To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

Oh my god, get her told! It sounds like he needs reading the riot act, regardless of his age.

Ok so he was shit to leave her to get home when they agreed to walk together, BUT she should have had a back up plan in case they get separated. I lived at home during uni so never had anyone to travel back with - it was actually good for me to learn to get home by myself. Always have a bus route planned/ a bit of money saved for a taxi in case. And now at least she knows (hopefully) not to rely on him. I think she needs to develop way more independence and friendships away from her home circle.

And I think you need to remove the fact you know his mother from your thinking. Advise her as if this was some random boy. Get other DC to tell her what they heard, she needs to know sooner rather than later.

At some point maybe say to your friend in a factual way ‘I think there’s been a bit of awkwardness at uni. It seems that DS was confused in what he wanted from DD, and I was quite surprised when he ditched her one night after they agreed to walk home together. Hopefully they can both expand their social circle this term”

Users aren't always safe, I wouldn't recommend them based on stuff I've seen in the news. But yes, it was bad he promised & then didn't, but your dd needs to have back-ups so she's not so dependent.
Sally, as you say, he is more likely to be beaten, but walking w someone would protect him too surely? & boys are generally stronger & therefore can more easily fight someone off, & less likely to be sexually attacked. Ofc teenage boys often prefer to stay out late.

If getting an Uber always make a phone call loudly ‘Hi mum, I’m in an Uber, yep I’ve shared the journey with you, see you soon’ - even though I’m nearly 40 and even if I’m going back to an empty house 😅

Maybe it would. You and your daughter are projecting a fantasy on this kid. He probably genuinely liked her as a friend and your daughter misread that friendship through the filter of her attraction to him. Your job here is to help her understand that, rather than scapegoat a teenager because this hasn't gone as you'd maybe hoped.

I agree, and feel sorry for the boy. For all we know, the dd may have even planned this walk in the hope that the relationship moves on and the boy felt pressurised. I really disagree with possessive behaviour towards others. If they want to be our friend, date or partner they will give these signals and everything will fall into place. if not, then not, move on this boy does not owe her.

What the 'riot act' because a friend's expectation he'll get into a relationship with her hasn't come to fruition?

OP, I think its poor form too. But I also think it's the conduct of someone who wasn't really thinking and had a more exciting offer. Shit, but it was his right to do so - whether we think it's unacceptable or not.

You need to move on from the walk home fail and work on building your dd's resilience. My own dd had barely turned 18 last year when she went to uni. I have drilled it into her to not rely on anyone for walks, lifts etc. I have also said not to hang around if she can't find her friends. My priority is her and I want her to be her own priority. This extends to shabby behaviour from mates too.

I wonder if you indulge her woe. Personally, I would be telling her what I heard about boy and friend and encouraging her to drop the pair of them.

It is most unfortunate she has followed faces from home to university. But until she accepts the boy isn't interested, and isn't even much of a friend, the quicker she will adjust and start to enjoy this new chapter in her life.

About a year ago it looked certain they would get together, he was doing all the chasing.

That has eased off I would say over the past summer whereby I picked up that he seemed less “interested “ when he came over. Instead of making dd back off this seemed to make her make more effort.

Reading this bit, I would assume that after chasing her for over six months, the he likely assumed she wasn't interested, backed off and moved on. He can't be expected to read her mind.

I had a couple of experiences giving similarly mixed signals to guys I liked at uni and the whole thing was mortifyingly awkward and embarrassing in the way that only teenage crushes can be. Still cringe now to think about it.

Not walking her home suggests he's inconsiderate and not a great catch, but I think this might be a time for a "plenty more fish" chat and moving on.

I think this is a classic case of you wanting to help and protect your daughter but the best thing as a parent you can do is not interfere. Yes provide emotional support and a shoulder to cry on, however at some point an 18 year old needs to learn that shitty things can happen to them emotionally and their parents can't stop them.

I was your daughter at that age. "Moving towards" something else with my best male friend. I adored him, but he got together with my best friend. Turns out he'd seen me as nothing more than a friend all along. My parents stayed out of it. It was incredibly painful but a rite of passage almost. He was very fond of me but he didn't fancy me. You can't make someone fancy you by fancying them harder.

Leaving her to walk home alone was shitty though. Young men can be incredibly thoughtless.

The riot act = how not to treat girls like utter shit.

He needs reading what? For what? Why?

Was anyone complaining about her 'shitty behaviour' when he was chasing her around for a year and she was showing lack of interest, stringing him, encouraging him?

