DH and MIL having dinner without me and the kids on holiday

[FussyFusspott]

MIL is on her own and DH is her only child. She has always been overbearing and very demanding of him, financially and emotionally. She isn't a horrible person at all and she is a loving grandparent but is definitely enmeshed with DH and this caused issues when our first DC was born 7 years ago. After having children DH started to prioritise me and the children more, in only a natural way he still cares for his mum a lot, and this caused resentment from her.

Things we did she didn't like - moved 20 miles away (couldn't afford to live where we were previously), he stopped paying a lot of her living expenses but had given her a lot of money we couldn't really afford in the past. I admit I resent how she was/ is with DH - expects to be wined and dined at least once a week and has told him that she prefers time just the two of them. However she is always pleasant when she sees me.

She has wanted to come on holiday with us since the DC we're born (7 and 4) and DH has said he feels he has to do it "before she dies". She's 67 and in good health but tells him often she thinks she may die soon. She openly asks us to take her on holiday but says she can't afford to contribute a single penny to it. DH wants to take her and I feel I can't say no as it's important to him and I've told him it won't be a regular thing just once. I am not happy about it as I feel a bit like the third wheel with them at times as she simpers over him a lot and feel like she just tolerates me.

Sorry finally getting to my point - DH tried to sell it to me as childcare whilst we were on holiday, I don't really want or need it but I guess a dinner together would be nice, but he also said that whilst on this week's holiday one night he would need to have a dinner with just his mum as well whilst I would be with the kids as he would have to take her for dinner the two of them at some point. I feel so uneasy about this for some reason. They go out for dinner the two of them at least twice a month and I don't mind in the slightest but to actively leave me out on holiday (a holiday he and I are paying for) just feels galling.

AIBU?

But op clearly doesn’t want this or she’d have no problem with the proposed scenario. She wants to spend her holiday with her husband and children (and the mil if she had to come too). Not sitting on her own in a hotel room. Why do people assume everyone is desperate for time away from their spouse?

Hi, I'm not assuming that people want time away from their spouse but we are talking about ONE evening! I wouldn't have a problem with that at all

Nobody is about to die soon at age 67, unless they are in extremely poor physical health.

You might die that young from cancer.

My husband spends time every week with his Mum, at her retirement home. She probably will die soon, but she is 92.

He doesn’t take his Mum out to dinner, on their own. That would be weird.

There sounds like a lot of strange excuses being thrown around about his behaviour. No need for excuses if it’s something normal.

I think your mother-in-law is manipulating your partner to get nice holidays, and nice dinners. That money is coming out of your pocket, as well.

Come on ! The “I might die soon “ is some card to play , we could all be at that 😂😂😂

But the op does? So it doesn’t matter whether you’d be fine with it or not.

Hahah this!!

You’ve got a very positive take on being stuck in a hotel room with 2 young children! I think I’d struggle to see it that way.

Also, it’s not really about the one evening. The dynamic is very unhealthy and she’s only 67. There could be years of this to come.

YANBU OP

@Hoppinggreen

Can't say for obvious reasons but it involved kitchen equipment

Pots? Seriously? I have never hear that being seen as racist.

The colour could be anything - all it means is you are a hypocrite - all that matters is the colour is the same. Like the grass calling the tree green. Or the postbox calling the fire hydrant red.
The colour itself isn't negative at all or racist, it's just about both being the same. Any colour would do.

Well me neither but someone felt that the person saying that had trawled back through all their posts throughout MN to discover that they were not white and so was using it as a slur.

You are really not understanding this situation are you?!

OMG tell me you are missing the point without telling me you are missing the point 🙄

His mum sounds like my mum. I take her on holiday but I never ever take her on our family holiday

It sounds as though you never get an evening alone with your DH.

So if she does come on the holiday in the guise of childcare, can you get a couple of evenings with just you and your DH while she watches the children?

Well if she wants to go on holiday so much with her GC, why doesn't she want to include them in dinner out?

You can't ignore the backstory here either. It's very relevant.

Right back at you.

I haven't seen the phrase used but I can answer this - common bloody sense!!

Have you asked DH what he is going to go without do he can afford to pay for her?

Just stop. I won't be responding to your pathetic posts again.

Because you missed the point, you have probably realised that and don't worry I have no attention of repeating myself again for you.

For the love of sweet jesus... tell me you haven't asked to have "pot calling the kettle black" deleted.

Sorry, has that poster called another racist for using “pot calling the kettle black”?!

It’s an old Spanish phrase. From when all pots were burnt and blackened by the fire. Am I missing something? 😵‍💫

Yep thats right.

And OP won't be around forever either or his precious time with his children while they are still young and living at home. If anything that should be his top priority his children and his relationship with them. His mom is 67 and in good health. She isn't elderly by any stretch. Now a days people live to be well into their 90s sometimes. I hate to be morbid but OP could technically die unexpectedly as well any day or hell even their child. I hate to go their but my point is life is fragile for all of us. If his mom was in poor health, elderly, or dying of cancer or something I would be more inclined to agree with your position that he needs to spend as much time with his mom but from what the OP posted that isn't the case at all. So if I'm the OP and my husband used this line, "well my mom won't be around forever" I would find it super easy to say back, "well neither will I and not to be morbid but technically since your mom is in good shape I could unexpectedly die any day as well not to mention our time with our children while they are still young and living at home won't be happening forever either."

His mom had him all to herself for what 18+ plus years that's not to say that she shouldn't ever have alone time ever again with her son but my point is that his wife and especially his children while they are young and still living at home should be his main priority. It's not like these weekly dinners his own wife and children are even invited to that's nuts. If I was a child and saw my dad skipping family dinners to hangout with my grand mom (his mom) once every or every other week I would be wondering why he isn't at home with his own family.

Why his mom doesn't want to build more of a relationship with her GC and her DIL (the mother of said GC) is beyond me.

Once a week excluding your immediate family for dinner is a lot. It's not like this is happening when his wife and children are unavailable this is happening and encroaching on their precious family time which I'm sure is limited considering most people have super busy work schedules now a days. A good mom who has a healthy bond with her adult married son with children would want him to focus on the family he created and to spend that time bonding with his children. She should in fact encourage that instead of doing the exact opposite not extending the invite to his wife and child.

He shouldn't be responsible for fulfilling all of his mom's social needs. OP herself says her MIL is still working, only 67, and in good health. Why isn't MIL looking for other areas to get her social needs met. Even if she doesn't want to date which is fair there are groups she can join where she can meet friends, hobbies to take up, classes to take, or heck even enjoying your own company.

OP didn't really mention it but I am curious if DH was willing to compromise with any of OP's desires as well you know being she is his wife and all. Or was it well too bad this is what my mom wants and you just have to go along with it. Because if that's the case that's DEFINITELY not putting your spouse first but putting your mom ahead of your wife not to mention your children and that's not acceptable at all. I'm wondering if OP's DH still wanted to treat his mom to dinner once a week if he would be open to at least making it a family night with MIL where his wife and kids are welcome to join or if not at least cutting it back to once a month. But again if he isn't willing to come to some sort of agreement with his wife than that shows he values his wife's feelings less than his mother's and a husband who wouldn't compromise at all with me is a husband I don't want.

Actually this may not be exactly PC to say but I think when you marry your spouse and any potential kids you have become immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. I may get flamed for this but I absolutely think in day to day life your spouse absolutely does come first.