To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

You're clearly and understandably upset, but I think you need to keep this to yourself. There will be a lot that you don't know about (yet).

Focus on your DD by supporting her, being there for her and encouraging her.

Honestly I understand that she's really disappointed that he is backing off after showing interest previously. Having said that from my college days. Plans tended to be 'fluid' even if we traveled to a venue together it was understood that some people may 'pull' or end up going to a different party . We always knew that if some one ended up travelling home alone than we would just jump in a cab. Maybe I am unreasonable but I wouldn't have expected him to turn down a party or a snog with someone he liked because he had agreed earlier in the night to walk home with her .
I'm sure part of her upset is that it opened her eyes to the fact that if he had fancied her then he would have jumped at the chance . Is it also possible that your dd went along to the venue knowing he'd be there and hoping for more when they were walking home. Maybe he is feeling the pressure a bit but he should absolutely tell her that he is not interested in her that way .
I'd tell her if he or her friend won't at the start of the weekend . Let her bawl for the weekend and go back on Monday with her head held high.

I agree

@Marblesbackagain they didnt go out together but ended up at the same place

Absolutely this. He hasn't done anything wrong other than be an 18 year old

They're both navigating their way towards adulthood

Absolutely keep out of it

Certainly a way to build a message into them that women are irresponsible for their own agency, cant cope, cant manage without the big old man with them and setting up a lifetime of resentment about women.

But you said he actively pursued her and she played hard to get. When she eventually changed her mind (seemingly when he list interest) she decided to pursue him. Give me a break. You and her both sound like a nightmare. Do tell his mum so she can see what you are like and warn him off.

I have a DD, I’ve seen her through two of the biggest heart breaks that she thought she would never ever heal from. (I knew she would).

in the kindest way, this seems like your DD was on a road to nowhere for over a year and you haven’t exactly discouraged her believing the few breadcrumbs she was thrown would end up in a relationship.

you need to tell her that this is unlikely to ever go anywhere and to branch out and move on. And why. I also recommend that you set her an Uber account up attached to your card if need be so she never puts herself in danger again.

I think you have been too invested, clearly your friend had no idea that your DD saw her son as a BF.

So how does that equate to him being responsible for another adult?

This drives me nuts. As women we are either equal or not. If I go somewhere I get myself there and back. I thought my pair to do the same.

Why does she need escorting?

There weren't any taxi's available, I tried calling one as well. The friend knew this, said he was checking something and didn't come back.

I did tell him that it's his responsibility to have a back up plan - including not going to rural areas where there's a risk he might not get home! Think it's just because I know he wouldn't have done that, and me and my friends never did that at their age either.

With all respect OP I think you need to remember that the boy is the same age as your daughter, with the same ability to make immature mistakes, break promises and only see things from their own viewpoint that she has. Reading between the lines I think he is finding your dd a bit of a burden to his new social life, and while a more mature person would be able to do the “It’s not you it’s me “ speech and break contact he is hoping that she somehow picks up the vibes he assumes he is giving off and takes the hint.

I am afraid your DD is going to have to learn the hard way that relationships work best with two people trying to make them work, not one in a fantasy and one trying to escape. Your dd can’t expect two people who she knows from pre uni days to be her support humans for the next three years , she has to make the effort to extend her social circle, did she join any clubs or groups in freshers week. Does she know why the flatmates stay in, are they studying, working, broke, shy. Can she pin up a note in the kitchen asking them to her room for movie night, popcorn supplied please bring Pringles ?

I think it's really unfair that he's being treated as some sort of guardian to OP's daughter. He's a young lad, a couple of weeks into university life, probably having a blast - parties, girls, new mates, drink and maybe drugs. Yet he's expected to cut short his night out to escort an 18 year old home. Yes, he may have agreed to earlier in the night but we have no idea how firm this arrangement was. The daughter shouldn't have been relying on him to get her home.
I really dislike this notion that a fully grown woman should be dependent on a man. I'm about to turn 50, and I can't think of a single occasion in my life when I've expected a friend (male or female) to get me home. I've had thousands of nights out, have always had male friends but not once have I thought it was their responsibility to get me home. These days you don't even have to walk to a taxi rank. You simply call an Uber and it's there in minutes.
I've always valued my independence and the fact I can look after myself. I'd never want a friend to feel responsible for me, especially if that meant curtailing their fun.

In a nutshell!

Agreed!
I’m 55 and think nothing of walking home myself, through the park etc.

