To want to tell friend how her son has treated my daughter…

[Watermelon212]

Currently fighting the urge to tell friend the above. I won’t because friend is lovely and her son is an adult (18). Instead when I meet up with her I plaster a smile on while listening to how happy her son is and how well he’s doing, while knowing my daughter is struggling and isolated, caused in part by her son.

Her son has treated my daughter very badly, he has trampled over her feelings, left her in a very vulnerable situation on a night out and betrayed her trust by secretly pursuing her best friend.

They have just started uni, it’s already an emotional time, when you want to make new connections but rely on home friends for support. My daughter is about to have that support pulled out from under her when she finds out that her “boyfriend “ who she thought was into her is now actually with her best friend and she has no idea yet. They have both kept it from her.

I found out through my other child and have no idea if I tell her or not. She is already struggling to settle into uni.

thanks

In fact, I'd probably encourage sibling to tell her. I could then be detached but sympathetic. And also try to encourage her to see her lucky escape

Does your other DC not feel she should tell her sister what is going on/what she has heard? I find it odd that no one is telling your DD what everyone else knows.

It’s got nothing to do with avoiding confrontation.

The boy was interested in OP’s daughter, she didn’t reciprocate. Rather than pursuing her when she showed no interest, he took the hint and became interested in someone else. If he hadn’t he’d be being accused of all sorts of creepy. As he started to distance himself, OP’s daughter became more interested. If OP’s daughter was male then she’d be being called for only wanting him when he’s interested in someone else.

He’s not been a shitbag. He’s been a teenage boy but he’s respected when she’s not interested. Slowly heal? It’s a case of unrequited love in two teenagers not a 40 year marriage that has ended when you’ve found out your spouse has a secret family.

Thanks I agree 100%

The thing is, in another universe there’s a mother posting because she’s worried about her son.

He really liked a girl, ‘chased’ her for about a year, but she didn’t seem interested. He backed off, and as soon as he did, the girl decided she was interested (op has confirmed this to be true).

He’s now moved away to uni, but the girl has gone there too. The girl’s mother is concerned that the boy choosing this uni was a factor in the girl’s decision (again from the ops post).

The girl and boy are now both at the same uni, but the girl is having a really hard time settling in. She’s texting the boy, expecting emotional support (also confirmed by the op). The boy is also only 18, also trying to settle in away from home for the first time, and unlikely able / want to provide this.

The advice would all be that the woman should encourage her son to back away.

not at least ensuring the girl got a taxi home was not great (although not the crime it’s been made out to be). But given all the other information, poor communication could well be at play. Or the boy feeling smothered / overwhelmed by the girls needs.

If you agree to walk a friend home you don't run out on them! Making sure everyone gets home safely is part of going out in groups or among friends

Yes I would be too - and I’d tell her the next time she sings his praises.

‘Susan, I’d rather not hear anything about Jack right now, as he promised to walk Lucy back home and then went to X’s , leaving her on her own’.

If someone said that to me about my DS, I’d be on the phone to him asap.

Ah, OP - I can see why this really stings for you. As you no doubt already know since you have two children at uni, it's so painful to see our children getting their feelings hurt and suffering disappointment. And particularly painful when your friend is talking about her son having such a marvellous time at uni whilst your DD is struggling.

Given what appears to be unfolding, it seems unfortunate that your DD is at the same university as her best friend and this lad but it's understandable that she saw that as an attraction when she was applying for university. It's also rather unhelpful that she has quiet flatmates who don't want to go out as they could be an easy source of social distraction otherwise.

However, hopefully she will meet some more outgoing people in her classes and at any uni societies which are of interest to her. It's still early days. My DD took a good couple of months to settle into her uni last year. It had been her first choice uni and where she very much wanted to go but until about 8 weeks into term (i.e. mid-November or so), she was talking about giving it until Xmas and then possibly dropping out. She didn't do that and now loves it but it took a while for her to settle.

I don't think this lad has really done anything wrong. Sounds like he made lots of effort for a sustained period of time: how come they didn’t get together then? It might be worth your DD working out why she became interested in him only as he started to withdraw - she may be forming some emotional habits which will not serve her well.

He's perhaps been a bit selfish and thoughtless but we're allowed to be those things as very young adults.

Given what you and your other DD have heard - I think you probably do have to tell your DD because it doesn't really seem right that you have this knowledge and she doesn't. She will presumably find out at some time and, if she hears it from you, you can also be particularly sensitive in how you respond to any reactions she might have (like tears, anger etc). There may already have been a few things happening socially which might have seemed a bit strange to her and this will supply context for those things (i.e. seeing less of her friend and this guy than she might have expected to).

Good luck navigating this with her, OP.

But as far as her feelings for him go, I think that’s harder to pin on him. She’s going to have to learn to to deal with a broken heart, sadly- and then hopefully move on quickly, as most of us have to. But it hurts at 18/19, and it’s hard when you’re away at uni.

OP, I can see why you're upset and hurt for your daughter, although her situation is not unusual and just comes with the territory at that age.

