To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

agree my mum had zero idea of my day to day life at uni - it is lovely she is close to you but she isn't a child you just can't get involved at this level.

Who she goes home with/ arguments on nights out - that is for her as a young adult to navigate. I know its hard when she is struggling but - I think there is too much info sharing going on here!

the lad is 18 - he is allowed to make poor decisions, even be selfish sometimes.

I think you are meddling, as evidenced by telling your other DC not to tell their sister. It makes perfect sense for your DC to say "by the way, what's this about Boy and Best Friend??? I heard they're hooking up, is that true?". Problem solved.

Your daughter sounds a lot like me as an 18 year old. I had a huge crush on a guy and I was convinced we were moving towards being in a relationship. We weren't. I was so far into the fantasy in my head that I overinterpreted every connection with the boy to make it a sign of his feelings for me. I wonder if he did actually promise to walk her home, or did he say something vague about maybe they would be leaving at the same time, and she overinterpreted it? It is absolutely something I would have done at that age. I would definitely tell her about the girlfriend. You need to burst her fantasy about him. It will hurt and she will be very sad for a while, but you will be there to help her move on.

Much better to stay out of this. It is awful seeing a beloved daughter getting hurt, but you can't do anything about this. She will come through and be OK. Absolutely don't involve your friend!

U can’t control who sees who, it’s up to them, no matter how hard yr daughter is hurting keep yr mouth closed, his moment want to hear.

My husband is in a group of male friends where two of the men are now not speaking because the son of one of them is now going out with the ex girlfriend of the son of the other's.

The wives have fallen out big time and it won't ever be fixed.

So I would say to be aware of the consequences of saying anything to your friend.

Tbh I think you could use this as an opportunity to step back and not be so involved in your daughter's love life. I never told my mum a thing and never put her in difficult situations like this.

Exactly.
It’s not his responsibility to walk her home.

It is such a basic rule, that those that go out together, go home together safely.

He's 18, not 5.
He has behaved really poorly.
I would be appalled if either of my sons did this.
They wouldn't though, because they are decent young lads that wouldn't dream of leaving a girl stranded on her own late at night.

It just isn't what nice kids do to their friends when out late.
Even more so when far away from home.

There's nothing the boys mum can do or say to rectify what went on between her son and your daughter. It's unclear whether it was considered exclusive from his side, seeing as you put boyfriend in inverted commas.
She'll make new friends, new boyfriends etc. Her and this lad are their own business, she'll soon know what's going on. and getting involved via his mum won't help sadly.
Be supportive to her of course. But no point getting more involved than necessary, as you said, they're adults.

To add, at that age I'd also have been annoyed and bemused if a uni mate's mum complained to my mum about not babysitting an adult on a night out. Sure, ideally you'd walk home with someone on a night out but plans change, especially when everyone's been drinking and it's all a bit messy. Surely there were other people there that she could have stayed with or could have gone into a takeaway while calling a cab?

Why would you interfere in adults lives? This isn't a relationship that went wrong this looks very like an over estimation from a young girl.

They didn't go out together according to the posts.

Another aspect OP, his mum will definitely mention it to him.

That's a sure fire way to kill her reputation at uni. Everyone will know. Just don't do it.

All of this. I was 400 miles from home with no one I knew in the same city.
Cut the apron strings and let her go. Yes, she is going to have her heart broken. That is normal and you cannot and should not intervene.
This is a massive downside to modern life. The ease of communications makes it impossible for young people to live their own lives without anxious mothers/parents constantly looking out for them.

And if I were 'Susan' and smugly lectured like that by a 'friend'? I'd go the MN NC and yes I would speak to my son and tell him to avoid the bay shittery madness!

I'd stay out of it if I were you. All parties are adults and it does not seem that any criminal offences have been committed.

You remind me of the mum of by ex. I dumped him at 17 and she stopped speaking to me parents after yelling at them in a pub one night saying I was heartless!

She never spoke to them again even though they were neighbours.

If anything it sounds like he was interested and she didn't respond.

Stay out of it.

I think regardless of gender it's shocking behaviour if they've been out and are under the influence.

My son was out with his friend at a pub near his friends just recently, very rural and it ended up my son couldn't get a taxi. The friend just left him and went home. I wouldn't have expected them to walk each other home or anything, but at least to have checked he was actually able to get home instead of being stranded in the middle of nowhere! (my thoughts immediately jumped to Jay Slater).

When the shoe has been on the other foot my son has always let his friends friends stay over with him.

People are different, whether this boy just wasn't thinking because he was having a good time is beside the point. He doesn't care about your daughter and I agree with a PP it's this that you should use to help her understand she deserves better and that sadly, he's just not that into her.

I feel very sorry for he that it's her best friend he's dating as that won;t be nice, but she won't be the first to have to deal with this and she'll be ok in the long run.

However...if she finds out her Mum and sister knew, along with everyone else, and didn't tell her, she's going to be humiliated. I agree with keeping your nose out to a certain point, but this will be a big deal for her and then she'll find out on top of that you'll all have been letting her continue this infatuation knowing full well it's not going anywhere.

soupfiend, if she didn't show interest then she wasn't stringing him along? Stringing him along would be blowing hot & cold, giving mixed messages. But yes, she needs to stop being the damsel in distress if it took her a year to realise she liked him & now he's not interested. And maybe he was stringing her along, but it sounds like he wasn't, it was just poor communication & normal issues being blown into drama.

I’m sorry but I think that’s ridiculous. Why can’t she walk home herself?
I’m 55 and have walked home myself many times, through the park late at night. And yes, I’m talking about recently.

She is NOT his responsibility. HE is far more likely to be attacked than HER.
Who walks HIM home and ensures his safety?

If you were my friend and said my son who is not your daughter's boyfriend has mistreated her when he has been offering emotional support I would most definitely tell him to avoid your daughter altogether because her mother is already acting strangely and I would worry that the daughter is likely to end up likewise!

Why didn’t your son ask to go home with his friend and try to call a taxi from there? Or ask if he could crash there for the night?

I think you're seeing all the drama and forget that your primary task it is to be there for your daughter.
They're 18. Drama, love, disappointments etc. - it's all a part of it. You should teach your daughter how to best cope with that, not get all sucked into it.

Oh missed that...thanks.

Your daughter is not HIS responsibility, though! He’s allowed to change his mind, go off with other friends etc.
It sounds like she needs to develop a lot more resilience and independence. Always make sure that she has a means of getting home.