Yep me too. I always have done, since my mid-teens, and I continue to do so. Nothing's ever happened and I always feel safe.
I fully accept that some women don't feel safe. We're all different. However, it's still not the responsibility of an 18 year old boy to cut his night short and get her home. At 18, she should be fully able to call a taxi if she doesn't feel safe walking.

Could you not have gone to get him? Or phoned a taxi from a nearby town?
How did your son get home, then?
I’d have gone back to the friend’s house and ask to stay, or call someone. I’m assuming that his friend lived with his parents, rurally?

Not an ideal situation, obviously.
I often think that teens just don’t think, I don’t think it’s deliberate.

Exactly.
I really dislike how this boy is getting the blame for not safeguarding the girl.
It is NOT his responsibility to do so.
Tbh, she shouldn’t be going out if she is unable to get herself home safely and independently.

I'm sorry you are worried about your daughter not yet finding her tribe at uni - that must be stressful and upsetting. But this lad did not go to uni to act as your daughters chaperone and if I was your friend and you told me how disappointed you were in my son that is what I would tell you.

I think a realistic problem that your friend could write would be:
"My son has gone to the same university as a female friend from our home town. This friend is finding it difficult to meet new people as her halls are quiet and people there keep themselves to themselves.

My son is happy for his friend to come out with him and meet his new university friends but my AIBU is this girl expects him to cut his night short/not go on to somewhere else in order to walk her home. AIBU to think it is not my son's job to get his friend home?"

As for whether this lad is seeing your daughters best mate - it might already be over even if they were. If this lad didn't form a relationship with your daughter or her friend over years at home- he is unlikely to when they have gone off to uni and met hundreds of new people.

Then your feelings on this are completely unjustified towards this boy.

She didn’t take your advice and make sure she could get home with someone else before she went out. She went out with other people and then expected this boy, who has already been there a year and established his friendships, to cut his night out short to take her home.

I get that you are hurting over this OP, I know the heartache of similar stuff when your children are away at uni, but your dd did a very silly thing and if she knows you’re blaming the boy for it she’s not going to learn to avoid being silly again.

OP gently - this isn’t about this boy. I’ve not met him but I’ve worked with enough teenagers to know that if he was even remotely interested, he would be dating her. He isn’t interested. He’s just a clumsy teenage boy who doesn’t know where to put his feet.

Yoy may well be hearing stories from your friend about what a wonderful time he is having - and I’m glad - but he isn’t responsible for your daughter. Maybe it would have been nice for him to follow through on plans to walk her home - but they went on to another party - he’s a teenage idiot. He’s using all his energy working out his own new, bewildering, student world. Forging friendships and navigating new group dynamics. He isn’t, based on what you have said, a bad kid.

Your daughter isn’t being done any favours by trying to pursue this instead of forging friendships.

you describe in an earlier post how your other daughter is part of a lovely group in which the boys all make sure the girls do get home - but that sounds like a balanced, equitable agreement amongst established peers rather than someone feeling obliged to be kind to a girl who’s moping around a bit and then getting carried away with the night.

I’m sorry your girl isn’t finding her feet. My flatmates weren’t hugely social either - she needs to join a bunch of societies, sports, drama - whatever her thing is - and find her people. She will find her people. But this guy and the older girl aren’t responsible for her doing so.

Deep breathe. Now give your head a wobble.

Your DD is an adult. Let her get on with things. Personally I'd stay out of it entirely. If your dc want to tell her that's their look out.

You sound like an over anxious person with an expectation (sorry this is a bit brutal) that the world revolves around you/ your dd. It seems like you've passed thus attitude on to your dd.

Teach your DD to call an uber and not rely on other people to get her home. Perhaps a system of messaging your friends when you are home (we do it in our 40s "I'm back, had a great night"!

The lad is blameless. Your friend is blameless. Your dd will soon wise up and move on.

Abandoning her was shit.

Other than that though I don't think he's done much wrong. A YEAR ago he was in to her. Over the past year this has waned. If they were going to be in a relationship they would have been. It's been how long exactly? Over a year minimum. That's crazy that anyone thought they would ever up in a relationship

So basically OP, your daughter went out with no plan of how to get home until she happened to end up in the same place as this guy? Who would you be blaming if they hadn't met up?

Just had a thought Op, is there a chance that your DDs choice of course was influenced by the fact that the boy had applied to that University? And if it was were you aware of it at the time? I hope not for both their sakes.

This is what I thought happened, in which case what's he done wrong?

Abandoning her was shit.

Is that what actually happened though?