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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

574 replies

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 20:49

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Foxlovesfruit · 06/10/2024 23:15

This is a family holiday with your MIL included. That's lovely. But why does he and she have to have a meal together alone on this holiday, excluding you and the children? It's a weeks holiday for you all. It's bizarre. I do think the apron strings need to loosen somewhat.

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 23:16

Hell would freeze over before I would go on this holiday OP.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:16

JudgeJ · 06/10/2024 21:55

If this post were saying that a husband objects to his wife having dinner with her mother a couple of times a month there would be a totally different reaction! Obviously the mother should at least be offering to pay something towards the meal and the question of the holiday is different though.

Show quote history

No, in the same circumstances, it would be the same.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:18

Waffle19 · 06/10/2024 21:59

MN is absolutely bonkers at times. My mum has joined us for holidays before and we will always try to go out for drinks / dinner one night while DH minds the kids. I’ve never even thought twice about it, neither has DH. I love to spend time with my mum on holiday just as much as I do DH and kids. Doesn’t mean I’m basically dating her FGS.

Likewise if my DH’s mum was with us I’d be encouraging them to go out without me. Parents don’t stop being important figures and people we like to spend time with just because we have our own kids and partner. I’m clearly very much in the minority here though so prepared to get absolutely flamed.

No flaming required but I don't think you can have read all of the OP's posts. This situation is rather different to yours and your mum's.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:22

Viviennemary · 06/10/2024 22:14

She is his mother. Stop being so possessive. It wont hurt you to take her on holiday and for her to go out out with her son one evening. You sound like a bit of a nightmare tbh.

Indeed she does not. Hardly possessive!! Plus the nightmare is the MIL!

MIL's the weirdly possessive one here - not enough to have dinner once a week with her son excluding his family, but to muscle in on their holiday without paying a penny, and expecting to leave her DIL languishing on her own in their accommodation! Are you mad?!!

Happygogoat · 06/10/2024 23:22

I wouldn’t mind this if it was a special one off, if not for the fact they regularly have dinner together anyway?! And going out for it; not like him popping in en route home or something. It’s weird. She’s dating him.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:28

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:35

She carried him for 9 months.
It's not a lot to take your own mother out for dinner once a week.

She paid for his upbringing and probably helped him whilst he got up on his own 2 feet, so what if he pays some of her expenses?!!

It's her only kid - of course she's going to like home more than anyone else in the world.

Don't you have your own parents to hang out with?

As for the holiday - as long as he's not with her 24/7 or dining alone for more than a couple of times, what's the issue?

You'll be the first querying the will when she passes on!

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She doesn't get to have first fucking dibs on him because she gave birth to him! Presumably the OP is left 'holding the babies' while he buys her and him dinner out once a week - that's actually nuts! Couldn't she cook dinner for him once in a while even instead of sponging off the OP and her DH? Why can't he take the kids and his wife to see her on a Sunday afternoon like normal people do? I'd be furious if my DH pissed money away like that that we couldn't spare!

The will? That'll be a laugh because she has no money rofl!!

ProvincialLady2024 · 06/10/2024 23:30

Can't your DH take her on a UK weekend break without you? Better still - they can take the kids too!

MrsPeterHarris · 06/10/2024 23:32

ohthejoys21 · 06/10/2024 20:53

I'm
Sorry I agree with you op.. he doesn't leave you with the kids and take his mum out on holiday. She's lucky to be there in the first place! I think this would bother a lot of people.

This! It would definitely bother me! Not a chance I'd be accepting of this.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:33

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:48

No, I'm not.
You're not very good at guessing are you?!

I'm just not selfish.

On a larger scale putting your parents in old people homes, not wanting them to use their own money for their own care but, wanting it all for yourself as inheritance.
That's what this society mostly does to their elders.
On a smaller scale - moaning about dinner!
It's disgusting how people treat their parents and in laws.
You'll all get old one day if you're lucky - you'll want your adult kids around then and might understand what this mother in law is going through.

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WTAF has this got to do with putting anyone in an old people's home!!!

I'm fairly old. I'd rather go in an old people's home than force my family to be my carers. Because I'm not selfish either, you see.

You have totally and completely missed the entire point here. This is NOT about one dinner. Far from it. This is a mother who is weirdly possessive of her son to the exclusion of her DIL and grandchildren, and that is just bizarre. A woman who can't control her spending to the extent that she regularly sponges off her only son who can't afford it, and has his own children! If you want to get on like that, then you do you. I wouldn't! Because "I'm just not selfish". This dame is totally selfish. And that's "disgusting"!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/10/2024 23:33

Anonym00se · 06/10/2024 23:06

Maybe suggest he knocks his weekly date nights with her on the head to save a bit of cash.

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100% this.

You need to get a bit firmer with your DH that you as a family cannot afford these weekly mother/son date nights and shouting her this holiday. It's utterly ridiculous that your DH will happily spend so much family money on this leech. I bet he doesn't take you out weekly to dinner!

I'd absolutely be using finances as a reason for him to start reducing these weekly dinners down to monthly. Why can't she just make a simple meal at her house for her boyfriend son?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/10/2024 23:37

Sadly you married a Mummy's boy.

She works, if she wants to go on holiday she pays for herself.
if she doesn't work full time maybe she will be eligible for universal credit ?

shame it was only 20 miles you moved, and shame she lives near husband's work.

btw she won't be doing childcare on a family holiday, you will be doing that. She will expect your husband to look after her and keep her company. There will be 2 groups on this holiday, her and him, and you and the children.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:37

FussyFusspott · 06/10/2024 22:54

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice no DH will want us to find the money to pay for her - flights, hotel and all spending money.