No?

So how come its shitty behaviour when the shoe is on the other foot?

He is not responsible for getting her home either, she is a grown adult. I left home at 17 and was working night shifts, getting the last bus home at gone midnight, I didnt have nor did I need a chaperone. How insulting!

There are so many clubs and societies at unis, she needs to join a few, they ended up being my best friends at uni, not my flatmates.

There will be some kind of student services dept that will be able to advise her in when/where and how to join

My gods some of you really will do anything to avoid confrontation.

If my daughter were being horribly treated by the son of a close friend, I'd be telling her so she can deal with her son, and perhaps teach him how to treat girls with respect, and not whatever this nastiness is. You are never too old to be corrected by your parents when you're behaving terribly.

Meanwhile OPs daughter can slowly heal, and the shitbag can stay away from her.

You need to focus on encouraging your DD to make friends.

Did she participate in Freshers week? Has she signed up to any clubs or societies?
Who is she sharing with? Can they have a film night?

It's hard but she needs to stand on own two feet.

I wouldn't personally act based off third hand data.

There was a very similar thread over the weekend of a parent finding out her DDs boyfriend had cheated on her after only a few weeks of uni. The general consensus seemed to be "stay out of it", and just be a supportive shoulder for your DD when the time comes.

Your DD struggling to settle at uni is a separate issue. Honestly, I was the same. I didn't enjoy uni, mostly because I struggled to find a friendship group. Not something I'd struggled with before or since! I didn't pal up with anyone really until well into second year, and that girl and I have been besties for the better part of 20 years. Her, and one "Christmas card friend" is all I have from my uni days.
I think it was made harder because my parents raved about their uni days. They met and fell in love there, and made a really tight group of friends that they're still very close with to this day.

Yes I have been

Yes as much as she could with quiet flat and being ill. Yes she has signed up to 2 so is trying her best.

Nice girls but very quiet, so she is spending more time on her own until she finds nearby friends who are more up for going out. They do mix a bit and watch tv sometimes.

I think you need to tell her. I’ve been her position at that age and I was devastated all my friends knew what was going on but no-one told me. It made me feel like a fool.

@Watermelon212 and why doesn't she want to be friends with the "quiet" girls?

The problem here - and I think this is clear from the balance of responses - is that she was not being treated like shit. A boy she liked didn’t like her back.

Yes I agree, and haven’t acted because of this

Yes this is a separate issue which if it wasn’t an issue would have helped massively because she would have been more distracted

She does/is when she sees them, they get on ok but aren’t around much

You are fixating on the boy way too much. He's not behaved brilliantly but it's nothing major, and you should be focused much more on helping your DD build resilience and independence and find ways to meet more people, rather than mulling on the boys' behaviour let alone having it on your mind when you see his mum.

Ok, so the walking home thing is not amazing, but realistically your daughter does need a back up option rather than relying on one boy. I do think that you are bringing a lot of baggage into this and overreacting because you are cross with him on your daughter's behalf on the relationships front.

On relationships, it sounds as if your daughter might be naive and this boy hasn't really done something wrong, necessarily. Her friend, if her friend knows that she likes him, is far worse. There are various things here:

1. He "chased" her - maybe he did for a bit and went off her but remained friendly, which she continued to misinterpret? If he did chase her, why didn't she go for it if she really wanted something to happen? It's frankly not hard to flirt back and then observe what happens - either a pretty unambiguous move forward will be made, or if behaviour remains pretty ambiguous you're probably not first choice and you should leave it and get over it. 18 year old boys are not usually very subtle - if she is expecting him to behave like a 30 something from a romcom, that is very unrealistic. Hugs and arm around the shoulder type stuff is not meaningful as a teen - friendships can be tactile at that age.

1. You said he backed off - why did your DD not notice? If you noticed, it was pretty obvious.

I don't think that the boy can be blamed for "encouraging" her even if he knew how she felt - he wanted to be friends, but any nice thing he did would have been interpreted as being interested by someone who was madly in love with him at that stage. Teenage boys are not great at letting people down gently - it's an art that comes with age and really I don't think you can get too cross at him for lack of clarity.

Either he was aware that she was totally in love with him and found it intensely awkward and she really should have been aware enough to have noticed and backed off (but he shouldn't really have pursued her friend behind her back) or he didn't because your daughter's behaviour could have been close friendship rather than interest and so it was less of an issue to pursue her friend.

I'd tell her asap if it were me

Where they both leaving the night out at the same time?