18 year olds are often thoughtless and careless, I really wouldn't fixate on the fact that he didn't walk her home annoying and all as it might be, it's not reasonable to trust him - a teenager - with her safety.

I know you're focussed on this lad, but all you can do it really emphasise to your DD about getting home safely after a night out. If you can, make sure she has emergency taxi fare at all times - you might go as far as to set up an account with a local taxi firm. That means she won't be relying on another - possibly drunk and a bit flakey - teenager to get her home.

What? When he'd agreed they'd walk home together?

He could have declined before

This. And young people's emotions/relationships can be blurred and unsteady.
Painful that your daughter will be upset; u will be there 4 her

Slowly heal!!!

Was she a shitbag when she was being chased by him for nearly a year but didnt commit to him then?

She hasnt been treated horribly, there is no 'confrontation' to be had about anything, and his adult relationships are nothing to do with his mother.

You sound like a drama llama

Get your other DC to tell her. It'll be better coming from a sibling. And then just be there.

I don't know about the going out thing. When you're on a night out, people's plans change. Maybe she wanted to go home and he wanted to stay later. Yes it's not great, but it's not really shitty behaviour. Everyone is responsible for themselves. I think the main problem is that she doesn't have other friends yet so is relying on these two.

They might have agreed to walk home together, that doesnt make one of them responsible for the other

How come she allowed him to go off on his own to a party, was he safe, were the friends at the party safe people, did she check, why didnt she make sure she went with him?

See how ridiculous that sounds?

This is one of those situations where I think the "offending party" probably has no idea that he's caused any hurt.

From his perspective, he was interested in his mom's friend's daughter a year ago. He made a point of hanging out with her, flirting and testing the waters, but she wasn't into it and so eventually he backed off. Once he backed
off, she became warmer and reached out more, so he assumed that he was right to drop the idea of dating; he was obviously making her uncomfortable and now that it's all platonic they can be close friends. So off they go to uni, and he meets another girl, the first girl's best friend. It would be awkward if he ever dated that first girl, but he didn't. So he pursues the new girl, she's receptive, and they get together. They're having a lot of fun and if things get more serious they'll let people know they're dating, but right now it's early days and casual.

It's just a missed connection for your daughter and it's unfortunate, but she'll navigate it and learn from it.

Id probably speak to my friend about it and say pretty much what you’ve said here apart from the smiling your way through it etc - I’d say you’ve found out and you are worried your dd doesn’t know and that it’s a betrayal of her trust. Ask your friend what she thinks you should both do.. really the answer is nothing other than her speaking to her son (like an adult) and saying it’s best to be honest with people and not treat them badly.
when your dd does find out I would be telling her that a year is too long to wait for someone to just be a boyfriend!

You have only one side of this. When I've been with a friend who has a crush on me, there have been times that I've really needed to step away from their company. Especially when I was 18, or thereabouts.

We don't even know for a fact that this boy was ever that interested but backed off from disappointment. That sounds like cope. The boy was probably genuinely interested in a good friendship. Realised that his friend had a crush on him and tried to put up boundaries by backing off.

But they're not together!!! All they've done is hugged!

It's bunny boiler behaviour to act like they're in a relationship because they're friendly with each other

Why are you so involved with her love life to this degree OP?

I'm confused.

At that age, my DMum had no clue WTH I was up to and with whom. It would not have registered with her thankfully.

Your daughter is going to have her heart broken, probably time and again. It's how we learn to navigate life and allows us to grow a thick skin for the real dirty stuff of life.

No way. I have been to and still go to all kinds of events and one of the basic rules of friendship is you make sure everyone is getting home safe, especially if the group breaks up during the event. That's why you move together.

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to back off and let your DD be an independent adult. You're way, WAY too involved in your young adult daughter's love/social life.

At 18 I was away to a distant uni too and my mum had no idea who I fancied, who I was seeing or how I was getting home from a night out.
I travelled alone across the country and abroad, had jobs and managed my own social and love life. Had similar situations like your DDs with unrequited love, heartbreak and immature behaviour from boys. Like others have said, it's part and parcel of this stage in life.
I'd have been MORTIFIED if my mum had gone to a crush's mum to complain about him on my behalf.
I'm guessing your DD is naive because you've been quite protective and over involved so far.
Her being away from home will be a good chance to spread her wings and learn how to deal with situations herself. By all means, be a supportive listening ear but otherwise let her be.

I agree (although haven’t read all your posts yet OP) but based on the information so far, I think your DD and you are putting far too much pressure on an 18 year old lad your DD has a crush on.

Sounds like he doesn’t fancy her but likes her as a mate. Likes the attention though from her but doesn’t know how to stop it without hurting her feelings. Sounds like a typical 18 year old guy to me. Let your DD’s sibling tell her and just let them sort it out between themselves. It’s important for your DD to be able to handle rejection and this is where you can offer your support.

I think being an emotional fuckwit is part of growing up!

My mum never knew about the many ways boys were shit to me/ I was shit to them etc etc part of growing up

I think you need to massively disengage.

Exactly! How terrible of her!! She cared more about herself and that she wanted to go home than worry about him off with STRANGERS!! She should have stayed with him!