To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

Yes I agree, I would have preferred not to and am worried that him going was one of the reasons she went.

I tried to discourage it but it’s difficult to persuade stubborn 18 yea olds

It sounds as though she's misread the situation.

She needs to get out there and start socialising at uni, not moping about a boy. Get her to go to societies, to join in with her classes etc. she will be able to make friends.

So in actual fact not her boyfriend no exclusivity?

Let's be fair then. If they are not in an exclusive relationship then he hasn't in my opinion done anything wrong. At that age I and most did date similar pools of people.

It sounds unfortunately that your DD may have read a situation wrong. Yes it's sad and we want to protect our children's feelings but context and accuracy is everything.

I think you need to tell your daughter (gently and in person) about what you have heard. I wouldn't tell the boys mum as in a sense he hasn't done anything wrong ( although morally wrong) if they weren't in a relationship. If anything the friend should not have pursued this, I hope your daughter is alright

I think your other dc needs to put her out of her misery and tell her before she confides any more to each of them or finds out for herself.

It’s going to be horrible no matter what but at least her family know and can support from a distance.

what did he do on the night out that left her vulnerable?

The other stuff - has he done anything wrong? Has he kissed her? flirted with her (actually flirted)? Told her he wants to be with her? Or is she viewing his friendship through her own filter of being attracted to him and reading more into things than are actually there?

It could well be that he and this other young woman know your daughter has a massive crush on him and are trying to avoid upsetting her.

At best he has been an emotional fuckwit.

He knows she likes him and has encouraged that for his ego and allowed her to think he was interested without being honest.

He left her stranded and alone on a night out to walk home herself in the early hours which is the main thing I’m fuming about

He is actively pursuing her friend and has been on dates.

I know I can’t complain to his mum ffs, but she is my friend and is telling me what a lovely time he is having and how he is out all the time and it’s hurting to hear it

I know from my own two DSs that the first few weeks/months at uni were very hard. They were homesick, missed their friends, felt desperately lonely and assumed that everyone else there was having a wild time and making best friends straight away. They have both come away from uni with lifelong mates.

Your daughter should focus on trying to make new friends rather than relying solely on old ones and obsessing about a relationship that never was. She should join all the clubs and go to all the events that are on offer. Maybe she needs to take the initiative and knock on a few doors in her flat and invite the others to join her or arrange a kitchen disco or for them all to geta takeway or something. I bet all the others in her flat are feeling as miserable as she is.

Did they actually engage in couple esque 'activities'?
I.e romantic and physical behaviour/activities or is this what dd thought they were moving towards?

Fwiw I had a similar situation but it was my sibling and my very close male friend (we always said that we would end up together sadly it seemed that he meant as in-laws!). It was awful but looking back I had a lucky escape! Eventually I realised that I got to enjoy uni without a relationship hanging over me.

Not her boyfriend, no exclusivity.

I would say morally wrong.

Yes it seems she has mis read things but that won’t help the outcome sadly

I'd step away from that friendship, tbh. I'd try to encourage my daughter to make new friends. Who's in her accommodation? Are they shy, too? If she spends too much time in her room then she won't make new friends. There are tons of groups to join - I would encourage her towards those.

I think you need to focus on encouraging your DD to make new friends at Uni- join a few clubs/societies, chat to others on her course (not just in her accommodation), take up all sensible offers to socialise etc. At this stage in her first year there will be loads of other students still trying to make new friends and find their 'tribe'. If she thinks she has the 'comfort blanket' of friends from home around the corner she might not feel she has to push herself to make new ones and it sounds like that's what she really needs to do.

Agreed they would walk home together because they are both living nearby.

Decided at the end of the night to go back to other friends house leaving her stranded to get herself home

Edited to add, “agreed” means dd asked him if she would be able to walk back with him and he said yes, then didn’t.

And that's the problem morals differ. Clear communication would have solved this. Hopefully your daughter will move onwards and upwards really soon.

Agreed, I have been doing this already and she is trying but it’s slow and tough.

edited to add… tougher for her because her flat is quiet and don’t go out

"He left her stranded and alone on a night out to walk home herself in the early hours"

That's horrible. Even if your daughter misread his feelings for her, no decent male friend does this. Indeed no friend , m or f, does that in this day and age.

I agree, and I think it’s a lucky escape for her too.

but it’s going to hit hard and I’m worried

Not seeing her home safely after he had agreed to is terrible. The other girl is not lucky. I don't like The Rules but they are a useful corrective to today's mores and would recommend a good read of that handbook.

Agreed.
This happened to a friends daughter. She went to same uni as boyfriend since age 14 was going there…he dumped her 2nd week.
But, she moved home. Had a year off. Went somewhere else the next year, all worked out okay.

I think there's been a lot of assumptions by your daughter here and no clear comms.

Unrequited love is awful, but it is not his fault he doesn't feel the same but you should stay out of it

This sounds so difficult for her and I really feel for you having to watch her go through it.

But respectfully, he isn’t her boyfriend and isn’t obliged to date her or avoid dating her friends to spare her feelings just because she likes him.

He was flaky and thoughtless with regards to the night out, agreed. However she is also an adult and ultimately responsible for getting herself home if plans change. I don’t think it’s worth saying anything to his mum, just concentrate on her feelings. It sounds like she could do with some support to make new friends at uni, are there any clubs or societies she could join if the flatmates aren’t sociable?

I agree I am fuming about this.

when I heard I didn’t sleep all night worrying about what could have happened and how she must have felt

she would never do this to anyone

I think it’s a shock that he’s not even a nice friend when she needs nice people around her

It’s sounds like a potential lucky escape OP - he sounds manipulative and a bit of a user and hence not a great catch anyway . Some of that of course may just be his age only time will tell.

This is just part of growing up though , it was messy and sometimes hard in our day and I’m sure the fundamentals haven’t changed .

All you and Your other child can do is support her when it all cOmes out . It hard to know whether you can drop a hint somehow to help prepare her when it does come out .

I think I’d be suggesting she come home for a weekend of home comforts or having a weekend away to go see her and treat her

This, have they kissed?