DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

YANBU If you all do go away then I would suggest making it self catering with an expectation and agreement from her that she pulls her weight cooking wise. It shouldn't cost much more to take her. However, given what you've described, I can understand why you wouldn't want her to join you as it sounds like her motivation is a free holiday and not primarily quality Family time.

This isn't about the dinner on holiday - it's about the wider relationship that your husband has with his mother.

It is good that he respects her and values family. So many people rarely visit their parents at all.

The issue is that your expectations of a couples life are not aligned and his, and that his continued participation in his mother's life competes with the investment that you would prefer go into you as a couple.

This is a not uncommon situation when marrying Southern European, Caribbean and Asian men in particular as they typically very close to their mothers - I have a friend who left her Italian husband for this reason.

It sounds as if this has been a running issue that has affected many aspects of your marriage.

I would be having a sit down conversation with him to discuss what you both want from a relationship as a couple, and mutually agree on a framework that allows ongoing participation of his mother while allowing you to have the couples time that you desire.

In parallel, it my be worth looking into the childcare challenge, as if you continue like this, you risk burnout. Are there any other mums nearby?

You need to seek help for your warped mind.

No, I'm not.
You're not very good at guessing are you?!

I'm just not selfish.

On a larger scale putting your parents in old people homes, not wanting them to use their own money for their own care but, wanting it all for yourself as inheritance.
That's what this society mostly does to their elders.
On a smaller scale - moaning about dinner!
It's disgusting how people treat their parents and in laws.
You'll all get old one day if you're lucky - you'll want your adult kids around then and might understand what this mother in law is going through.

Sorry, but I think this is odd. I’ve been on holiday with inlaws and it involves all of us being together. Similarly we’ve sent the kids to stay with them so that we have a few days alone (or I’ve had an operation!).

I think the ‘enmeshed’ aspect of this is at the heart of this - your DH needs to encourage her to go and make a life for herself, to meet people. He is actually enabling her dependence upon him by behaving as he is. Popping over to see her and maybe sharing a meal she’s prepared once or twice a month is fine - but a formal dinner out, every week, without you and the kids? Nope. He should be taking you out once or twice a month, with a babysitter for the kids (ie no more expensive than a weekly meal out with his mum). Your relationship should be the most important, followed by that with his kids.

This relationship therefore seems deeply unhealthy - I utterly adore my son. He’s my youngest, 16 and a 6ft 3 cuddly bundle of a lad. He’s affectionate, funny and lovely to be with and without doubt my favourite person in the world. But when he’s married with kids, I would hope to become close to his entire family and help out where I could (and his and his partner’s invitation). I absolutely would not expect him to take an evening out of his week, after work, away from his family to be with me.

I’m sorry, but I’d be asking him to seek some counselling support on how to unmesh from this relationship and I absolutely would not be taking her on holiday - you both know she will not be there as the evening babysitter… plus there are kids clubs and babysitters anyway, should you wish to have an evening out just the two of you. You will become the third wheel. So no.

Unless she fancies a long weekend at Butlins or Centre Parc?

Definitely don’t tolerate this. Your husband should respect you more.

DP's mum sadly is no longer with us so I can't answer from my perspective, but I do know that my DP would not bat an eyelid at this if I were to go for a meal with my mum on holiday. It also wouldn't even register on his radar how regularly I see my mum in an evening to have food together.

He certainly wouldn't sell her coming on holiday with us under the guise of childcare. He actively encourages/invites her to come with us so she can have a break, knowing she has nobody else to take a break with.

Agree.
This poster needs help.

I'm bemused why so many people seem to think it's fine that someone demands to be taken on holiday, all expenses paid, and not have to contribute anything towards it.

I presume she's been told you can't afford to bring her on holiday without a contribution from her? What was her response to that?

She carried him for 9 months.
It's not a lot to take your own mother out for dinner once a week.
She paid for his upbringing and probably helped him whilst he got up on his own 2 feet, so what if he pays some of her expenses?!!

That’s called being a parent. Those are things that she as his mother was responsible for when she chose to have him.

It is also a lot and an issue if OP and her DH cannot afford to do these things, especially when MIL is choosing to be bad with money.

Expecting your adult child to cover your bad money management because you chose to have them decades ago is gross.

I actually don't agree with any of this.
The Mother should be paying for herself.

@Justice4Friend I'm sorry but you're being very presumptuous to talk about wills and inheritance- MIL has cost us a small fortune over the years and there certainly won't be any inheritance!

Obviously we all advise based on our own experiences. My own MIL was a strong opinionated woman. My Xdh was the golden boy. Both walked all over me. I was young at the time. Wouldn’t have put up with any off it now.

Omg op some of these replies are a joke!!
Loving and spending time with mum absolutely fine but combining that with bloody holidays and she doesn't like you there all the time??

Of course not!!!

You need to get more demanding.
She's not in the slightest respectful of you or your marriage she's lonely but self centered.

Op scale all this right back this is a precious holiday for you and dh and children. Absolutely not. He can take her away for the weekend.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice no DH will want us to find the money to pay for her - flights, hotel and all spending money.

Something you think you have observed as 'quite common' because of the individuals involved doesn't mean you can extrapolate to everyone.

My weird-ass relationship with my mother doesn't = all mother/daughter relationships are weird.

@Milkand2sugarsplease it seems like one of those "nights". Op don't listen to them

This dinner for 2 scenario in the middle of your family holiday is really bizarre, and I think a lot of posters are missing the backstory here. Your MIL sounds awful - very manipulative and controlling, over-dependant on your DH, both emotionally and financially, and she clearly wants everything on her own terms. Having had a long term relationship with someone who had a similar dynamic with his mother, I can relate to this completely, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. OP you have a right not to feel uncomfortable or pushed out like this on your holiday (or at all). You have already compromised by agreeing to this holiday, but I am not seeing where she, or your DH, have made any compromises? In fact you are being steamrollered by both of them into feeling like a third wheel in your own relationship. I think you need to spell out to your DH how this is making you feel and lay down some clear boundaries. If he is unwilling to understand where you are coming from then yes I think you do have a DH problem.

“DH and MIL having dinner without me”. It is completely disrespectful. Say no.

That's why this society is failing.

Natural order.
Parents look after their kids.
Adult kids look after their parents.
Grandparents help adult kid's spouses.
That way you really do have it all.

Did she kick him out / stopped help before 21?
If not, then she helped him as an adult which she didn't have to.

This seems like a bigger problem than a hypothetical who goes to dinner with whom.

Your DH wanting to spend money you can't afford, to treat someone who earns their own money but blows it?

Good to know she's spent her money on herself.

@Justice4Friend just so long as DH doesn't do the same! Or heaven forbid spend it on his kids!

Agreed!

This thread must have activated all the cheeky fuckers.