DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

IMPORTANT POINT TO NOTE: @FussyFusspott your OP and your feelings, your DHs attitude and the responses of everyone on here will be 100% coloured by their own life experience. There isn't any right or wrong because it just depends on how you feel. Which in turn is based on your own life experiences.

I think anyone who is close to their parents enjoys seeing them and spending time with them - including having some time alone. Everyone likes that. How would you feel if you only ever saw your best friend with her bf? even if you wanted some time together and she insisted on bringing him?

So the people with happy close relationships with parents will give you once answer.
The women who get on with their MIL will give you another.
The women who hate their MIL will give you another.

Do you see my point? Everyone comes with their own agenda.

My view point is:

• Its a great GREAT thing to have a partner who loves, is respectful of his mother and likes to spend time with her.
• In general, there's nothing wrong with wanting some one-on-one time with people you care about and love. It's very normal.
• You obviously don't particularly like your MIL (enmeshed/overbearing)- so do you actually REALLY want to go to dinner with them? Or are you just making an unnecessary point because you want him to pick you over her? It feels a bit like you just dont want him to go for dinner with her alone because you don't want him to do that rather than because you really want to be there too. As if you are offended that he wants to see his mother alone.
• Does it occur to you that if you don't particularly like your MIL, that she may feel the same? Even if she doesn't, maybe your DH would like to spend a bit of alone time with her because your feelings towards MIL leak out and make him feel a bit tense?
• For many people, their mother is one of their closest life relationships and a sounding board for life. Do you ever confide in your mother or ask her advice about issues with you and your DH? Even if you don't, lots of people will and it doesn't follow that every meeting should be chaperoned.
• Finally, getting older absolutely sucks. Physical and mental illness creep up all too fast. Let his mother have a bit of pleasure. It won't kill you and it would probably mean the world to her. Lots of people die unexpectedly every year.

Then be needs a plan to find the additional finances and agreement on where the cut backs will be.

A sit down conversation when the kids have gone to bed to go over all of this is the way forward

Oh come off it, this is weird and dysfunctional!! It's really not normal!!

@auroraborearlarse what aura said

Being a mother doesn't mean you get to demand that your child and their spouse pay for you to go on holiday!

There's "spending time" with her and there's neglecting his own young family to prioritise her! I wouldn't want her on holiday with me. It's a bit of a creepy dynamic!

This doesn't have the same vibe as your experience though!! It's all a bit Oedipean!

@SirQuintusAurieliusMaximus. It's also a great thing if your dh has a loving sweet mother who can have time spent with her.
Unfortunately a lot of mums aren't fit to be them.

Or OP can just say no to cutting back unless it's out of her Hs personal spending since he's the one trying to insist she comes.

Also, OP, your H doesn't get to unilaterally decide how you spend your money.

What part of they can’t really afford it do you not understand?

It’s a moot point how much of a parent his mother was if she chooses to be bad with money and her son is taking away from his own family to help her.

Why can't she pay her own way? You've a young family to look after, and it sounds like she's already sponged considerably off your DH in the past!

She's sixtyfuckingseven and it's absolutely ridiculous, but you know this already.

This is not remotely reasonable or normal (IME). I cannot begin to imagine it in my family, either side. None of my siblings would get involved in this, and we have all done holidays with parents.

I would start being very clear and direct with your DH: “Nope: it is a family holiday, me you and the kids, that we are paying for with our family money. She doesn’t get to freeze me out of a night out: 1 night in a week is more than 10% of my holiday. Decide now: is this a family holiday or not? If your Mum calls the shots on this you go away with her and the kids. Leave me out if it, and I’ll spend my holiday money doing something of my choice. Your Mum is welcome on one holiday, and to join us all in the evenings but I will not be turned into the also ran on my own family holiday”.

God, OP, I am boiling on your behalf.

And I am the same age as your MIL. I would be mortified to behave as she does. It’s utterly cringe. I have my known busy life, my own friends and I would shrivel with embarrassment to beg my Dc to take me on hol. And would never treat a Dc-IL like that.

Shocking.

And your DH is pathetic.

Hold on a minute. So because I have boys, I'm not allowed to have as close a relationship with them as my mum does with me, when they're adults, because they're sons and not daughters?

Maybe suggest he knocks his weekly date nights with her on the head to save a bit of cash.

If the holiday has not been booked and she has not been invited then on affordability grounds alone I would say no. An extra adult when you could share a room with your two kids will add a lot to the cost.

By all means he can offer a group holiday next year so she has time to save for it. She can put a deposit down and pay through the year.

Given that he sees her weekly this level of obligation and batshittery is not normal so I would not be sitting in my room parenting solo when a) it's highly unlikely to be returned by your MIL and b) if it is, under sufferance and you'll hear about it until they go to uni. Life is too short.

I would not mind one night, in fact I would probably enjoy it with just the children. X

You're on holiday. You should all be together and your dh should tell his mum no.

Bollocks. It's not transactional. It's a mother sponging off her son who can't really afford it but he can't say no! He has his own children to bring up and they need the money for their family!

My parents always treated us. They knew we weren't flush while we were paying childcare and mortgage, and they wanted to, and could afford to.

Spectacularly missing the point.

OK. Tell him he will need to work out a way to earn extra money to do this or for MIL to save her money towards it, then it can happen. Until then no, because he can't possibly be suggesting that his children or his wife give up things to pay for his mum to have a free holiday, can he? (And if he even hedges on that, shut it right down. She takes enough from your family budget already)

This might sound like a risky plan but I reckon it stands a good chance of meaning this holiday will never happen. Certainly if the envisioned holiday is an all-in beach holiday aboard and not a week in a Sun Holidays caravan somewhere in the UK.

They are married - they need to discuss things. Perhaps the outcome of that discussion will be that he has to fund this additional cost from his own finances. However, the vehicle to coming to that resolution is conversation

I'd deny the holiday @FussyFusspott . You should go with just husband and children. She sounds like she'd take up all the oxygen.

So I’ve been in the situation where I’ve stayed in with the kids while DH took his mum out on holiday. I had no problem with it because his mum lived on the other side of the world so it was really important for them to have time together.

In contrast my mother lived 25 miles away and I saw her regularly. So if we took her on holiday generally we all did something together and usually one night she would offer to babysit so DH and I could go out.

Given he seems to spend a lot of time with her I do think it’s a bit much to insist on a night out alone during a holiday. However equally I don’t understand your resentment of her spending time with the two of you at a family wedding. How does that ‘leave you on your own’? Was it a Noah’s Ark situation where you were expected to line up two by two? My mum is widowed and would always be with me and DH or my brother and SIL at a family function. That’s just normal.

She should certainly be responsible for her spending money. She's not another child. The relationship does sound odd TBH. Most parents support their adult children and if they can't certainly don't make financial demands. She sounds very selfish. Wait till she's living on her pension. Your DH needs to put down some boundaries or you'll be in for a difficult time.