That's just not on. I'd put my foot down even if for that reason only. She's a grown ass woman. Why the hell would you have to provide her with spending money? OMG! She can't afford to eat out at night! Maybe she needs to wind her neck in!

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:39

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:56

That's why this society is failing.

Natural order.
Parents look after their kids.
Adult kids look after their parents.
Grandparents help adult kid's spouses.
That way you really do have it all.

Did she kick him out / stopped help before 21?
If not, then she helped him as an adult which she didn't have to.

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This bloody woman is fit, healthy and working - she doesn't need bloody looking after!

She should be ashamed of herself, literally taking money that could be used on her grandchildren!!

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:40

Justice4Friend · 06/10/2024 22:57

Good to know she's spent her money on herself.

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Are you for real?

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:42

SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus · 06/10/2024 22:58

IMPORTANT POINT TO NOTE: @FussyFusspott your OP and your feelings, your DHs attitude and the responses of everyone on here will be 100% coloured by their own life experience. There isn't any right or wrong because it just depends on how you feel. Which in turn is based on your own life experiences.

I think anyone who is close to their parents enjoys seeing them and spending time with them - including having some time alone. Everyone likes that. How would you feel if you only ever saw your best friend with her bf? even if you wanted some time together and she insisted on bringing him?

So the people with happy close relationships with parents will give you once answer.
The women who get on with their MIL will give you another.
The women who hate their MIL will give you another.

Do you see my point? Everyone comes with their own agenda.

My view point is:

  • Its a great GREAT thing to have a partner who loves, is respectful of his mother and likes to spend time with her.
  • In general, there's nothing wrong with wanting some one-on-one time with people you care about and love. It's very normal.
  • You obviously don't particularly like your MIL (enmeshed/overbearing)- so do you actually REALLY want to go to dinner with them? Or are you just making an unnecessary point because you want him to pick you over her? It feels a bit like you just dont want him to go for dinner with her alone because you don't want him to do that rather than because you really want to be there too. As if you are offended that he wants to see his mother alone.
  • Does it occur to you that if you don't particularly like your MIL, that she may feel the same? Even if she doesn't, maybe your DH would like to spend a bit of alone time with her because your feelings towards MIL leak out and make him feel a bit tense?
  • For many people, their mother is one of their closest life relationships and a sounding board for life. Do you ever confide in your mother or ask her advice about issues with you and your DH? Even if you don't, lots of people will and it doesn't follow that every meeting should be chaperoned.
  • Finally, getting older absolutely sucks. Physical and mental illness creep up all too fast. Let his mother have a bit of pleasure. It won't kill you and it would probably mean the world to her. Lots of people die unexpectedly every year.

Another one spectacularly missing the point. And I am only a few years younger than the MIL here. I think her behaviour is outrageous and I wouldn't do that to any of my children.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:44

Demonhunter · 06/10/2024 23:06

Hold on a minute. So because I have boys, I'm not allowed to have as close a relationship with them as my mum does with me, when they're adults, because they're sons and not daughters?

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Untwist your knickers - that's not what she's saying!!

Toomanyemails · 06/10/2024 23:44

Have you read the novel Love Marriage OP? It's a fab book and has an overly enmeshed DP/MIL.
It sounds like quite an uncomfortable dynamic and while it's wonderful for adult children to be close to their parents it doesn't quite sound like he fully prioritises you and DC.

Figsonit · 06/10/2024 23:45

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
There will be 2 groups on this holiday, her and him, and you and the children.

Exactly this. She'd see you as the au pair, only there to mind the children while the adults enjoyed themselves.

healthybychristmas · 06/10/2024 23:45

She's only 67! She's treating her son like a husband and that's really unhealthy for all of you.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:45

Anonym00se · 06/10/2024 23:06

Maybe suggest he knocks his weekly date nights with her on the head to save a bit of cash.

Show quote history

Absolutely this - no reason why he can't spend time with her, go for a cuppa on the way home from work or something, not expect him to pay for 2 meals out every fucking week!

eatreadsleeprepeat · 06/10/2024 23:49

I have experience of the MIL expectations of her son being in a very close pairing with her but not combined with the financial aspects. Moving to the other end of the country helped, setting boundaries on length of stays helped. Kids getting old enough to send one at a time with DH to visit MIL helped. When it became obvious that she needed to be nearer us I was able to facilitate the move without getting too involved in person, by the time she needed more input from me she was a person in need and I was able to help.
It will change over time, dynamics will change over time, as your children grow up she might get some of the closeness from them.
In the meantime you need boundaries agreed with your DH and followed, regarding time, money and priorities. Maybe set a date that he takes her out on a once a month. On this holiday make sure that she does help with childcare and don’t be so ready to fork out for every coffee and ice cream. Make it a holiday on your terms, you are paying, if that means it isn’t her type of holiday so be it, it might put her off!

SleepPrettyDarling · 06/10/2024 23:49

This is only going to get worse as she ages and becomes more dependent.

Tink3rbell30 · 06/10/2024 23:50

This is fine. He's her child and only child too.

Runnerinthenight · 06/10/2024 23:57

Tink3rbell30 · 06/10/2024 23:50

This is fine. He's her child and only child too.

It's absolutely not fine. I bet you wouldn't tolerate it!! He's an adult with a wife and children of his own. He's not her husband!

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