side of a story as fact as people are bias to their own wants. It clearly was not going anywhere, if nothing happened in the YEAR your DD was building this narrative it obviously not what you DD is telling you.

Its not someone else's fault that your DD fancied them but they did not reciprocate and maybe have dated someone else. Your DD is not just owed any fancy she takes to someone and they have not done anything 'wrong' by living their own life.

Seriously.

Nearly a year and no commitment from him surely she could see that's not "boyfriend" I've heard of slow burning but this is something else.

Surely you saw this coming from uni aged teens.

I can totally understand your concern for your DD but it's also hard to see that this boy has done anything wrong. We've probably all been in the position of wanting someone who doesn't want us - it doesn't make that person bad.

The best thing you can do is remind your daughter that she's got all the time in the world meet people, find her tribe and experience life

For context and to answer some questions…

Ive no idea if they have kissed. I have seen them cuddle/hug/look pretty cosy

About a year ago it looked certain they would get together, he was doing all the chasing.

That has eased off I would say over the past summer whereby I picked up that he seemed less “interested “ when he came over. Instead of making dd back off this seemed to make her make more effort. Me and our other dc gently tried to discourage this and encourage other friends instead. In fact she agreed at uni she wanted to branch out and meet new people. Unfortunately she has found this harder than she thought and has had limited opportunities so far.

I suppose it is difficult to switch off your feelings.

I still think the night out thing was shady,

Getting left for someone else, as teens/20s. It has happened to most of us, and we maybe did it to others too. I would not say anything to your friend. Just be there to support your dd and give her examples of it being ok in the end. Which it will be.

This.

We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and not expect others to stop having fun to take care of us. That guy is not her care-assistant - he is just another young person out to have fun

Your girl needs to do a bit of growing up here (as we all did / do) - it isnt easy granted, but she does need to know how to take care of herself and be independent - I mean its easier now than ever with ubers etc

Well, that is nice, but you really can't depend on an immature teenage boy to always behave responsibly. Some kids go wild when they leave home and taste a bit of freedom. Some kids get drunk, take drugs, go off and have sex with someone they fancy. A lot of them won't be behaving rationally and responsibly at 2am. It just seems very misguided to depend on this one person as her means to get home safely.
I hope she's learnt from this and will always have a plan B now. She can't rely on mates, male or female, because who knows where the night will take them?

I think he has been guilty of encouraging her to carry on massaging his ego whilst displaying pretty shitty behaviour. At best this is probably immaturity on his part. My DD has also shown immaturity I agree.

Leaving your dd to walk home alone is shocking behaviour from any friend imo.
Absolutely I would bring this up if you see your friend.
My ds would never have left a girl to walk home alone if he'd agreed otherwise.

OP it sounds like you really hate this guy. Please just move on.

It's poor but they're at uni. It's not for their mums to get involved!!

I've done worse, screaming matches in the street, been kicked out of Ubers, been left on weekends away with no way home. Nobody ever spoke to my mum

Thanks, I appreciate the reply and would be disappointed if my son did this to any of his friends as well. it’s certainly isn’t what tends to happen around here.

It’s quite surprising to me how many people think it’s though. I mean even saying, I’ll wait with you until a Taxi comes would have been preferable to just leaving her on her own.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but it really shocked me

Let go. Its hard to do but its important because the focus needs to be on how your daughter handles disappointment not on how this boy failed her. If he was a jerk, well, she needs help spotting red flags. If he promised to walk her home then she needs help advocating for herself in scary circs. She does not need her mother modeling obsessive focus on other people not meeting her needs/wants.

Well, yes that is how those of us who have been turned down often see things. 'They led me on.' 'They were using me for the ego boost'.

Perhaps I've missed the 'pretty shitty' behaviour, but I don't think failing to walk her home one night counts.

Picture that scene - a group of young people are out for night. A a boy and a girl fancy each other and want to go home together, but a second girl fancies the boy and wants him to walk her home instead.

Who's being unreasonable?

How is posting on an anonymous forum getting involved exactly?

Surely if you read the posts you can see I haven’t got involved?